Get Some Boxes--Childless by Marriage is Moving

Dear friends,

Next month, I will have been doing the Childless by Marriage blog for eight years. My first post was published on Aug. 27, 2007. Unbelievable. Eight years. Don’t panic. I have no intention of stopping. But I am working on moving the blog to a new site at Wordpress.com. The address will be http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. The new site will offer features I can’t get with a "blogspot" blog and increase our community of childless-by-marriage friends. I already have two other blogs at Wordpress, Unleashed in Oregon and Writer Aid. If all works smoothly, the previous posts and comments from this blog will be transferred to the new site. But I don’t want to take any chances, so until Aug. 26, 2015, I will publish the same posts at both sites.

I started the Childless by Marriage blog before I finished the Childless by Marriage book, which came out in 2012. To be honest, the blog has been more successful than the book. At the heart of it is your comments, so much heartfelt sharing of joys, sorrows, successes and mistakes. You offer comfort to me and to one another. This has become a conversation, not just me talking into cyberspace.

You have been with me through my own pain and loss, including the death of my husband from Alzheimer’s Disease in 2011. You have supported me as I adapt to my new status as a widow, a new age group, and a new life on my own without the usual kids and grandkids to support me.

Of course I want to sell my books and draw attention to my writing through my blogs and other activities. That’s why most of us start blogs in the first place, but you have become precious to me, and I’m happy to be here as your big sister or Aunt Sue to listen to what you need to say. Most of you comment as “Anonymous.” That’s fine. I’m glad I can provide a private space to say what we might not be able to say anywhere else. I feel like I know you anyway.

I’d like to make this blog more interactive, maybe add some guest posts, feature more of you in the main blog. I welcome your suggestions. Meanwhile, I’m here. I may be moving, but I’m taking you with me.

Hugs,

Sue

No Kidding: The book, the club, the goats?

Book review: 
No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Parenthood, edited by Henriette Mantel, Seal Press, 2013
When I started working on my Childless by Marriage book, nobody was writing about being without child. It was almost a taboo subject, but now the shelves are filling up with books about not having kids. Most of them, like this one, are about the joys of being childless by choice. In this case, 37 women writers in the entertainment business tell the story of how they ended up not being mothers. Although a few did try to have children and learned that they couldn’t, most never wanted them in the first place. They were too busy with their careers and not interested in the sacrifices required to raise a little human being. 

The writing here is good. Many of these women are comediennes, and they know how to put together an amusing essay. But after a while, all the stories blend together in my mind because they are so similar. Some of the names are familiar. Most are not. It is an entertaining read. Readers in the childfree-by-choice crowd are sure to enjoy it. Perhaps those who are childless not by choice will find some encouragement and see that life can be wonderful without children. At least that’s what these women tell us. 

The club: 
In addition to being the title of a book, No Kidding is the name of an international club that provides opportunities for members to make new friends whose lives are not wrapped around their children. Members are all ages, married and single, and lack children for all kinds of reasons. You can find chapters all over the world or start a new chapter if your area doesn't have one. Many of the people who comment on this blog and at other childless sites describe how uncomfortable they are at gatherings where everyone else seems to have kids. This is a chance to find friends with whom you have more in common. 

The goats: 
When I was young, people who used the word "kid" were quickly corrected and told that a "kid" is a baby goat. Well, we humans have stolen their word and often use it to describe our own offspring. Funny we don't call them calves or puppies. Unlike humans, goats don't use birth control. If you put a he-goat and a she-goat together at the right time, they will have baby goats. Believe it or not, there are actually goat mating videos on YouTube. I don't want to get in trouble for recommending goat porn, but they're pretty funny. 

No kidding. The word "kid" applied to a child apparently traces back to the 13th century with Olde English and Norse origins. But how did the word kid come to be used also as a synonym for joking? Beats me. 

Have a happy day.

Childless by Marriage Blog Marks a Milestone and Looks Ahead

Dear friends,

Last week, we passed 100,000 page views. As of this moment, we’re up to 100,521. That seems like a milestone to celebrate. Yes, other blogs get millions of visitors, but ours is a special group, and I am grateful for every one of you. On an average day, we get about 250 visitors. Readers come from all over the English-speaking world, as well as from countries where most people don’t speak English. They find us via Google and other search engines, as well as Facebook, other sites about childlessness, and direct referral from friends.

The comments tell stories of women and men who are hurting and searching for answers. They wanted to have children, but they are in situations where it may not happen. In many cases, their spouses have decided they don’t want to have children, and they don’t know what to do. Sometimes the spouse is reluctant and then a physical problem ends the discussion in sorrow.

I have gotten the most comments in response to posts about grief. Just this morning, I approved two that both tell the same heartbreaking story from different perspectives. You can see them here. (Scroll to the end of the comments.) These anonymous women are 42 and 64 years old, but both are in so much pain they don’t know how they can stand it. I wish I had the magic words to make the pain go away. Perhaps some of you can offer some hope to these women.

I’ve been doing this blog for six years. It’s hard to believe. And no, I’m not quitting. Part of its purpose has always been to promote my Childless by Marriage book. I would like everyone to buy it. But the blog has grown into a special place of its own that goes far beyond the 300 pages of my book.

To post at least once a week for so long requires a little research, considerable stretching of the creative muscles, and occasional inspiration from above. Sometimes when I think I have nothing to say, God drops a story into my hands. Sometimes you, my readers, give me ideas with your comments and e-mails. It seems there is always more to say on this subject.

I’m working on a project to reconnect with the women I interviewed for my book. In some cases, more than a decade has passed, and I think it would be helpful to all of us to find out how their stories turned out. Did they ever have children? Are they still with the man they were with at the time? Have they found peace with their childless situation? Do they have regrets? The first responses have started coming in, and I look forward to sharing them with you here. (If anyone reading this was interviewed for the book and has not received an email from me, I may not have your current address. Please contact me at sufalick@gmail.com.)

Right now census figures show that one-fifth of American women have reached menopause without having children. That number is increasing. By the time today’s women of childbearing age are 45, I suspect it will be more like a fourth or even a third who never become mothers. But right now, I know lots of us feel left out, misunderstood and alone. We are not alone. Thank you all for being here, and please keep coming back.

Hugs,

Sue

Childless readers seek comfort in their grief

"Are You Grieving Over Your Lack of Children?" is the headline of the blog I posted here on Nov. 7, 2007. Since August 2007, I have published 366 other posts at this site, but that is the one that has drawn the most views--6873--and the most comments--152. Most people get to it by a Google search. I'm thinking they're searching through tears because the key word is "grief." It hurts to want children and not be able to have them, especially when it seems to be a normal part of life for everyone around you. You see other people cuddling babies and it hurts. You see your friends and sisters getting pregnant and it hurts. You see a child laboring over a Mother's Day for his mom, and it hurts. You see an older woman going out to lunch with her daughter and granddaughter, and it hurts. I know. I feel that pain, too.

The comments keep coming in for that post, as well as for many others. People, mostly women, write to me in crisis. In so many cases, they thought they would have children with their spouse or partner, but now he/she is saying no, they don't want to do it. Maybe they already have children from a previous marriage and feel that's enough. Maybe they've had a vasectomy. Maybe one or both people have fertility issues. Maybe they just didn't get serious about it until they were in their 40s and now it's too late. Often, the writer, again usually a woman, is having to make an impossible choice: the man she loves or the children she's always wanted.

I'm not a psychologist or marriage counselor; I'm a writer. I know a lot about this subject because of my own experiences and a boatload of research. I include much of that research as well as my own story in my Childess by Marriage book. I continue to collect all the information I can about all aspects of life without children and will share as much as I can. I offer my love and prayers in the hope that we can all find peace with what feels like a hole in our lives.If we can help dry each other's tears and ease each other's grief, then this blog is worthwhile.

Thank you all for being here. Keep coming back.

Childless by Marriage the paperback is here

Dear friends,

Copies of the paperback edition of the Childless by Marriage book are in the house. All over the house actually. After more than a decade, the book is complete and, for better or worse, it's in print. If you want to help me pay for them and clear up the house by buying many many copies, I'd love it. If you decide not to, keep coming back to the blog anyway.

It's a beautiful book, which I can't believe I'm holding in my hand. In a way, it's my sixth child, following The Iberian Americans, Stories Grandma Never Told, Azorean Dreams, Freelancing for Newspapers, and Shoes Full of Sand. (Info at http://www.suelick.com/Products.html). As the baby, it will require extra care until it can stand up on its own.

I have begun to realize that this book, which is very personal, may also be controversial. There isn't one chapter that people couldn't find something to argue about. If you don't have children in this world full of parents, you know that some people just don't understand. They may get angry when I talk about the "mom club." My chapters on step-parenting might set them off. The "childfree" crowd may object to my pro-child stance, might rage about my Catholic orientation, might take offense at what I say about the angry minority who call women who want children "breeders." I'll get guff from people who refuse to admit there are any psychological or physical differences between mothers and women who have never had children. I'll hear from people who believe old age is no different without children than it is with them. I've been in the writing business long enough to know that I'll hear objections about things I never suspected would irritate people. The reviews will probably be either five stars or no stars, love or hate with nothing in-between. Writing is easy; this is the scary part.

I'm really worried about what my father and my church friends will say, but our stories need to be told, and I could not go to my grave without publishing this book. I hope you all will continue to support me in this Child by Marriage life we share. Thank you, all you anonymous and named readers, for all of your love and support. It means a lot to me.

See you Thursday.

Surviving another Mother's Day

Dear friends, it's almost Mother's Day. If you're anything like me, you hate this day. It's all about mothers, and you are not a mother. People who don't know you assume that you look like a mother and must be one, and that makes it hurt all the more. Everywhere you turn, you see tributes to "Mom," advertisements for gifts and special activities for "Mom" and people planning family get-togethers to honor "Mom." You might even be hosting or attending one of these events this weekend. I'm sorry. I'll be leading the choir at two Masses at church on Sunday morning, so I'll get to experience the Mother's Day prayers and the after-Mass brunch twice. Then I'll go home to my dog.

For me, Mother's Day is not as bad as it used to be. For a while, especially after my mother died, the whole thing turned me into a raging crazy woman. I used to expect cards and gifts from the stepchildren, and that didn't happen. I get it. They have their own mother and grandmother to honor. It's just a tough day.

To survive, I urge you to avoid as much of the Mother's Day mania as you can. Do something that makes you feel good, preferably far away from mass media. If you can't, try to focus your energy on honoring people you love. Try not to obsess about what you don't have.Think of Mother's Day like Father's Day or Secretaries Day or Brussell's Sprouts Appreciation Day. It has nothing to do with you, so let it go.

And here's another antidote, shameless plug intended: Childless by Marriage, the Kindle ebook, is available now as at Amazon.com. You don't have to have a Kindle to read it. You can download the Kindle reading program for free on any computer or smart-phone and most tablets such as the iPad. So curl up with a book and ignore the craziness until Mother's Day goes away. You might want to skip ahead to the chapter called Mother's Day Rant.

The print book will be out this summer, but you can read the ebook today for only $2.99.

Another antidote: Feel free to rant about Mother's Day here in the comments all you want.  We're here for you.

Childless by Marriage, the cover

Okay, after much messing around with various images, we decided to go plain and elegant for the Kindle ebook cover. How do you express everything that comes from being married without children in a 6 x 9-inch space? We tried. We had pictures of a woman reaching for bubbles that included husbands or children or baby shoes. We had lovers walking hand in hand or kissing or staring at each other. We had me and my puppy, but in the end, we have this because this is not a romance novel. It's reality, and I didn't want to delay a day longer. Officially, I'm launching the book on Mother's Day, but if you want to get ahead of the pack, Amazon.com, in their amazing efficiency, already has the book listed for $2.99, the cost of a latte. Here's the link for Childless by Marriage, the ebook.

 

This Childless Book Gets It Right

I have mentioned this book before, but I have finished reading it now and can heartily recommend it to my childless friends. 

Childless: Reflections on Life’s Longing for Itself by Gillian Guthrie, Short Stop Press, 2012. This is a marvelous book that covers a vast range of topics related to women who don't have children. Guthrie, who grew up in South Africa and lives in Australia, spent many years working in television news before tackling this book that is close to her heart. Married twice to men with problems, she didn’t find a man who would be a suitable father until she was at the end of her fertility and she was not able to conceive. 

To produce this book, Guthrie conducted extensive research and called together childless women to meet for Childfree Lunches where they would talk about things people with children wouldn't understand. The resulting book is beautifully written, nicely weaving Guthrie’s own story into the overall picture of childlessness in Australia and the rest of the world. Currently one in four women are childless in her country. 

Chapters introduce us to all sorts of women without children and how they happened to be that way. Guthrie writes about gay women, women in politics who have been trashed for not having children, women who grew up with abusive and/or mentally ill parents, women who suffered through legal and illegal abortions, women who waited too long, women who waited too long, the grief of childlessness and so much more. 

The book is available in print and as a Kindle ebook.

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Speaking of Kindle ebooks, my book Childless by Marriage is still scheduled to be released for Kindle on Mother's Day. Things are moving a little slowly with cover design, but I'm still hoping for that date. 
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Finally, if you want a giggle or just to see me make a fool of myself, I recorded a humorous piece called "The Last Two Eggs" on YouTube last week. Take a look. 


See you on Thursday.

Childless by Marriage book publication date set

I know. I've been talking about it for years. I wasn't even pre-menopausal when I started this project, and now I'm post-menopausal. But it's coming. Childless by Marriage, the ebook, is scheduled to be released May 13, which happens to be Mother's Day.Instead of moping about your childless state, you can read this. I'm starting with a Kindle ebook, which will be very reasonably priced. In that format, we can easily work out the kinks--if we find any--before the paperback goes to press.

I'm currently tweaking the formatting and stressing out over how my family, especially my stepchildren, will react. I worry about revealing so much of my life to everyone I know and everyone I don't know, but we need to tell our stories so people will understand what it's like to be childless in a world where most people have children.

Right now, I'm working with an artist on cover ideas. If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I don't want anything cartoonish. There is occasional humor in the book, but being childless because you have a partner who can't or doesn't want to have babies with you is a serious matter. It deserves a dignified cover. So I welcome your ideas that I can share with Jeffery over the next week or so. He designed my Shoes Full of Sand cover, so I have faith that he'll come up with something wonderful.

So, ideas?

New focus for Childless by Marriage book

As many of you know, I have been working on a book called Childless by Marriage for several years. At least four times, I have considered the manuscript finished. So far, no big publisher has accepted it, but it keeps coming close, and I have hope that that will be accepted this year. One way or another, it is going to be published.

I was out of town on a book-selling trip last November when, as I sank into a well-earned hot bath, I had a sudden realization that changed the focus of the book. I jumped out and typed for the next three hours in my bathrobe. All this time, I have been trying to leave out the fact that my husband Fred had Alzheimer's Disease, that he spent two years in a nursing home, and that he died in April, 2011. I didn't want to bum people out, it didn't seem like part of the book, and, until April, I didn't know when it would end.

But I realized in November that Fred's illness is an important part of the story. I can't hide it from my readers. I wound up caring for him as if he were my child. And, because we had no children together, I did it alone. Now, as a widow, it makes a huge difference that I don't have grown children and grandchildren to turn to for help and for company.

So now the focus is more on my connection with Fred, the love that led me to give up children in order to have him, and the cruel turn that left me without either one. In essence, I chose Fred, and this is what happened. What do you think?

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A piece of good news: An excerpt from the book, a chapter called "My Imaginary Daughter," appears in the January issue of Still Crazy, a terrific literary magazine. Click here for info.

Update on the Childless by Marriage book

So whatever happened to my Childless by Marriage book, the one I keep promising is on its way? Well, the book is written. I was actively seeking publishers when my husband's illness got much worse. He died in April, and I've been trying to swim back to solid ground ever since. But now I'm back in business, marketing as hard as I can.

I have found that most books on childlessness wind up being self-published. Although nearly a quarter of all women today never have children, publishers don't see a big enough market. I think all those childless women and men, as well as their families and friends, make up a huge market.

Never mind. I'd prefer the clout of a bigger publisher, but I have my own small publishing company, Blue Hydrangea Productions, which has already put out Stories Grandma Never Told and Shoes Full of Sand. See http://www.suelick.com/Products.html. If no one buys the book before March 2012, I will publish Childless by Marriage as my 60th birthday present to myself. Count on it. (And yes, I am that old.)

Meanwhile, we have this site to share our stories. I have a childless resource page with descriptions of dozens of books and websites at my main website, http://www.suelick.com/Childless.html. I previously sponsored a Childless by Marriage Google group, but there wasn't enough action there to be worth the effort, and it was getting confusing as to what went where. If you're interested in a Facebook page, let me know.

While the Childless by Marriage book makes its way through the publishing world, I'm also working on articles and essays and will let you know where you can read them.

My Blogspot statistics tell me quite a few people are reading this blog. Some of you are quoting it elsewhere. Thank you. I'm flattered. Feel free to share what you find here, but please, because it is copyrighted material, let people know where you found it and link back to this site.

Thank you for your years of reading and commenting and offering support. Being childless in this society can be tough sometimes. It helps to stick together.

Sue

We have our own saint

Did you know the Catholics have a patron saint for those who are childless? I stumbled upon it the other day. She's Saint Anne, mother of Mary, grandmother of Jesus. Not much is known about her, but it appears she did not conceive until late in life and Mary was her only child. She's not quite the saint for those of us who are not infertile, just childless by marriage or circumstance, but she's as close as we come. You can read about her at http://www.praying4ababy.com/stanne.html

Is there someone you admire who really exemplifies our situation and might be our own unofficial saint?

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I took another run through my Childless by Marriage book, tweaking it here and there over the weekend. Now I think it's really ready to blast into the world. Stay tuned.
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For those who noticed steam coming out of their computer in my recent exchange with my stepdaughter, we have reached a delicate peace agreement offline.

Book revisions done

I finished revising my Childless by Marriage book tonight. Whew. I think of it as a "memoir plus". I tell my story but also include comments from a vast number of other people, including many childless women. There's a good deal of motherly :) advice thrown in, too. Now comes the hard work of getting it published. I will also offer excerpts to appropriate markets. All suggestions appreciated. I'll keep you posted.