Childless by Marriage Blog Marks a Milestone and Looks Ahead

Dear friends,

Last week, we passed 100,000 page views. As of this moment, we’re up to 100,521. That seems like a milestone to celebrate. Yes, other blogs get millions of visitors, but ours is a special group, and I am grateful for every one of you. On an average day, we get about 250 visitors. Readers come from all over the English-speaking world, as well as from countries where most people don’t speak English. They find us via Google and other search engines, as well as Facebook, other sites about childlessness, and direct referral from friends.

The comments tell stories of women and men who are hurting and searching for answers. They wanted to have children, but they are in situations where it may not happen. In many cases, their spouses have decided they don’t want to have children, and they don’t know what to do. Sometimes the spouse is reluctant and then a physical problem ends the discussion in sorrow.

I have gotten the most comments in response to posts about grief. Just this morning, I approved two that both tell the same heartbreaking story from different perspectives. You can see them here. (Scroll to the end of the comments.) These anonymous women are 42 and 64 years old, but both are in so much pain they don’t know how they can stand it. I wish I had the magic words to make the pain go away. Perhaps some of you can offer some hope to these women.

I’ve been doing this blog for six years. It’s hard to believe. And no, I’m not quitting. Part of its purpose has always been to promote my Childless by Marriage book. I would like everyone to buy it. But the blog has grown into a special place of its own that goes far beyond the 300 pages of my book.

To post at least once a week for so long requires a little research, considerable stretching of the creative muscles, and occasional inspiration from above. Sometimes when I think I have nothing to say, God drops a story into my hands. Sometimes you, my readers, give me ideas with your comments and e-mails. It seems there is always more to say on this subject.

I’m working on a project to reconnect with the women I interviewed for my book. In some cases, more than a decade has passed, and I think it would be helpful to all of us to find out how their stories turned out. Did they ever have children? Are they still with the man they were with at the time? Have they found peace with their childless situation? Do they have regrets? The first responses have started coming in, and I look forward to sharing them with you here. (If anyone reading this was interviewed for the book and has not received an email from me, I may not have your current address. Please contact me at sufalick@gmail.com.)

Right now census figures show that one-fifth of American women have reached menopause without having children. That number is increasing. By the time today’s women of childbearing age are 45, I suspect it will be more like a fourth or even a third who never become mothers. But right now, I know lots of us feel left out, misunderstood and alone. We are not alone. Thank you all for being here, and please keep coming back.

Hugs,

Sue

Childless women in pain

I had a great weekend, although I was strongly reminded of my childless status at a party where everyone was talking about their children and grandchildren. At such times, I can either smile and nod or hit the buffet table again. "Five grandkids, huh? And the new one is due in September? Nice." You know how it goes. I've been dealing with it for years.

But some women are in the throes of such deep pain they don't know what to do. I received messages from two such women this weekend.

The first is Jennifer, who writes:
"I'm now 37, husband is 40. We have been married for almost 13 years. I always wanted children...he wanted to wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, 3 years ago I 'made' him go to a fertility doctor with me. The doctor immediately thought it was me, put me on Clomid, etc. He tested my husband 'just in case'. On Halloween (my favorite holiday in the world...or it used to be)...I went for my check up to see how the Clomid was working. He examined me, told me I was responding "wonderfully"...and told me to have sex that weekend. I was SO thrilled!!!! Then, before he left, I asked him if he had the results of my husband's exam. He looked worried, and said "I'll be right back". He came back in a few minutes later, and simply said "There was a big problem. Your husband has no sperm". I must have said "are you sure" about ten times. I was shocked. He said "don't worry, we can use donor sperm and you'll be pregnant within a month or two". My husband, however, did not want to use donor sperm...My husband doesn't want to adopt. He's happy with his life. He likes his job and has his stupid band. I, on the other hand, am miserable. I feel left out. I don't have any friends anymore because all of my friends have children and that's all they talk about. I don't have family, so my having a child meant everything in the world to me. I feel so isolated and SO lonely...I honestly don't know how I am going to survive another day let alone a lifetime. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? I'm sorry to bother you but I'm at the end of my rope." :(

This morning, I got a message from Iris:
"I don't know where to turn. I don't know how to deal with the pain of
being childless. My heart never felt so broken. I am married now and
my husband has four children. None of those experiences were good. Now
between lay offs, strikes, and circumstances, think I will never have
children. I am 45 going on 46. If the window of opportunity is not
already closed, it is fast approaching. I don't want to feel this
pain. I don't want to be bitter. I don't know what to do."

Friends, we're all in the same leaky boat. I think the hardest time to be childless is when you're in your 30s and 40s and feel your chances slipping away. When you get older, I promise you will find ways to make peace with the situation. Meanwhile, I think it's essential to talk first with your mate. Try to make him understand how you feel, how very important it is to have children NOW. I was guilty of not speaking up enough. I think if I had, I would have children now. If your mate will not listen, find someone else to talk to, a friend,a counselor, anyone who will listen. Don't keep it bottled up. You also need to consider whether this man is worth the sacrifice. If you had to choose between losing him and losing your potential children, which would you pick?

I welcome your comments and your advice.

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Childless women play important role

Throughout history, a certain percentage of women have remained childless. Although people have often viewed them with suspicion or pity, they play an important role in society, says Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the bestseller Eat, Pray, Love and the new book Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. Childless women are free to do the things mothers can't. They teach, they nurse, they encourage young artists or become artists themselves. In myriad ways, what Gilbert calls the Auntie Brigade is there to help.

I don't know about you, but this comforts me. We who have not given birth still have an important part to play in the world. Sometimes we're lonely, but we matter. We are able to do things our mothering sisters cannot. On Wednesdays, I can lead the children in singing at my church because I am not fettered with a little one. Think about it. We can all mourn the losses that come with never being a mother, but what about all the things we CAN do because we don't have children.

I have not yet read the book, but gathered these excerpts in a review by Margot Magowan. Thank you, Elizabeth.

Visit this magazine for childless women

Hi. Sorry about the delays. I can't seem to catch up, but I am pleased and proud to invite you to read the winter edition of Exhale, a literary magazine for childless women. My piece, "Childless Woman's Survival Guide," is included. The whole issue is about "levity," the ability to laugh in the midst of grief. Read this with Kleenex nearby. I suspect you'll want to bookmark this e-zine and perhaps join Exhale's discussions on Facebook.

Hey, here's another good thing: The holidays coming up, Valentine's Day and President's Day, don't have anything to do with children, so we don't have to feel left out. Celebrate. Oh, and don't forget Fat Tuesday Feb. 16. What a great month.
Back soon.
Sue