Not having kids means I'm free to be me me me

Let’s talk about the selfish side of not having children. I hesitate to do that because then people will think I didn’t want them. I don’t want to reinforce the false stereotype that all people without children are selfish and immature. They're not. But maybe I fantasized my offspring would be like the dolls I played with as a kid. My dolls sat quietly on a shelf or in a box until I wanted to play with them. The rest of the time I was free to ride my bike, read until my eyes hurt, or eat cookies without anybody grabbing for a bite. I may be confusing children with dogs in that last bit, but you know what I mean. No need to share my food, my stuff or my time unless I wanted to.

When I was  a child, Mom took care of everything while I just had to do my homework and a few easy chores. Once they were done, I was free to do anything I wanted.

As an adult, especially one without a husband, I have my work and more time-consuming chores, but I am still free when they’re done. I spent years with a live-in stepson. I know what it’s like to have to think about the child’s needs in everything you do. Salad for dinner? He won’t eat it. Want to rent a movie? It has to be PG. Let’s go away for the weekend? What about the boy? I didn’t mind most of the time. I was happy to live some semblance of motherhood.

But I do understand why the childless-by-choice crowd choose to be “childfree.” Kids don’t sit quietly in a box. They cry, complain, get sick, need help, need love, need to be fed, cleaned and taken to the orthodontist. You can’t do whatever you want when you’re a parent, at least not until the kids grow up. Then you can buy an RV and tour the country, start a new career or write a novel.

Speaking of which, November is National Novel Writing Month, known as NaNoWriMo. During this month, writers pledge to write a 50,000-word novel in 30 days. That’s a lot of writing. To devote that kind of time and concentration would be very difficult with children around. I have signed up before but haven’t followed through. This year, I have signed up for NaNonFiWriMo or National Nonfiction Writing Month. I plan to do some marathon writing for the book I'm working on.

There are other month-long challenges, a poem a day, a blog a day, a short story every day. They’re great for producing a lot of work in a short time, but I don’t think I could do any of them and keep up with my regular work if I had kids around.

We spend a lot of time here grieving our lack of children. The grief is real and it never completely goes away, but look at the other side of it. What are we free to do because we don’t have children? Even if you’re still trying to figure out if and how you’ll become a parent, what can you do right now that you couldn’t if you were a mom or a dad? Let’s talk about it in the comments.

No Kidding: The book, the club, the goats?

Book review: 
No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Parenthood, edited by Henriette Mantel, Seal Press, 2013
When I started working on my Childless by Marriage book, nobody was writing about being without child. It was almost a taboo subject, but now the shelves are filling up with books about not having kids. Most of them, like this one, are about the joys of being childless by choice. In this case, 37 women writers in the entertainment business tell the story of how they ended up not being mothers. Although a few did try to have children and learned that they couldn’t, most never wanted them in the first place. They were too busy with their careers and not interested in the sacrifices required to raise a little human being. 

The writing here is good. Many of these women are comediennes, and they know how to put together an amusing essay. But after a while, all the stories blend together in my mind because they are so similar. Some of the names are familiar. Most are not. It is an entertaining read. Readers in the childfree-by-choice crowd are sure to enjoy it. Perhaps those who are childless not by choice will find some encouragement and see that life can be wonderful without children. At least that’s what these women tell us. 

The club: 
In addition to being the title of a book, No Kidding is the name of an international club that provides opportunities for members to make new friends whose lives are not wrapped around their children. Members are all ages, married and single, and lack children for all kinds of reasons. You can find chapters all over the world or start a new chapter if your area doesn't have one. Many of the people who comment on this blog and at other childless sites describe how uncomfortable they are at gatherings where everyone else seems to have kids. This is a chance to find friends with whom you have more in common. 

The goats: 
When I was young, people who used the word "kid" were quickly corrected and told that a "kid" is a baby goat. Well, we humans have stolen their word and often use it to describe our own offspring. Funny we don't call them calves or puppies. Unlike humans, goats don't use birth control. If you put a he-goat and a she-goat together at the right time, they will have baby goats. Believe it or not, there are actually goat mating videos on YouTube. I don't want to get in trouble for recommending goat porn, but they're pretty funny. 

No kidding. The word "kid" applied to a child apparently traces back to the 13th century with Olde English and Norse origins. But how did the word kid come to be used also as a synonym for joking? Beats me. 

Have a happy day.

Regrets or no regrets?

Going through the files, I have found two articles you may want to read, if you haven't already. it's interesting how they look at the lack of children from different viewpoints.

Nanette Varian's piece in More Magazine, "Childless by (100% Regret-Free) Choice," gives an excellent overview of how one comes to not have children and is full of good information about life as a woman without children.

Mandy Appleyard's "The Love I'll Never Know" in the Daily Mail definitely comes from a different place. Appleyard wanted children, but had trouble finding the right man. When she finally did, she suffered two miscarriages and was unable to have the children she wanted so badly.

Some of us are okay not having children while others mourn the loss every day. What do you think?

No Way Baby!

Karen Foster, a Portland, Oregon counselor and speaker, has published a new book called No Way Baby! In it, she offers people like herself, whom she calls "childfrees" information to refute the dumb things people say to them. We're all heard these things: "So, you don't like kids?" "It's your duty to go forth and multiply." "But I want grandchildren." "Who will take care of you when you're old?" and "You'll regret it." Sound familiar?

Of course, those of us who are childless by marriage or otherwise not by choice might have different answers from what Foster offers. She does acknowledge the difficulty of being in a relationship where one person wants kids and the other doesn't. There is no way to compromise on this issue, she says. One person always loses.

Foster is not anti-child and applauds people who consciously choose to be parents, but you get a little taste of her attitude when she talks about being "child-burdened" vs. "childfree."

There's a lot of good information in this book, although it sometimes wanders off course. For example, we don't need the whole history of Social Security or a rehash of the feminist movement. We can, however, find lots of useful information and encouragement for enjoying life as non-parents in this book.

Foster blogs on childfree subjects and has information about this book and her new one at www.karenfoster.net.

"Deal with It" article

I just read an interesting article called "We're Here, We're Childless: Deal with It." Writer Mark Edward Manning enumerates the reasons why he has chosen to be childless AND celibate. They include time, money, environment, social life, etc. Read it at http://blogcritics.org/archives/2007/09/09/161829.php and see what you think. Personally, it scares me. I see so many young people deciding not to have children because of the sacrifices involved. But isn't that how it's supposed to be? Besides, kids don't stay babies forever. They grow up into adults like you and me. Read it and let me know what you think.

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