Thursday, July 26, 2012

We are entitled to grieve for the children we never had

In nearly 300 posts at this blog, the one that has engendered the most comments is is a two-paragraph entry I posted in 2007. Titled "Are You Grieving Over Your Lack of Children?" it quotes a newspaper article about a woman dealing with childless grief, then asks the readers, "Have you come to terms with not having children?" We're up to 98 comments so far, with new ones coming almost every day.

Clearly grief is a big issue for us. People who are not in our situation don't seem to get it. They'll tell us "oh well, you can adopt" or "the world has two many people in it anyway" or "get over it" or even "sometimes I wish I didn't have any kids."

It's not that easy, is it? When we want children and we don't get to have them, we have lost something huge. In some ways, it's like a death. We have lost the children we would have had, along with the grandchildren and great-grandchildren. If we hang up stockings at Christmas, there will be only two--or one if we're single. When we see someone cuddling their new baby, we feel pain. At all the times when our parenting friends celebrate the milestones in their children's lives, we feel left out.

Yes, there are advantages as well as losses to life without children. We are free to do things we couldn't do if we were raising children. We miss a lot of heartache and frustration along with the good times. And yes, we can be beloved aunts or uncles, teachers or friends to other people's kids.

However, we have a right to grieve. And the grief will come back again and again, like any big loss. Does it get easier with time? Yes. Being past menopause has helped a lot. But the grief never completely goes away. Just last night, I found myself crying over a TV show where a baby was born. Again!

All I'm saying is we're entitled to feel the loss of the children we might have had.

I welcome your comments. 


59 comments:

Anonymous said...

We are entitled to have any feeling, including sadness over no children. But my stance remains solid that, not having children, is not death. It is a conscious choice. Medically unable, adopt. No child by choice?...then lets fill our life with positive fillers, or good joo-joo as I call it, and look forward, and not dwell on what could have been. On a personal note, my mom told be once any one can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father. For those who can not, or choose not to have children, I encourage them to go fill their life with happiness in other ways. Adopt, volunteer at elementary schools or to chaperone the local high school prom. Be a baseball coach, or become a leader in a church for youth. We have the power of choice, and we can fill our post-child-less life with several activities that will make us whole.

Anonymous said...

I grieve lots at the children I am never to have. I'm 42 and I fantasize almost daily that I accidentally get pregnant and have a little miracle baby. But, alas, my husband adamantly does not want that (nor do I think its wise given my age). Most of the time, I don't feel the extreme wave of sadness until something triggers it. Today that was a friend's announcement on Facebook that she is expecting complete with ultrasound picture. I came home in such a happy mood and now I find myself plummeting toward my dark, childless hole. I'm sure I'll be fine but in the moment...it hurts!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

And here we have both sides of the story. Childlessness is not death, you're right, Anonymous #1. But it is a loss, and it does hurt, as Anonymous #2 tells us. I think it's important to acknowledge that pain and know that we have a right to grieve. But I also agree that one can't stay in that grieving place forever. After a while, we need to move on and do whatever we need to do to fill the gap. If we just can't move on, it's okay to seek help, in the form of therapy or whatever it takes.

Anonymous said...

Sue, I think you would like this article because I read your book and you spoke about Mother's Day at your church.

http://www.uscatholic.org/life/everyday-spirituality/2011/04/mother-without-child

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, you're right. I love this article and recommend it to our readers.

roddma said...

Society is good at telling what we should or shouldn't grieve. Infertile women are told to get over themselves while such an ordeal was made over people like Michelle Duggar from "19 Kids and Counting" and the loss of the 20th baby at 5 months gestation. While Just because a woman has never been pregnant isn't meaning she doesn't grieve. There have been discussions on the 19 kids facebook page about taking a risk like her. I had to straighten them out and said some can't have one kid. Then you get accused of being bitter toward those who have kids. Yes it is easy to be bitter when one woman keeps risking her life knowing the possibility of something like what happened to baby #20. They rally around her and tell infertiles to shut up. Like I said I am sorry for anyone going through that but the pain is no less when you can't conceive.

Karen Malone Wright said...

I believe you've hit on a part of why so many childless by chance women stay quiet. It's not only that it can be perceived as 'whining' by the rest of the world. It is true grief. No one runs around always talking about their dead mother, for example, if they know they'll be in tears after a single sentence.

Our triggers are omnipresent and offered to us by people who, even if they intellectually know of our pain, don't seem to see our repeated hurts and how something as "simple" as a sonogram is a saber blade.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Amen! Karen, you are so right.Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Sue Fagalde Lick said..." And the grief will come back again and again, like any big loss. " VERY true words, Sue ! I'm 66 yrs old and single,childless *not* by choice, and most any woman and especially group of women my age will be appropriately and understandably be talking on ( and on ) about children and mostly grandchildren. " Moving on " is hard enough but the frequent " being a wife/mother is what we're put on earth to do " " children/grandchildren are blessings from God " type expressions make me feel even more like an abject outsider and NOT "blessed" or deemed unworthy.

Anonymous said...

Calling all childless women article;

http://wanderlustwriter.wordpress.com/2010/03/28/calling-all-childless-women/

roddma said...

There is an article from a UK writer entitled "Mothers:Stop Your Moaning" Then the writer is told to stop whining about moaning mothers. Kind of iron huh? They fail to see her point. Yes parents moan like everyone but the author is saying they should stop moaning about how hard parenthood is because she has to deal with the pain of not having kids.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Ladies, thank you for sharing these articles. They're not too cheery, but they make the point that we certainly have deep feelings about this issue.

pam hodgetts said...

My situation is different. I am a 40 year old with two sons from a previous marriage. My partner is a lot younger than me and has no children. He knew that we wouldnt have kids when he propsed, but lately he has become depressed about not having his own children. I says he loves me, but isnt sure what he wants anymore. He has moved out and is totally pushing me away. I understand that he is grieving, i understand has I have had miscarriages, so I know how it feels to lose something you never really had. I want to help him and support him, but he want let me in, how can I help him over this and get my best friend back??

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Pam, I wish I had the answers to your questions. I'm sorry the situation has come to him moving out. Would either of you consider adoption?
Help me, readers, any advice for Pam?

Anonymous said...

" And the grief will come back again and again, like any big loss. "
My first loss was Aug 10th 1987.
Struggle with infertility until 1998 when I finally gave up and thought I put "closure" on my grief.
Now Aug 2012, at 49 and I am feeling a huge loss and emptiness as I watch my peers with their grandchildren. I never anticipated this would hurt as much. And fear 25 more years and dying alone with no family around me.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I know it's hard. I'm really struggling with it today myself. But we're not alone. Here's a big hug. (((((( ))))))

Anonymous said...

I never suggest adoption even as a childless by chance woman. Believe me I have a mother who use t work in human services and it isn't so cut and dry. There are a lot of hoops to jump through and for those grieving because of fertility it can create further emotional setbacks. The birth mother can change her mind about the adoption and a host of other things can go wrong. Not everyone will be qualified to adopt or foster.

It is sad society can't see past marriage and parenthood. neither my brother and I have children so my mom and dad are in their 70's with no grandkids. Ihough they don't pressure us, I know it must be hard for my mother to see her other siblings have grandkids and great-grands(though not always the best situations). I count myself luckier than most couple who have to deal with the constant pressure of having children and then grandchildren. Plenty of people left their mark on the world never marrying and becoming parents or grandparents. I think childless by choice and single by society people are slowly helping re-adjust attitudes.

Anonymous said...

I hope we are entitled to grieve... I'm 36 years old and have been married for almost 10 years... when we first got married I told my husband I did not want children..and he did want children .. 3 girls he would say...for the 1st five years of marriage we were ok.. soon after marriage he said you are right no children is a good idea..I thought great that problem is solved. But then something changed in me... I suddenly found myself smiling at babies and melting when I say little baby clothes .. I thought omg I want to be a mom.. I told my husband and he just looked at me like I was nuts, probably thinking this will pass. well to make a really long story short.. a year ago after dropping many hints and straight out telling him I WANT A BABY.. I sat him down and said I really want a child and im getting older and its time.. he basically said ..I love you..I want to be with you..but I dont want kids. well.. I thought to myself I married him I love him i made a comitment to him.. I dont want to lose him. So here I'am 36 with no babies..and I feel sad. I'am entitled to grieve my babies that I will never have.. and I hope that with time the pain will be less.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

What a rollercoaster ride, Anonymous 8/28. It's proof that we are all human and prone to changing our minds. You are definitely entitled to grieve, as well as to enjoy being with your husband.

Anonymous said...

I grieve the loss of ever having a real family more than the child itself. Besides my husband, the only family I have are my parents. As I get older, inevitably it will only be my husband, and maybe then eventually just me all alone if I'm unlucky enough to outlive him. I've tried in the past to create a "family" of sorts with friends but it just doesnt work. They all have their own things going on, and don't have the time to endulge me in being my surrogate family. It seems as people get older, family takes up a larger portion of their lives, and as I get deeper into my 30s and start to get too old to hang at bars with the 20 somethings, I feel like theres just no place for me in the world. It's hard enough knowing that I'll never get to experience holding my newborn baby in my arms but to think that as lonely as I am now its only going to get progressively worse...thats what really hurts.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Dear Anonymous Sept. 3, I'm sorry for your loss. It could indeed wind up being you alone. That's what happened to me. But, as my shrink often cautions, "It's too soon to tell." So when you find yourself getting crazy about the future, recite that to yourself. It's too soon to tell.

Anonymous said...

I'm 46 and without children. My husband had two sons to a previous marriage and he didn't want anymore. I had always wanted children but chose the relationship. I'd always felt grief regarding the decison but now he's had his first Grandchild and it's become quite unbearable. I don't want to spoil what is ajoyful time for him and his family by being sad so I'm finding myself withdrawing in order to cope. He can't understand my grief at all.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

It's really tough when your spouse has kids and then grandkids. If you can, try to get close to them and claim as much of a role in their lives as possible. This doesn't always work, but it can go a long way to ease the pain.

Anonymous said...

For the last 7 years I've been communicating with my partner that I want children one day. I'm now 33 and he is 30. Four months ago I asked if we could take a few months to consider what it would look like for us to start trying to get pregnant. Two days ago he said he doesn't see that he'll be ready any time soon and possibly he won't ever be ready. As in, he isn't sure he wants to have kids at all.

I've never really considered not having children as an option and for two days I've been fighting tears every time I see a child, hear about families on the radio/TV or even think about not having children. Grief is the best way to describe how I'm feeling.

Any advice?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I had the magic words to fix it. All I can advise is to keep communicating and let him know how necessary this is for you.

Anonymous said...

I can't begin to imagine the grief that some of you must feel. I am lucky enough to have a child from a previous relationship but I have always wanted more. My partner and I are about to get married and have discussed having children, even choosing potential names and setting out times for when we would start trying. Then, a couple of weeks ago, he told me he doesn't want children. since then i've not been able to sleep properly and I feel like I am grieving for my unborn children. This should be the happiest time of my life, dress fittings, make-up trials etc. but I just keep coming back to everything I'm losing

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon,
That just stinks. Tell him to change his mind back!
Sue

Fizz said...

This is going to sound strange...but I feel so sad because of the child I had planned with my partner but never had. We talked loads about having a baby after we'd gotten married. When we went shopping for my baby nephew, we'd talk excitedly about when we had OUR little baby one day. We had names picked out, I had dreams of this little boy. So did my partner. We talked about him a lot, and were so looking forward to being a family in the coming couple of years. Fast forward a year and my partner left me. We were supposed to be trying for our baby in the next 6 months. I think I'm always going to wonder what would have been. I'm pushing 35 now and I just don't DO love and relationships. I thought I'd found my soulmate and my happy ever after, I never even wanted kids before we met. Now, I feel so stupid for grieving for something that never even existed.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

It's not stupid at all, Fizz. You have lost a child and a marriage, and it sounds like you have lost your belief in love and marriage, too. You are entitled to grieve. I wish you love and peace.

happybaker said...

Why do you talk about adoption like its so easy??? It's not! I have secondary infertility and foolishly thought adoption was the answer. Unless we get a windfall of dollars the cost to adopt might as well be a million. The two children I have now prevent me from being able adopt the severely hurt children in foster care. Adoption is not the pat answer you make it. Beware!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

You're right, happybaker. Adoption is not easy. The only people who say it is are people who don't really know anything about it. Thanks for setting them straight.

Anonymous said...

Sue, I have 2 step-children and cannot conceive, much like the woman from oct 10th. Trying to "claim a role in their lives as much as you can" does not help with the grief of not having your own child. It is the opposite! We have 50/50 custody and every day I hear about their MOM. It is even harder to deal with not being able to conceive when you have to look at children your husband made with another woman. It doesn't matter what I do, their MOM is always #1 to them and they are a constant reminder of what I cannot have. The more I see them, the worse the grief. I love my husband dearly but it would be much easier to deal with if he was childless.

Anonymous said...

im 49 i have always wanted a big family. I got married 10 years ago for the first time (both of us) and talked about having 2 kids, names, etc. Well not long after our marriage she got sick and later on cancer. She past away in Feb of this year. I have never loved anyone more. i am grieving that we couldnt have kids. I the pain is there especially if i go back in my mind and think is there anything i could have done differently Now im at the age where I would have to marry someone a lot younger than my age. I just wish i could have had kids with her. its hard thinking back to what could have been. I mean like almost everyone else has kids why could we. Why did you have to take her? I trust God but that still doesn't make the pain any less. Now i wonder about who will take care of me as i get older. And since I'm alone again I guess ill have to learn to doing thing alone again... Heck I'm a loner as it is... Now how much more. anyway grieving over what maybe could a been.. silly i know but none the less it is what it is. rjw

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

It's not silly at all, Anonymous. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your wife. It's the kind of thing that doesn't seem fair at all. Now your challenge is to move into your new life without her. It may not be too late to bring children into your life in some way. I hope you can find some comfort. We are here for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm 27 my husbands 10 years older than me. We've been married now for 8 years an have had no luck with the child. And I have this horrible feeling its never going to happen. I don't have any friends anymore because they don't understand. And it hurts my heart so much to watch them have children. I feel like I can't be a part or participat in their life. I even get angry whenever someone announces a pregnancy. I don't know who or what I am anymore if I can't be a mother. I have nothing to look forward to.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Don't give up yet. You have time. Try to enjoy one day at a time. It will get easier, I promise.

Anonymous said...

I am 36. I have always wanted children..Today I found out, that I will never be able to conceive. I am grieving the loss of a child, I'll never have and it hurts like hell!!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to give you any of the usual advice you'll hear plenty of. Just take it one day at a time. ((()))

Anonymous said...

I do not really belong here since I have two children already, but it is the only place I could find where people were grieving a child who was not to be. I love my children, I am grateful for them, I enjoy being with them, but I desperately want a third and in my mind that child was always supposed to have been. However my husband says no. People tell me to be grateful for what I have and I am, very... but still in my heart I will always grieve this child, who to me I have lost and not even because I cannot conceive. I put a years hard work into being able to fall pregnant safely again after a very difficult second pregnancy and yet after all that it is still no for reasons that have not been properly discussed and which I believe never will be - in the meantime I grieve for the baby, the child, the teenager and the adult who would have had two marvellous sisters.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, you are welcome, and you are entitled to grieve the child you didn't have. I have you can find a way to hold this child in your heart and still be happy for the ones you have.

Anonymous said...

I am reading all of these posts as I sit at work, trying to, again, hold back the tears. I had to come to accept the 4 miscarriages I had, which I have. Then we started the private adoption process and shortly after, I was laid off from work in 2012. This delayed the adoption process since we were running low on funds in order to keep our home. Now I am grateful to have found a job, however, I am making much less, given the economy. After realizing things are still tight, I thought, "how can we afford day care at over $1,000 a mo.??" So, we have made the painful decision to move on. Sometimes I feel more pain, even a little resentful because my husband has 2grown children. Everyone around me has children. It's not fair.....what made them better parents than me? Why do people who mistreat their children get blessed with them? It is like a death. I am going through all of the different parts of the grieving process, sadness, anger, empty. I don't know how to start to feel better.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Anonymous, that's so sad. It shouldn't be so hard. Money shouldn't even be a factor, but I know it is. I don't know why people who don't seem to deserve it have children while others who would make great parents don't, but that's how it is. You have probably already read my more recent posts on beginning to heal. There are things there you can try. Counseling can help. Getting involved in something that take your mind off it also helps. I pray that you and your husband find peace.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this haven. It made me feel a lot less alone. I begged for 4 years to my husband for us to have a baby. Finally he agreed to not stop it but,1.5 years later no baby, but lot of new nieces n nephews and sonograms! I've lost friendships because I d know how to handle seeing the new babies. I'm trying harder now though. But the pain, the tears esp with each period or announcement - it's torture!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

I'm so sorry. I'm glad we can be here for you, and I hope that baby comes soon.

Anonymous said...

I have sons, all grown up now, totally independent and, as sons so often do, totally finding their way in the world and gradually growing away. My partner of a dozen years wont have more children and i just feel that i was not ready to give up being a mother yet and, more importantly to me, that there's a little girl out there who's waiting for me to be her mummy. I can see her in my mind's eye, so vividly. I thought my partner would've changed his mind by now - he always said one day, but it's not the right time yet' - I've wasted so much time and now it's almost too late. The grief is as profound as any i've experienced so far in my life.

Anonymous said...

It's been a while since anyone has posted but I just had to say that even at age 54, and not being able to get pregnant. I still feel deep sadness at times that I could not have children. I still remember playing with baby dolls when I was younger. I came from a large family and none of my 4 sisters had any problem getting pregnant; just me. Yes, I question why to this day. One of my sister's and my friend says I'm lucky, that I don't have kids to hurt me or worry about. But isn't that part of life!!? Yea I'm real lucky. They just don't get it. Having to work with girls your own age getting pregnant and a month later someone else. It seemed like every time I turned around someone was pregnant. But never me. I have accepted it, but now and then I do get sad about it. My husband is fine with it, no problem. My dogs are my kids and that does help and I love them as if they were my kids and there are a lot of childless pet parents.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Thanks for sharing this, Anonymous Aug. 28. We forget about those who are physically unable to get pregnant. I can't imagine how hard that must be. I'm glad you're okay most of the time. As my dad likes to say, it is what it is.

John I said...

Hello I am a 27 year old and have had radiation and chemotherapy when I was 18 years old. I am married now at 27 years old and my wife wants a child. I cannot provide that and I am perfectly okay with the fact that I cannot have children but she wants one so bad. She has said its a dream of every woman to have a child. I don't want to bring a child into the world today cause there is so much chaos and so many things that go against the bible. He/she might not even be able to act correctly and it would come back to me cause I don't know how to raise my child. Which I would be raising him the Bible way. But the government is throwing out ridiculous laws saying you can only punish your child the correct way not hitting them. How am I supposed to explain to my child that there is only one daddy and one mommy to each family when we have women marrying women, and men marrying men. I cant fight the government or I go to jail. Today's world is so corrupt that I cant see raising a child in it would benefit the child at all.
I am not worried about not having children, my wife is the main one who is worried. Yes it would be awesome to have a complete family but why bring the child in a corrupt world?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

John, I'm sorry your radiation and chemo took the choice away from you so young. I hope you are truly considering your wife's feelings when you rant about not bringing a child into a corrupt world. Personally, I don't think it's so bad. I wish you all the best.

John I said...

I have considered her feelings and do agree with her that having a child is exciting and awesome! But when the doctor asked me before I had radiation or chemo if I wanted to do a test to allow me to have children after I went through radiation chemo. I said 'no' if God wants me to have children then he will let me have them. I don't need that. I was 18 years old at the time. Children were the Last thing on my mind. I'm with my wife yes because she is my wife. I just haven't seen the big deal over the situation. I feel so horrible because my wife feels down all the time, its very aggravating for the both of us. Unless something convinces me different my feelings wont really change about not being able to have a child. If I do have a child out of the blue then yes I will love this child tremendously. He/She is mine and no one will take that from me. Im listening to any comments. But what am I supposed to do? I cant so why worry?

Anonymous said...

I'm 27 this yr and I've been with my partner now for 6yrs he is older than me at 44. I know the age gap is large but that's not the issue here. I went into our relationshi very open and honest in my wants for the future and that marriage and children was a must.He has a child from a x relationship. before we started us I asked repeatedly if he wanted more children he was always not sure yet but probably a bit later on
at 20yrs old I was happy to see what the relationship evolves into. 3yrs later madly in love I'm still not got answers. I had made my feelings on the subject very clear he knew how important having kids is to me. Then one day while he was gardening he turned to me and said "you know what babe I've decided I don't want to have any more kids not now not ever" I was so dumbfounded bye what he said it took a couple of days to actually sink in I just kept replaying what he said and how he said it I just kept thinking what's happened what's changed why all of a sudden out of knowwhere it's a no a bleeping fing no! I ended up writing this huge letter pouring my heart and soul into it practicality begging for an answer as to why what changed and unfortunately I never really received on apart from I just don't which is not by any means good enough when your talking about another party being expected to give up such a large part of what makes me a woman. That maternal instinct that no matter how hard I try I can't seen to squash into silence. Oh I wish it would go away...ne way to cut what is becoming a extremely long-winded story...... We are now 3 more years into our relationship with some small advancement as to reasons and what not but in those three years my heart has broken and my soul is dying. Sometimes it hurts so much and the pain and longing becomes so unbearable I've at moments seriously considered taking out my bits to make the pain go away. I've almost lost my best friend of 15yrs because I fell to pieces when she told me she was pregnant a week after my man dropped his atomic bomb. Thankfully now we r okay but it cost me the title of godmother and for that grand mistake I will never forgive myself. I can no longer go into large shopping centres as I cannot bare to see all the parents and children the way the little ones stare at you feels like their looking right into my soul and then my heart crumbles. I lost my job as a coach for crying during classes. I.haven't been thru in mybhead all the I'll nevers...I'll never be pregnant. I'll never give birth... I'll never read a bed time story... I'll never get to feel the unconditional love between a parent and a child. Every time I think I've made my way to the end of the list I see a new moment on TV or a friend will tell me a new story or my partners kid will get his first car..or see my parents melt over their first grandchild I die a little bit inside. It hurts so much all the time. Every time I think alright you've done it you've finally after all this time accepted it and put it behind myself something will happen and I'll fall right back into that black hole of despair, longingless and I hate to admit but outright blind jealousy. Its has been the hardest lonelist 3yrs of my life and trust me when I say (yes I know at my age u won't believe me) but wholly cow have I had some dodgy ones but this one I just can't seem to overcome. It won't go away it's with me always and I just want it to stop. Please make it stop I don't want to feel like this anymore....why should I have to loose the love of my life to make the pain stop. And then if I did there is no guarantee I'll ever get the opportunity to love like this again let alone find someone to have children with. I am such a mess I don't know what to do anymore

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I am so sorry you're going through this and hurting so badly. You know the options: leave him for someone else or stay and give up children. Maybe someday he might change his mind, but probably not. You need to find somebody to help you work this out, a counselor or somebody else you trust. I pray you find the help you need.

Jill Durham said...

It's not too late! It does not get easier! 53 and childless not by choice!

bubbly grl said...

I haven't posted on here before but I have read others and this blog really speaks to me. For months I have been struggling with the fact I'm single and have no children,I tried to talk to some of my friends about it and all they told me was to get over it due to my age, I am 25 but my mother suffered from server infertility and went threw 13 years of IVF to have me so I have always thought if I am not mum by the time I'm in my late 20s I would miss the boat.
It has gotten so bad over the last few months that I teared up when a friend asked me if I was seeing someone, luckily she is caring and did not push the subject. Finally the other day my mum was joking with me and said she wants twin girls for her grandchildren and I had the courage to tell her I didn't think it would be happening and I was sorry, she actually cried. Then when my dad came in the room he said why don't you want us to look after your kids (like they were here) and I told him what I told mum. All he said was your mum was 40, and walked away. I feel like many of the others, scared of having no family as it is only my mum and dad and I, defective and I have tried to find a family in my friends.
I am trying to throw my self into work and study to cope with it and for a while the distraction worked, now inhave everything set up and waiting for university to start again its come back worse than ever. I feel as though I'm being punished or that I'll never be good enough to have a child of my own.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Bubbly Girl,
Get yourself checked out physically first. Maybe there's no reason at all to worry about this. Second, get some counseling so you can deal with all those feelings of being not good enough to have a child. Of course you're good enough. I hope you can find peace with this.

Canadian lady said...

I am 41 years old (almost 42) and have been dating a wonderful man (43 almost 44 yrs) for over a year. When he asked me out, we had already known each other as friends off and on for years. He is a widower and has a young son from his late wife. I get along very well with his son and I knew his late wife as well.
At 40 years old and single, I had truly, truly given up the hope of ever finding love and had resigned myself to being single with no children by circumstance, not by choice. And then he asked me out and when we started dating suddenly we both realized how good a fit we are in so many ways. We have a tremendous amount in common and really enjoy being together. He talks about getting married and we are looking forward to the start of our new life together.
This should be an easy, happy ending...but there is a part of me that is mourning deeply. I can't help feeling resentful of the fact that I now meet the man of my dreams when I am now almost 42 years old, when it is too late for us to have a child. It seems cruel. I probably could have had a child with someone else earlier on but I chose not to because I wanted to wait to have a child and a family with the right person. But now that I have finally found him, and he is lovely, it is too late.
He also had a vasectomy several years ago and at this point in his life, after caring for his late wife for many years, he doesn't feel he has the energy and youth he'd need to have the vasectomy reversed, go through the stress of trying to have a child...and there is fear too of having a child with special needs because of our ages. He spent years caring for his ill wife and doesn't feel that he could be strong enough to care for a child with special needs. Between the vasectomy and our ages, it just seems so unfair that I will never hold a baby close knowing that s/he is a part of me and my partner. It hurts so much I feel like I can't breathe at times. My chest aches...and he knows it. He feels terrible that he can't give me the child I so desperately want with him, and I know he mourns too. How do you stop this ache?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Canadian Lady, I'm sorry you're hurting so much over this. It will get easier with time. How? Minute by minute, day by day, appreciating what you do have in life, including this wonderful man. I wish you all the best.

Julie Zulauf said...

I am 40 and Just recently been through a failed IVF. I thought I was fine until yesterday and I saw a friends baby and broke down in tears!!!! Is this normal to cry and cry?? I have never experienced this before and thought I was coming to terms with the fact I may never ever be able to conceive... How long will these feelings remain?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh, Julie, I'm sorry. I think it's normal. I saw a photo on Facebook yesterday of my brother with his kids and grandkids and started bawling. And I'm 64. I think they last forever, but the tears get farther apart. Hang in there.