Saturday, May 19, 2012

He said he didn't want any more kids

Thursday, I wrote about how my first husband, Jim, didn't want children. It was a gradual, non-stated thing until I thought I might be pregnant. Then he said he'd leave if I was pregnant.

Our divorce a year or so later had nothing to do with that, but under the rules of the Catholic church, I was able to obtain an annulment on the grounds that he refused to have children. The diocesan tribunal in San Francisco ruled it an invalid marriage.

So, three years later, along came Fred, cute, funny, loving, responsible, gainfully employed, all the stuff a girl wants in a husband. The first time we made love, I rushed to put my diaphragm in, but it proved unnecessary. He had had a vasectomy after his third child was born. After we got engaged, we talked about reversing the vasectomy or adopting a child, but finally he told me that he really didn't want to have any more children. I was upset, but we went on to get married. Did I think he'd change his mind? Probably. I tend heavily toward denial. But in our 25 years of marriage, the only babies in our family were the ones his daughter had.

Looking back, I'm glad Fred was honest about not wanting more children. Over the years, I found that he liked children, but didn't want to be responsible for them. Like Jim, he wasn't keen on babies. To be honest, he wasn't even that good with puppies. All that noise and mess. I grieved the loss of the children I might have had, and, to Fred's credit, he felt tremendously guilty.

It's not always that one person is the bad guy. I can see Fred's side. He was 15 years older than me, and he had spent years raising the three kids he already had. He had thought he was done with that part of life until I came along. If there's any blame to be laid, it's on me. Fred loved me enough that I believe he would have gone along with the process if I had insisted that I couldn't be happy without being a  mother. Instead, I made a non-decision and the years passed until it was too late.

How about you? Have you made a definite decision to have or not have kids? If you cannot be happy without them, have you made that clear to your partner?  Will it damage your relationship if one person has to give up what they want?

DEAR READERS: I MOVED THIS BLOG TO A NEW SITE IN AUGUST 2015. IT CONTAINS ALL OF THE OLD POSTS, PLUS NEW ONES. IF YOU'D LIKE TO COMMENT ON THIS POST, PLEASE DO IT AT http://childlessbymarriageblog.com/2012/05/19/he-said-he-didnt-want-any-more-kids/ 

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am in a similar situation. I made it clear that not having a baby was a deal breaker. He agreed and reneged, somewhat by default and later by biology while I remained much to his irritation relentlessly fertile. In one of life's many little ironies he has a daughter. So he had one and I have none. Does it affect our relationship? Yes! I once thought of him as my soulmate, anam cara. While I still love him my feelings are not of the same depth. Some of the love has been replaced by hurt, anger, and jealously. I watch as he enjoys life's little triumphs and pleasures, fathers day, a wedding, good news from work... I feel outside looking in, nose pressed against the glass.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, Thank you for sharing this with us. I appreciate your honesty. I wish the situation were different for you, but I bet a lot of readers can identify with what you're going through.

Anonymous said...

It's been both powerful & reassuring to read this blog. I'm 40 in a month, its taken me a long time to believe in myself enough to be a mother, and to find a man I want to build a future with. We've been together 5 years. He has a son, who I've never met and lives in another country. He often goes to see his son for xmas, birthdays etc, and I don't go. His ex isn't easy and doesn't want me to meet the son. Ok, that hurts a lot, we've argued over it - but I try to accept it as much as I can. Its made harder to accept though, because he doesn't want anymore children - not with me. We've talked, he seems to have some notion of how confused and upset i am at the prospect of not having any children of my own, but i'm still left feeling quite purposeless and sad about it all. 40 is a weird age, and I feel friends don't understand why I'm not a mum. I avoid situations, and feel lost inside. I feel like an outsider, and don't really know how to move through this without people thinking i'm some old spinster with 500 cats!
Its hard, i feel so close to him & he clearly wants to build a life with me, but not as a mum.
I hope i can learn to accept it better, and find a sense of purpose someplace.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Welcome, Anonymous. I wish I knew how to solve your problems, but know that we are here for you.

Anonymous said...

"Fred loved me enough that I believe he would have gone along with the process if I had insisted that I couldn't be happy without being a mother. Instead, I made a non-decision and the years passed until it was too late"

I was combing your blog, and any blogs I could find, to sift through my own issues of whether or not to have a child. I am also married to someone who is not particularly interested in being a parent, but adores me and would support my decision to be a parent. This particular quote sent waves through me...I realize I have not been taking responsibility for my own future, and was waiting for my spouse to suddenly become as excited as I would be about the prospect of being a parent. So, that said, I have made the decision to give it a try. I appreciate your blog, and your open sharing of such a painful and emotionally confusing topic. Thank you, thank you.
Maria

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Maria, I wish you all the luck in the world with this.

Anonymous said...

feeling hugely comforted by your blog, and by both Anonymous' posts, thank you so much for sharing... I'm in a similar state Husband 15 yrs older but has two boys already, feeling left out and empty... sister breeding like mad and apparently getting preferential treatment for inheritance. At 43 I just feel a bit silly that I can't get over it!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Welcome, Anonymous July 6. We know the feeling. But there's nothing silly about having trouble getting over it. It's natural to feel bad about it sometimes, especially with your sister emphasizing what you're missing. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for all your comments here I dont feel so alone. At times I feel empty & sad, my husband had a vasectomy 12 years ago after the birth of their second child during his first marriage . We have been married now for 2 years, I have always longed for children of my own and he knows this. We see his children (Boy is 16 and Girl is 14) every weekend I feel nothing special towards them but I love my nephews and nieces more due to seeing them from birth and watching them grow. I am 36 and my husband is 44 my biological clock is ticking, we looked at options of IVF but this is very expensive. Personally I am even willing to go to the route of sperm donations but husband is a traditionalist only he can father our child, thinking back I think his comments and his decision is selfish and has affected me emotionally. I keep grieving over the feelings like I had lost a child, not having the chance to see my own child grow up and seeing my own grandchildren. How do I fulfil my dreams of motherhood? Do we need a marriage guidance? Divorce?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I wish I had the answers to these questions. Maybe a counselor could help you talk it through and figure out what you want to do. It all comes down to whether you want to risk losing the husband you have for the child you might have. Which is more important, and that's a question nobody else can answer for you.
Readers, do you have advice for our latest anonymous?

Anonymous said...

I have been with my boyfriend for close to 5 years. He has 2 daugthes I have no children. He recently told me that he does not want any more children. Im a little heart broken. I did not always want children I would have been fine with him not wanting any kids if he didnt already have any. Helping him raise his kids has opened my heart to wanting to add to our family. Its hard going to the kids basketball game and watching all the parents talk about their kids and im left on the side line. I thought he was the one but now im not so sure. Age is also a factor for me im 32. Im so confused

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous,
It's hard, isn't it? When they're his kids and not yours, you're always going to feel a little left out. But you have to be sure whether you really do want your own or just want to feel less left out. Keep the conversation going with your boyfriend. You still have a little time, but if he's serious about not having more kids, you'll have to decide whether that's okay or you need to find someone else.

Anonymous said...

I'd love some advice if anyone has it. I turned 40 this year and have been dating my boyfriend for just on 2 years. He has two kids by his previous marriage (9 and 12). I was pretty upfront with him from the beginning that marriage and a kid were important to me - and that I wanted to be a mama. At the time, he thought that was wonderful. When we had the proper conversation though - about a year into dating, he admitted that he was leaning towards not wanting to have anymore kids. Since then, we've had the conversation several times and each time it starts with "I don't really see myself having any more kids"... we go through the idea of breaking up... then it turns into "I just need some time to process it and think about what it would mean". So I give him some time and we come back to the same place. That's been happening for the last year. Most recently he admitted he hasn't really shifted internally on the issue - but he also said that he doesn't want to make decisions based on his fears, he wants to be courageous. Again, he asked for time. I know he loves me. We have a great relationship in most other respects. Actually - we really do have something good together. But to never be a mama - I just can't do it. I watch him with his kids and I want that for myself too. He's so good with kids, ironically. He's actually a great dad. His fears are around finance, what it would mean for his artistic aspirations and his age (he's 49). What should I do? I keep trying to work up the courageous to leave and just have done with it. And take my chances with finding someone I'd love enough, and have a good enough relationship with to want to have babies with. (In time to have them of course). Part of me thinks that if I was courageous, I'd do this and that I should stand for myself and my vision for my life. Another part of me thinks this is silly, that I should give it more time, keep talking and working on my relationship with him. That this is the real, sticky, messy reality of life I'm experiencing with him and it would be taking the easy path to just pull-out because things are a bit complicated. What should I do? (I must confess too I have a serious fear of rejection and loss which makes me act sometimes like a startled deer in headlights at the idea that he may not love me as much as I love him... after all if he loved me, wouldn't the answer just be yes??) Help!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm going to be blunt. At 40, you don't have time to fool around with this. Your chances of getting pregnant are getting smaller by the minute. It doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind, so you have to decide whether it's worth giving him up to take a chance on maybe finding someone else in time to have children. He sounds like a great guy. Tell him you don't have any more time and be clear about how you feel, that you need to try to get pregnant now. I really hope you can work this out.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for going on five years and he has said repeatedly that he does not want anymore kids. He has two kids from previous relationships and basically refuses to even talk about what would happen if we have an accidental pregnancy. I do understand where he is coming from, he lost his daughter in a horrendous and long custody battle after his divorce, and although we see his son on a regular basis, he simply doesn't want anymore children. I very much want to be a mom at some point, and though I'm only 25 (he is 33) I know I want a child of my own too. I love his kids but it's heartbreaking and makes me incredibly envious and even a smidge resentful. I have nightmares about being pregnant and him leaving me because of it. I'm terrified of the possibility of becoming pregnant because I love him more than anything and don't want to lose him, but what if I do get pregnant even while on birth control? I want to know he won't leave me in that circumstance, but he won't give me any reassurance on the issue. Any advice would be appreciated!
DMB

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh boy, Anonymous. I wish I knew what to tell you. My gut says that if you cannot relax and know that if you did get pregnant, your boyfriend would love you and the baby, then you need a different boyfriend. You can't live constantly in fear. No guy is worth that. I know some people have been traumatized by their previous experiences with children, but this isn't fair to you.
What do other readers think?

Anonymous said...

If someone doesnt want something I feel like all necessary precautions will be taken to prevent it. If you had an accidental pregnancy you didnt do it to yourself. He provided the missing link to the birds and bees. It comes down to accepting responsibility. If he loves you he should accept what was done by both parties involved.

Anonymous said...

Im in a similar situation. Im 31 and my bf is 40. He has a son from a previous long term relationship of 14 years of which there was no marriage and a desire of 1 child was agreed upon and thoroughly planned. We were both honest in the beginning he didnt want any more children nor marriage and I 'wasn't sold on the idea of either' but was moderately sure having a biological child was not a desire. 1 year and half later seeing him interact with his son has made me fall more in love with him and the desire of our own child continues to lurk in the back of my mind.He had verbal plans of getting a vasectomy a year ago but has yet to do it. He says hes afraid of the procedure itself and the temporary permnancy. Which makes me wonder if he does want another. I admit I flip flop as I love our current freedom to come and go (when his son isn't visiting). Im o.k. about the marriage thing but wonder if Im prolonging the inevitable regarding motherhood. I am perfectly o.k. with adopting and would rather. While it's still early this us why im trying to determine if I'm dining my wheels. I don't want to be 5 years in abd the motherhood bug hits abd stays.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh, Anonymouses, there you go. The need to accept responsibility if pregnancy happens should be obvious, but I guess it isn't. Meanwhile, so many of us just aren't sure what to do about the baby thing. We kind of want a baby, but we're not sure, but we're afraid we'll regret it if we don't, and the partner is equally unsure, and time is marching on, and man, maybe it was easier in the days when people didn't have so many choices. You're all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I have always felt so alone until I read this post. My situation is very similar. My husband and I have been married for about 2 years. He is 17 years older than me and has a vasectomy. Prior to marriage we talked about children... about the possibility of IVF or reversal. We never had an in depth conversation about it other than that he wants what I want. If I want a kid, then so does he. Sounds like I am being pretty selfish I know. He has a 6 year old child from a previous marriage that I help take care of. We get along great and have a special connection and in some ways I think it is even harder because I lack that connection when she is gone- which is the majority of the time. I am 28 and already struggling with the idea that I will never have children because we cannot afford any procedures. He says he understands but I can't imagine him completely understanding how I am feeling. At times it does affect our relationship because he gets defensive when I am upset. After all, his life seems complete already. Who am I to ask him to start all over with another child? Any advice?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Feb. 25,
Boy this sounds familiar. Except that my husband had three kids and said he didn't want any more. At least your husband is willing to talk about it and try to give you want you want. IVF is crazy expensive, but vasectomy reversals aren't so bad. I'd encourage him to do that and hope that's all you need to make a baby. I wish you all the best.

krystallb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Hi Crystal. That's kind of a gnarly situation. To me, it seems like you need to decide whether you want to have a baby with your husband because you want to have a baby or because you don't want to have anything his other women had. Forget them. He's with you now.

Single in Los Angeles said...

I am in a very similar situation, but have different questions about it. I am 29 years old, and my boyfriend who was previously married and has 2 kids is 40. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and things are very serious. When we first started dating I wasn't looking for nor did I want to get married or have kids, and he was very upfront and honest that he didn't want either of these things. Now, he says he has fallen so in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and get married, but still is holding firm on no kids. I still don't know if I want kids, but I know I want the option to have them if I changed my mind down the road, but he is not willing to budge. I think a relationship is about compromise, and he has definitely compromised and met me half way when it comes to marriage. Am I being too selfish? Do I want too much for myself? I read a blogger say above she changed her mind on kids and marriage because she loved and trusted her partner. That is exactly how I feel. I want these things with HIM...no one else because I love him so much and he is such an amazing person who loves me, supports me, cherishes me. Do I give all of that up because I might want to have kids one day but am still not sure? I am so confused. Any advice will help!

Jennifer Mills said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
noelle said...

I stumbled upon your blog after doing a google search for "fiance had a vasectomy". I am in a very weird situation. I love my fiance but his lack of trust and the fact that I found out he had a vasectomy, is killing me. I found out because I was looking through his texts with the kids mom/ex wife and she asked if he wanted more kids and he responded it's not possible... and she stated it could be reversed and there was also the chance of adoption. I confronted him, because to me, this was very important. But then he went by stating that I invaded his privacy for looking through his phone/texts.. for him, it became more of a lack of trust in me rather than focusing on the real problem. He didn't trust ME To tell me the truth about this. Before he proposed, I told him that I would be willing to marry if he was willing to have a child. I am 32 years old now, but when we met I had barely turned 27. I am financially stable- more stable than he is/was and he has two boys from his previous marriage. One of them is 15 and the other is 16. We co-parent and we have a good relationship for the mostpart... I am an extrovert with ADD and he is an introvert so a lot of our quarrels are around him wanting to do his own things and I am trying to bring him in to participate in events and family stuff. He is very detached from his family, he's a great dad though. So for me, it's hard to see him be a father and not want to father my kids... or my kid. I still have time to make a decision, but this has been the reason why I haven't set the date for a wedding. I was going to have a december wedding but this topic was still in the air so I am scared to take the leap and get married when he won't change and things will remain the same.. he said he is willing to do whatever it takes to see me happy BUT how can i live with knowing he didn't want this child??? will he feel connected? and willing to parent? He tells me that I don't love him for him-- that I love him conditionally (with the condition of having a child) and that he loves me without conditions. It's such a tough situation. I think of it, and if it was my best friend going through this I would probably recommend she walked away... but we have a house together and so much together. I am scared of starting over.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Noelle, Aug. 18, why does this keep happening? Your fiance talks about you putting conditions on him, but he's putting conditions on you. He'll marry you if you give up on having children. That's asking a lot. I know it's hard to back out when you've gone this far, but if I had done it when I was engaged to my first husband, my life would have been totally different, and I'd probably have children. So don't feel pressured into this marriage if it doesn't feel right.

Ashley B said...

I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2. Im 32 and he's 47. he has 4 kids from his previous marriage (27, 26, 21 and 18) Before we got married we had many discussions about having children. We knew it wouldn't be easy because he has a vasectomy so IFV is our only option at this point, and its very costly. But he knew how important it was and still is to me to have a child. Every time the "baby" subject comes up we get into an argument and I close up and just don't want to discuss it. We can talk about literally everything else but having a baby. Its like a forbidden word in our home. I feel like he has taken the "desire" and everything wonderful that a women dreams about when wanting to have a baby, completely out of me. Its like deep down I still want a baby, but on the surface the want and desire is completely gone. I am completely depressed and it shows.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Ashley, you need to talk it out, if not with your husband then with a friend or a counselor. This is a big blow. He might be able to have his vasectomy reversed. Don't give up yet. I hope you can find some peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

I hope some of these women that posted their stories in 2013/2014 have had favorable resolutions to their childlessness. I am also dealing with my own childlessness. I am in my mid 30s and my husband is mid 50s. We have been married 8 years. Before we decided to get married, we agreed to have at least one child together (he has two adult children). We have never prevented pregnancy. I thought something was wrong with me! Why couldn't I get pregnant when everyone else around me were popping out babies left and right?
Just before our 2nd anniversary, he casually refers to the vasectomy he had over 15 years before, after the birth of his last child. What? All the time we had talked about and planned to have a baby, he not once mentioned a vasectomy. We even had baby names and schools picked out for our future child!
To say that I was (am) devistated is a true understatement. 6 years have passed since then, and I still have not come to terms or in any way accepted this "forced" childlessness. My heart hurts so much sometimes that I don't feel like I have the strength to take a shower or brush my teeth. The only thing I ever really wanted to "achieve" in life was being a mom! I know that adoption or IVF are out there, but I sure don't have the money.
I try to tell myself that having a good relationship with my husband and no kids is
better than having a poor relationship with him and lots of kids. This doesn't heal or even soothe my ache; I just hope if I repeat it enough, I will start to believe it someday.
I wish I knew what to say to all us suffering from childlessness. My hat is off to you Sue for trying to help.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh man, Anonymous. He didn't mention his vasectomy! Unbelievable. God bless for still loving him and staying with him. If I help even a little, I'm glad. Do you mind if I share this with readers on today's blog post over at the new site?
Hang in there, Anon.

Anonymous said...

I am anonymous from last night. Please share my post if you want. Where is this new site?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, I should have said that. My new posts are appearing at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. See you there. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

My partner and I are in a similar situation. First off, I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only person out there with this struggle. I feel really alone, very often.
He is 41 and I am 30. He has 4 children from a previous marriage, and he adores his children. He's an excellent father. He has two sons and two daughters. We all get along great. At the beginning of our relationship it was made glaringly clear that I want to be a mother. He was on board and we talked through what the best timing would look like for our family and his vasectomy reversal. We see his kids every other weekend and for half of their school breaks- they are all teenagers and are great with little kids and babies. Now, two years later he's unsure he wants to go through with it. He says being a mother will change me, just like it did his ex. He's worried about finances. He wants and expects me to treat his kids like they came from my own body, and I do. Two of them call me mom. The thing that struck me the hardest about this blog entry was the line that says the only babies in the relationship were the ones his daughter had. The line made me physically ill.
He says he wants me to be happy, to be satisfied with just him. He wants to know I love him, and I do. I think we both know that I do, and I treat him with so much respect. He takes priority in my life and that's something no one questions... But what about me? What about this? What about the fact that the only thing I ever wanted out of life was to be a mom. I have an amazing mom. All of my siblings have children and they are all very best friends. I feel like I'm constantly giving up on my dream for someone else's comfort. I know if I were pregnant he would be so excited- he's even said so, which makes it even more confusing. When we make love he sometimes talks about it- about me having a baby, about being his beautiful wife and the mother of his children, but we aren't moving forward. Every time the topic comes up his insecurities scream louder than my desire, and I don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do.
He also occasionally says things to me like "it's different when they're your own" when I talk about the love I have for the children in my life, or "I love being a dad", or he'll make comments about how he loves the special relationship he has with his daughters. He's even talked about how he can't wait to be a grandpa. I feel like the unknowing of whether or not he'll move forward with me in attempting to get pregnant is going to kill me by heartache. I'm even okay if I don't get pregnant. I can be happy with that, but I'm not okay with simply not trying. The thought of leaving him over this devastates me. It would wreck me and the kids he currently has. At the same time, I feel like he snatched all the magic out of our relationship by taking it off the table and being undecided about putting it back ther- the baby topic. I sometimes fear that he just wants me around for long enough to help him raise the kids he's got and if I press the issue later down the road then he'll leave because he won't need me to help him with the other kids anymore. When he's done paying child support then he'll go. It could be my confusion or insecurity talking, but what if that's the case? I don't know what to think anymore.
The thought of his teenage daughter getting older and having children, and his joy over that future baby while I sit on the sidelines having never had the chance makes me sad, bitter, and afraid. I'm afraid of that being my reality. I'd be incredibly hurt and at that point jealous. I feel like I've been unwillingly sterilized. But I'm madly in love.
The magic I felt with him died when he quit talking about us having a baby... We even named her (or him). I feel like my very own child has died, and there's nobody to share in the grief.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry you're having all this heartache. But your husband sounds like a good guy who loves you. Maybe you should show him what you wrote here. Maybe would understand better. It's worthy a try. Don't give up.

Anonymous said...

God it's been very comforting reading all the posts and the one thing that appears clear to me is we are scared if we leave we will never fall in live again. I've just been dumped and I'm broken hearted as I truly was with the must amazing guy. He had 2 teenage kids from a failed marraige over 10 years ago. I'm 38 he is 44 and on our first date because I knew he had kids I asked was he open to having more which he answered straight away. A few months in he had a bit if a panic attack n said he didn't want anymore children and needs to concentrate on the kids he has. He is dealing with a lot of guilt over his kids because he left. I think he feels he failed them and therefore doesn't want to bring anymore kids into this world but knows I deserve to be a mum. I am truly heartbroken as we had an amazing relationship and deep down I know he doesn't want it to finish but had to be honest n true to me. I don't know if I do or don't want kids but I would like to have the choice and if I do in the next few years. I'm so scared if being on my own and what if I never meet someone, would my ex take me back if I said I gave up on the chance of having kids. I love him so much but I know he had to be honest. I'm still questioning is he honest though and us it the guilt that he has over his 2 kids stopping him. Funny thing is they will be all grown up soon and won't need him. He knows he will never met anyone like me. It's just so hard.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Nobody really knows what will happen in the future. You might meet someone even better, you might not. Keep the lines of communication open with this guy. Maybe it's not over yet. I hope things work out for you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Sue for your kind reply. I feel lost without him but I guess it's not our time right now and I'm very scared of being alone. He is such a wonderful guy and feel that the guilt has him thorn inside. I thought I could help him deal with his demons from his past relationship but I should of known better, he can only help himself. Sometimes I wonder would a baby be the making if him as he is a great dad to his kids when they allow him(teenagers!!)
Should I not contact him and let him be for now?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, I'd let him be for a while, but it would be okay once in a while to call to see how he is and how the kids are doing. After all, you were a family. But take some time to take care of yourself, too.

Anonymous said...

I recently started reading this blog because I am currently married and finally ready to have a baby of my own and I'm afraid about my husband's reaction to possible baby news. You see, I am 34 and my hubby is 47. We have been with together for 13 years and married for almost 3. My husband has six children of his own 5 girls & one boy by 5 different women and the youngest boy is (8 years old) and was conceived while we were together (Ugggh). The girls are all over 21. Although we have always planned for children and want them my husband keeps wanting to wait another year when I am fully ready to have a baby now. I truly feel like he really doesn't want anymore, but that is not an option for me especially since he has his kids and his son was conceived with his crazy ex during our relationship. Well, I just recently decided to stop taking my birth control pills but I have yet to officially tell him since we technically agreed that March would be my last pill month.

Anyways, my concern is that I will become pregnant and he will not be happy about it. Although we love each other and want to be together, I am completely prepared to raise a baby on my own if he reacts negatively to our future baby announcement. Besides, I worked my butt off in school and at work in preparation for this time in my life and I will not have a man; although he is my husband steal my baby joy.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Go for it, Anonymous. You're prepared for the worst, and maybe he'll be happy to have another baby. What's one more when you already have six? I hope it all works out for you.

Anonymous said...

Im almost 39, his 48. He has three kids from his previous marriage. When i met him, i tokd him i wanted at least one of my own kids. That this was a deal breaker. We started the process of ivf since he has a vasectomy. Tiday he told me he doesnt want to have anymore kds because he cannot afford it. Im devastate and lost...

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Maybe he'll change his mind. I hope so, for your sake.

Anonymous said...

Re: anonymous 4?4/2016 and others in late 30's especially approaching 40 yrs old with partners over 45 yrs old with vasectomies you are in the way to becoming both childless and loosing your partners, plus loosing out by your attitudes choosing misery, pointless rumination, envy etc..

Your own chances of concieving and delivering a healthy unimpaired child are already very low, made extremely low by partners vasectomy that's far from recent.
Furthermore, in this situation the fertility treatments required will become extremely expensive, probably repeated and still probably fail.

Were you likely to in the remote chance technically succeed there is a higher chance any child may end up with various suseptabilities wether from the start or even teens. Do some research to get these details.

Even if you got to be the less likely success cases re a baby and healthy, your partners are the realistic ines re long term future of both if you having a child so late in life.

The realistic cincerns are firstly the high energy requirments for raising any child in late age that your partners are extra aware of having done that.
Secondly the reality is that it's a very costly process at the minimum requiring lots if extra money for another 18 minimum years.These days a chap can't count on remaining at his maximal earning power up till 65-70 yrs of age. Most of these partners have still a decade of providing for remaining offspring and clearing any debts to be then ideally getting passably set up for retirement wether voluntary or caused by declines in health.

Your not taking in that generally their divorcing put a dent in their assets, but by having their first batch of kids in the normal age group they are more or less on track to finish their initial responability to kids they had and be OK for their next stage.It would be insanity to do otherwise.

I doubt any of these chaps thought that you never got around to procreating earlier women wouldn't wake up to this reality orwould really be hung up on having a baby if not having done so earlier in life.More a temp fantasy of what could have been re new in love hormones and had you met years earlier.IT'S NOT HIS FAULT YOU NEVER GOT AROUND TO HAVING A KID WHEN YOUNGER, NOT HIS RESPONSABILITY TO MAKE UP TO YOU WHAT YOU MISSED OUT ON BEFORE, BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE MADE UP, IT'S JUST TOO DARN LATE!

Yes, old couples who are BOTH childless can give the late fertility stuff a burl.That's because both may have plenty of assests by not having or still having to pay for kids and even have enough money stashed away for tratments, child raising, future costs and retirement.

If you can't get that through your brain and emotions, do everyone a favour and go promptly so the chap can move in to another who can be happy with what he has to offer.

Anonymous said...

I'm struggling a lot recently. I've been in a relationship with a man who has two children of primary school age. I am in my late twenties and he is early thirties. I have a great relationship with his children on a friendship level. To be honest, I often find myself thinking how I wouldn't bring them up in certain ways, but feel it isn't my business, and I am appreciative they have all let me in to their live. My partner is still technically married to the mother of his children but they are separated and she has been with her partner longer than I have been with my bf (we've been together for 3 years). He is lovely and we get on so well but to be honest he acts like a teenager half the time and that'd only half the problem...
The main issue is that he had a vasectomy after his second child was born and meanwhile I really want children. I know it seems silly that I am with someone that can't have children when I want them but what can I say - priorities change as you get older and three years ago I didn't feel so strongly about the situation.
I love my boyfriend to pieces and having had shitty boyfriends in the past, I really appreciate how much he cares for me. However I have asked whether he will get divorced numerous times and he doesn't really seem bothered as he doesn't particularly value marriage. He often says he will get married if I want to and he will get the vasectomy reversal but it all seems on the condition that I move out with him. That makes me feel kind of trapped into moving in with him without any secure future of children (all the while being step mum to his kids) I also don't really know how we will afford the reversal when we struggle enough as it is! (bearing in mind he has two kids to provide for already) I often feel he would be happy with me just being in his life and paying half the rent/looking after his children but what about my needs? I'm scared to brihng it up with him as everytime we discuss it it turns into an argument so I just avoid it now....but whilst I watch another friend buy a house with their bf, get married, have children....I mourn for my future :'( I have no doubt he loves me but I don't know if love is enough. I want marriage and a big family. Sometimes I feel maybe I'm being unrealistic and unfair but then I remember he technically has everything that I want and then I feel slightly jealous :S I feel if I settled I would always feel like the outsider in his life. I am also very close to my family and have always wanted to give my parents grandchildren. As it stands they find it hard to accept my significant other as married, with children and a vasectomy.
I'm tearing my hair out with worry at the moment - I don't want to waste my prime years and miss the boat on having children but I also don't want to give up on someone who I love as I am a very loyal person.
Any advice would be very much appreciated! xxx

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, don't give in. If he won't commit, find someone else. I know you love him, but you're giving everything and he's giving nothing.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, don't give in. If he won't commit, find someone else. I know you love him, but you're giving everything and he's giving nothing.