Monday, January 23, 2012

I Dream About a Boy and a Man

Nine months ago this morning, my husband Fred was dying. I dreamed last night that I saw him in a parking garage. Standing beside me was a little boy, slender, maybe 11 years old, our son. Fred was dressed up for work, looking wonderful, his hair and beard still brown. I was shocked to see him. It was a miracle. "Are you back?" I asked. "I guess so. I'm here," he said. I kept staring at him, trying to drink him in. Finally, he kissed us both goodbye, then got into the car and drove away.

I put my arms around my son. He looked very Hispanic, clearly from my side of the family. We started to dance. "You're a great dancer already," I said. "Just like your dad." We danced for a long time. Then I turned around and saw on the floor a pair of blue socks still in the shape of Fred's feet. I knew he was gone.

Morbid and weird, I know, but I'm struck by my dream about this son. Over the years I've had lots of baby dreams where I was pregnant or had an infant in my arms. This is the first time I've dreamed about an older child. It's like he was sent to comfort me.

I wonder what it would be like if I had the real thing. He'd be at school now. This afternoon, I'd be waiting to greet him instead of preparing to walk the dog. Oh well. Perhaps Fred was sending me a gift on this anniversary, telling me he's still here, even if I can't see or touch him anymore.

Do you dream about babies or children you might have had? Let's share.
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Did I tell you my essay, "My Imaginary Daughter?" has been published in the current edition of Still Crazy literary magazine? You might not have heard of it, but it's a fun read, available online as well as in paper.

10 comments:

Professor said...

I dream about my "never was" baby all the time. She's a little girl, born with a head of thick brown hair. I hate waking up and losing that dream, because she seems so real. I wonder if she is real - perhaps a spirit that was never born?

Suelick said...

That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing this, Professor.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your interesting post today Sue.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue, how are you doing today?

Suelick said...

Anonymous,
To be honest, I'm having a tough day. But tomorrow will be better. It always is. I hope you're doing okay.

Anonymous said...

"Some people have children. Others consciously choose not to. Others of us do not have children because of the people we chose as partners. They were unable or unwilling to make babies. "
...and a few of us, like myself, don't have children because we were born without a complete set of well formed reproductive parts, which affected how we felt about ourselves and what we expected relationship-wise with our lives.

Suelick said...

Anonymous, Thanks for adding this. It's important to note that some people's body just won't let them have children. I'm so sorry.
Sue

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Anonymous said...

Yes, I've dreamt of the children I never had.


I've seen a baby girl. Once, I saw a six-yr old, 7 yrs after I had a possible miscarriage.

My mother (who had dementia) used to talk about my 'wee boy'. Go figure.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Maybe there is a wee boy for you in the spirit world somewhere. Thanks for sharing this.