Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Can you forgive him or her for not giving you children?

Last week, one of my readers asked if I had written about forgiveness. It’s key to moving on past a lack of children, she said. I had not, but I think we should talk about it.

In a marriage where one partner can’t or doesn’t want to have children and the other one does, somebody is not going to get what they want. There’s just no way around it. Either you split up and look for someone who feels the same way, or one of you gives in. The person who didn’t really want kids agrees to have them anyway or the one did want them remains childless. It’s a painful situation. Do you love the other person enough to make this kind of sacrifice? And if you do, is part of you going to hate them forever or can you forgive them?

I was married twice. Husband number one let me know a couple years into the marriage that he did not want children, couldn’t stand babies and would leave me if I had one. Would he really have done that? I don’t know. After six years, we divorced. Looking back, I know that he was not an evil person. He was just young. He was not ready to be a father, even if I felt completely ready to have a baby. Should I hate him? No. It just wasn’t meant to be.

Then came Fred, husband number two. When we got married, he was 48 years old. His kids were 18, 16, and 8. He and his first wife had spent years raising them, and now freedom was in sight. He didn’t want to start over with another baby. In fact, he had had a vasectomy to make sure he and his ex wouldn’t conceive again. I know that he loved me enough that if I had insisted on having a child, he would have agreed to seek a way to make me pregnant, but I didn’t insist. I just ran around feeling sorry for myself. I can understand all that now, and I can forgive him. He didn’t give me children of my own but he gave me so many other things.

I’m still working on forgiving myself.

If you’re in the throes of unfulfilled baby lust, it isn’t easy to forgive anyone or anything who denies you a child. But try, just for a minute, to see things from their perspective. Maybe you can’t forgive them yet. Maybe you can’t live with this and need to find another mate or another way to deal with the situation. But try to see things from their side. What makes them feel the way they do? Understanding is the first step toward finding a solution you both can live with.

So, in this new year, however it turns out, whatever you have to do, try a little forgiveness.

DEAR READERS. THIS BLOG HAS MOVED TO ANOTHER ADDRESS. PLEASE MAKE YOUR COMMENTS THERE SO EVERYONE CAN READ THEM. YOU'LL FIND IT AT http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. SEE YOU THERE.

196 comments:

Anonymous said...

Right now I'm dealing with my husband becoming a grandfather and how 'grand' it is. But he denied me a child [would not even try when I begged] sooo it's really hard watching on this grandness and try to forgive at the same time.

Suelick said...

Anonymous,
It's tough when they become grandparents and you didn't even get to be a parent. Maybe it's not a good time for forgiveness. It might be all you can do to be civil. :-)

Anonymous said...

I could deal with it better if he had at least tried to have a baby with me and not played God instead. Plus his daughter is a drug addict and has used him for money over and over again. He finally stopped giving money and she quit talking to him. I know she will try to get to him thru her son. It's a very ugly situation with her. He didn't want any more kids because I wanted to try that was when she was deep into drugs and trouble [about 15 years ago now] She gave her 1 child because she didn't know who the father was [but at least she gave up the child to give it a chance, that was almost 6 years agot] So it really is hard to be forgiving.

Suelick said...

Oh, that's an ugly situation. I am so sorry. Just try to hang on. Things will even out with time, I promise.

Elena said...

I'm really trying but i can't get there. I will be fourty this year. Will i "find another mate" and then still have a chance to have children? Will the "next mate" - supposedly a man around my age - not be someone who already had children and not want anymore with me? Will I be able to accept it then? Will the "next mate" agree to children - but then we'll find out together that my time, biologically, is already up? Or will it take more than 2 or 3 years...by which time i will definitely be too old?
Or should I stop this thinking in circles and just forget about the babies?
It's my ex who brought me into this situation. He probably made a life decision for me. There was no decision left for me to make, since he decided not only on the "no children" but also on the "no more relationship".
I know some people think I'm whining and that "there's a whole lot of opportunities out there for me" but it just doesn't feel that way.

Suelick said...

Hi Elena. I'm sure lots of women out there feel just like you, so know that you're not alone. Being 40 and seeing the door about to shut on motherhood is a tough time. I hope you find a way to stop thinking in circles and find peace.

Elena said...

Thanks Sue

Anonymous said...

Elena, that's what happened to me. I was 37 when I really pushed the issue with my husband. I thought if I left, what were the chances of me finding another guy [quickly because of my age and most likely his age] that would want to get married and have kids right away? So I stayed and here I am 14 years later watching him get to be a grandfather and I can not forgive either.

Anonymous said...

Im with a man who already had te troubled marriage and kids and doesnt really treat me very well. At least in your case Sue you found a special man so that was something , I never dated a decent guy and doubt they even exist. I have nothing , who do I even forgive i a situation like this

Suelick said...

Oh, Anonymous, I'm so sorry. I assure there are good guys out there. Try to find at least one good thing in your life. I wish you peace.
Sue

Older Woman said...

I just found your blog. Perhaps this isn't the place for me to share my story. I will understand if you delete this comment.

I am the other half of this equation -- the one who comes to the love of her life with a child from a previous marriage, who is approaching menopause, who is not sure she can give her younger partner the child he wants. It's a terrible thing to understand what my partner is giving up to be with me. I don't know what the answer will be for us. For all I know, I could end up adopting a baby in my 50s, although it's not what I ever envisioned for my life and not, at this point, what I want. More likely, we will not have children together. I wonder how he will forgive me. I wonder how I will forgive him. I wonder how I will forgive myself.

Suelick said...

Older Woman, Thank you for posting this. I think it's important to see the other side of the story. In a woman's case, it's even more complicated because our child-bearing years are limited. I hope you and your husband find a solution you both can live with.

Anonymous said...

My Husband cannot give me a child because he is medically not capable. (No Sperm) This is making me so miserable, depressed and at times very angry. I cannot but help be moody at times. My husband is totally all right with the fact that he does not have kids. In fact he does not want any and is quite happy with the medical condition he is having. He in unable to understand how I feel though and expects me to grow up and move on….to deal with things. I am falling flat on my face on this. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that I will not be able to have a kid. I love my husband and I want a kid by him. So I do not wish to adopt because I would always feel that it is not our kid. But I just cannot help the way I feel sometimes. I feel jealous when any of my friends have kids. I have no one to talk to as I have not talked about his problem with anyone. I feel bad to put him down in public by saying that he can’t give me kids. Instead I take the blame by saying that I am having a medical condition. This is not helping me either. Not that my husband has not told me not to talk about his medical issues in public but its just me feeling bad to put him down. Please help me to move on. Please say something to take this pain away. Right now I am feeling very sad for myself.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Anonymous, what a tough situation. I don't think you have to explain to anybody who isn't your doctor why you can't have kids. It's none of their business. It's good that you don't want to air your husband's medical problems in public, but you don't have to imply nonexistent problems for yourself.
It sounds like you and your husband have a pretty good relationship outside of this problem. I think you need to talk about this with him a lot more, make him understand that this is a big deal for you, that you have every right to want children and every right to grieve if you can't have them. It's okay to cry over it. Ultimately, if you stay with this husband, you'll have to find a way to live without children, and that is hard but do-able. I wish you peace and send you a virtual hug. ((()))

Anonymous said...

My husband and I got married last year I made sure to tell him I wanted kids and he had said he did too. He already has 3 kids 18, 14 and 11. I made sure that he did because my first marriage didn't work because he didn't well come to find out 8 years after our divorce I found out he has two kids with the girl he left me for. Well anyway getting to the point my husband 14 daughter came to live with us shortly after we got married and she has been a nightmare since she has no respect for women. My husband decided to tell me shortly before Christmas that he no longer wants anymore and I told him to get the divorce papers ready. He got very angry but once I point out I made it very clear before we married that I want kids and if you don't walk away now I am not giving up my dream for no one. Well thankfully his cousin pointed it out as well. After many hours of talking we will start trying with in the year. I have truthful with every man I have been with if don't want kids walk away now. A lot of guys have tried to talk me out of but I just walked away from them. They thought I was joking till I moved out. I have ran into some of them and they all thought I was bluffing till I walked away.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Bravo, Anonymous. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself and making it clear that you're not backing down. When we're wishy-washy about it, nothing happens. But if we take a stand, we may just get our wish. I wish you all the best with your baby-making future. And good luck with the stepkids.

Anonymous said...

I sit here feeling emotionally dead inside, and struggle daily with the same feelings these other women have written about. I'm 36 now and have been married almost 8 years. I've spent the past 4 years trying to convince my husband to have children. About 9 months ago, I really started pressuring him to make a commitment to pursue having children with me. He has no children and had a vasectomy several years ago in his previous marriage. He says he did it for his (ex)wife who didn't want children, although he maintains he always wanted children. We found a surgeon who said he could reverse the vasectomy and make my husband just about "as good as new". We have since scheduled and then cancelled two surgery dates for the reversal. Both times, my husband backed out at the last minute because, he says, it just wasn't the right time-because we aren't getting along, or it's too expensive, or how will it affect the child I had from a previous relationship, etc. (I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship.) I've tried to explain to him that because I was a single mom for the first 7 years of my daughter's life, I never really had the opportunity to enjoy being her mom. I worked multiple jobs, so my mother became her primary caregiver. And she was the one to enjoy all the "firsts", i.e. first word, first tooth, first step, etc. I was relegated to being nothing more than an older sister to my daughter. For years my daughter viewed my mom as being her mother rather than me. She would run to my mother for comfort or protection when hurt or sad. She preferred to stay with my mom rather than come home at night with me. On the one hand I feel so guilty and selfish for being angry and devastated that I can't have more children, because I know I should be happy with the one I have. And I AM so thankful for my daughter. But on the other hand, I don't know how to forgive my husband for refusing to even TRY to fulfill my desire for more children. I don't know how to move on past the hurt, betrayal, anger, and depression that I feel is setting in, deeper every day. I believe in God and know I'm called to forgive him, but I honestly don't know how to forgive him and move on, or if I ever will. We have other issues in the relationship with him being dishonest and evasive to avoid conflict, which has not helped matters. We're in counseling, but it isn't helping much. My husband and the counselor want me to make a commitment to work on the marriage with the thought that maybe one day we could still try to have children. But, I don't think I can make that commitment. I've done a lot of research into statistics of having children after 36-37, and it's not too promising. I feel so hopeless and have no desire to put forth the effort and energy to make this relationship work anymore. I just want to give up and move on.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I am so sorry for your pain. What jumps out at me is that the longer one waits, the more difficult it is to successfully reverse a vasectomy. If only there were some way to get your husband to have the surgery right away and then deal with the rest of it, whether to have a child, work on the marriage, or give it up. Lots of women do have children in their 30s, so it's too soon to say it's too late. But you've got to figure out whether the marriage is going to work. Just know that somewhere beyond this current muddle, there will be a more peaceful and happy life. I wish you all the best.

T said...

I am in the middle of a similar situation now. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. He has two wonderful sons from a previous marriage. We have been talking about having a baby off and on for years. He had gotten a vasectomy while still married to his ex. We knew that having one would mean medical intervention. We at different times had explored adoption, foster care and having a baby. We went through most of the process of fostering and then decided it was not for us for various reasons. Cut to a couple months back, having a baby was a go. We set an appointment with the fertility doc who was booked two months out and I anxiously waited. My husband grew very, um moody? About it. I could hardly talk to him about any aspect of it with out getting an attitude from him. We went to the appointment and he was so cold the entire time. On the way home, I asked what was up and he snapped at me. He informed me that this was something important to me. Not us, we, he... just me. Ouch. A few days later he says he just doesn't know that he wants to have a baby. Without boring you with the whole conversation, I though at the end of it from his words and actions that it was just him being scared because of his age (he is almost 40, I am 29)he even went as far as telling me at the end of that conversation that he knew it was not the last time we would be addressing it. We agreed that we had said all we could that night and we would talk more at another time. Then a couple nights ago I asked him if he had put anymore thought into the baby situation and he quickly and rudely snaps "No" at me. He informed me that he had already told me no last time we talked. I told him I was confused because I thought he was considering it. He says he has nothing more to say on the topic because he said all he needed to say on the topic... "No". So now, I am heartbroken and at a loss. I want a baby. I want him and this marriage as well. I just do not know that I am willing to give up wanting to have a child of my own.... </3

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh T, I hear so many similar stories, and I hurt for you. Clearly your husband is not going to talk about it now, so maybe you'll have to wait a bit. At 29, you still have time, but you'll have to decide which is more important to you, saving the marriage or having a child. The conversation isn't over, but let him cool down a little. I wish you the best with this.

Anonymous said...

This is a follow up to my anonymous post on April 6, 2013. I have explained repeatedly to my spouse that we've almost run out of time to get anything done medically. Now he is saying he will do the surgery because it's what I want, not "we" or "us". And I'm sure, like most women, we don't want to have a baby when only one partner wants one. We want it to be a mutual decision and one that we both are excited to make together.
Like "T" who posted on April 9, I have also considered adoption and fostering, but after looking into it further, I don't see that it's the best option for our family.
I hope and pray that "T" can resolve her situation. I completely understand what she's going through. My husband did the same thing where he became more moody and irritable the closer we got to both of his surgery dates.
On a side note, yesterday we went house shopping for a home closer to where he works. At one of the open houses, the realtor informed us the house was for sale because the family was going to have two more children and wanted a bigger home. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It completely ruined the rest of my afternoon and I'm still aching this morning. I don't even want to leave my house anymore. It seems like all I see are babies, pregnant women or people talking about babies, families, children, etc. Please tell me this pain will subside in time. :(

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I hurt for you. Isn't it awful when somebody says they'll go along with what you want, but you just know they're going to hate it and complain all the way? Bleh. So how bad do you want a baby, bad enough to put up with whatever he dishes out after he does the surgery? If so, go for it.
I'm sorry the house-hunting ruined your afternoon. Babies do seem to be everywhere, especially when you're feeling bad about not having them.
The pain will subside in time, I promise you. You're at the age when it's huge, but eventually it will get easier.

hactina said...

I just recently found your post. Three years ago I married a wonderful and supportive man but he lived abroad, so I had to pretty much change every aspect of my life when I moved to his country. He did mention sometimes that he wanted to have kids before certain age and I always reply that I needed time to cope with the change and land on my feet in my new location. One year ago I started trying to have kids (bought books, maternity cloth and even some baby cloth), I've always figure that since I'm have excellent health and all of the women in my family got pregnant in a snap this would be my case. Fast forward 6 months I couldn't get pregnant and he started to get moody. We have not tried to get pregnant in the last three months and he made the decision of stop trying all together and blamed me for waiting on our 2 first years of marriage. Even though, I was shocked, since this leaves me all alone in a different country, I decided that if I would not get kids, I will try to get the best marriage possible. But he is completely distant and furious at me. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he made a decision and is miserable because of it, a decision that can be reverse. What can I do? I’ve suggested therapy but he does not want to go nor to talk to anyone (family or friends or even me). Can you help me? I don’t think I can be on a marriage as miserable as the one I have right now for the rest of my life, but I really love my husband.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Dear Hactina,
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't think anyone can blame you for wanting to wait a little to get used to a new life in a new country before trying to have children. How awful that he changed his mind. But I'm thinking it's totally possible that he'll change his mind again and want to work on having children. Right now it sounds like such a sensitive situation that maybe you should let it go for a while. Work on the relationship and figure out whether your love is strong enough to carry you through, whether or not you have children. Counseling might help, but not if he won't go. Stop pushing him and let him cool down. I hope things get better soon.

Anonymous said...

I just found your post. I am 42 and my partner is 47. We are not married but are in a committed relationship. We live together and have been together for five years. He has a 7 year-old daughter from the previous relationship and she comes to stay with us regularly. I have many times expressed to him that I want a child with him and want us to try. I will happily accept if I don't get pregnant (and that can well be possible due to my age) but having him insisting we cannot have a child together (that is what he says) has been very painful and I do resent him, which has started affecting the relationship negatively. I have started thinking about leaving him. I cannot be with someone I resent. I'm very sad about the whole thing. He is a sincere man who is devoted to his daughter.. am I right in thinking like this? I cannot tell anyone about this as all my friends have kids. I feel very alone.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous May 24, I wish you weren't in this situation. I wish nobody was. The truth is that even if he gives in and says okay, let's try to have a baby, he may resent you, and bad feelings will continue, whether or not you get pregnant. At 42, the odds aren't great, but it could happen. You need to figure out which is more important, saving your relationship with this man or taking a chance that you might have a child with someone else. I wish you luck. Know that you are not alone.

Baby Center Agency said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sad_mona said...

I've been with my SO for 3 years; he has two older children from a previous marriage, and I have no children, but am wishing for one desperately, at 32 years old. While unmarried we are thoroughly committed to each other, and are absolutely made for each other. I know he must have fears, but his being firm on not giving us the gift of parenthood is getting to be too much. Like annonymous 2 posts above, I would even be willing to accept the fact that I couldn't have any of my own for medical reasons, but I want to try so badly, to say that we at least tried. I can't help but feel hopeless, and at times, unfortunately, that I hate him and am so envious of his ex. It has been said above: it's as if "she" was better than me in that he married her and chose her to be a mother, unlike me. This can't be healthy for us. I don't know where else to turn to. While I am glad I am not alone in my feelings, it hurts me to see so many of us in so much pain.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Dear Sad Mona, so not fair, so not fair. I keep seeing the same story over and over. I want to throttle the husbands for being so selfish. You still have time to change his mind, but if you nag too much he'll get mad, so I don't really the answer except the same old one: is he worth sticking with even if he won't give you children?
Hugs.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Dear Sad Mona, so not fair, so not fair. I keep seeing the same story over and over. I want to throttle the husbands for being so selfish. You still have time to change his mind, but if you nag too much he'll get mad, so I don't really the answer except the same old one: is he worth sticking with even if he won't give you children?
Hugs.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Would be nice to hear people's opinions on this.
My husband has a lot of emotional and physical difficulties. His parents brought him up very badly and it has had a huge impact on our lives. When we were first together he was very verbally abusive towards me and treated me appallingly, yet tried to get me to have children with him. Of course I didn't want to have children with him when he was treating me like that and my work situation was very difficult too. After a few years I felt things were better and I suggested having children. He said "It's too late now" and that was that. I was shocked but a long time after he admitted that he said it to spite me because I didn't want children when we were first married. I explained why and he understood a little but he finds it very difficult to see anyone else's point of view because of the way he's been brought up. Since then we have tried on and off to have children but it has always been a very difficult subject and he hasn't been willing to work on his health to make it possible (he has diabetes and alcohol problems). Why am I still with him? He is not a bad person, he has been damaged by his upbringing and it's difficult to totally condemn him. He has also improved in his behaviour since taking anti-depressants. My problem is that he won't make the effort to be healthy and give us a chance to have children and I feel he owes that to me but I don't think he sees that at all. I find it very difficult not to feel bitter towards him and particularly his mother, who caused so many of our problems and has also caused me great sadness due to her extreme emotional inabilities which led to her killing my lovely cat when she was looking after him (she forced him to sit on her lap because she wanted him to like her, he ran up the chimney and she pulled him down so hard that she broke his spine. She has never admitted or apologised for this, we found out because she let it slip). Am I being too forgiving and letting myself be a victim of my husband's dysfunctional family? As time passes I feel more angry and bitter as my husband doesn't want to understand or talk about things and I can't stand the sight of his mother. I feel that I have to make huge sacrifices for them all the time because of their problems but they only care about themselves and I'm the one who has to suffer while they are protected by my forgiveness. Is there a limit to forgiveness? It's very difficult to say that when the people you're trying to forgive have problems themselves (both he and his mother have problems from poor upbringings). Any thoughts much appreciated! Thank you, A

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, I am sorry you have had to go through all this. I am not sure I could hang in there .only you can decide whether you life would be better or worse without this man. I hope you can a way to make it work.
Readers, do you have any words of wisdom for Anonymous ?

amanda @ There Are 2 Sides said...

My husband and I have been together 7 years and married for just over one. At first he was happy and excited to have a kid with me (he has 2 from his first marriage), but over the years he feels 'he is too old' to have kids now. I don't have any and I just want one of my own. His kids are mine as much as they can be, but they are not mine. If he leaves me tomorrow I have 0 family and he has 2 kids.
I feel like I am being cheated. He refuses to have another kid, even though he knows just how much it really means to me. He says I should 'just leave him (said with a snotty tone)' if he would rather have a kid than be with him. How do I choose between the two? Stay with someone I love and give up on a lifelong dream or do I give up my love and find someone who loves me enough to have a kid with me???

I am at a loss.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Dear Amanda,
Your last sentence says it all. This is the choice so many of us have had to face. Stay with the man (or woman) we love and give up children or leave him and hope you can find someone else who wants to have babies with you? As I wrote in my post, there's no good answer. Somebody's going to get hurt. I do know how you feel. I'm glad you have a relationship with his kids. Try to cherish it. I want to tell you to keep telling your husband you have to have child, but nagging will just push him away. I pray that you both find a way to work this out.

Anonymous said...

I been with my bf for 6 years and i always wanted to be mom.he has a six year old son from a previous relationship for the last three years he been telling me were gonna try for a baby but when that time came he changed his mind and told me he dont want anymore kids because he already has one and i feel like he wasted the last three years of my life he felt this way for awhile and didnt care to share it with me knowing how much i wanted a child i love him but i want to be a mother so is it time for me to move on

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Jan. 6, If you are asking if it's time to move on, I'd say yes. You have to ask yourself which you want more, this man or your own children. I wish you luck with this. It's not easy.

Anonymous said...

I am a 48 year old woman with a 14 year old daughter. My partner is 30. We have been together for 5 1/2 wonderfully happy years. When we met I was very clear that I didn't want any more children - I tried to put him off and asked him to think really hard about what he wanted. He chose me. Now he is saying that he thinks he wants a child after all and may leave our relationship in search of what seems like a fantasy to me. I am devastated and waiting for him to make his mind up. We have started work with a counsellor to try to straighten this out but I am so hurt at the moment that i just don't know what to do. I am just waiting for his decision and praying that he values what we have enough to choose our life together.He says that he still feels the same about me and that he wants us to be together but is torn by this other idea of an alternative future.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Anonymous Jan. 12,
What a pickle. Your husband is in the situation so many of the women here find themselves in, married to older men who already have all the children they want. There is never a perfect solution. I hope the love you have for each other can carry you through, and that counseling can help you work it out. Don't give up.

Anonymous said...

Well, my situation is that my husband can't have kids anymore. He has a 15 years old daughter form his previous marriage, so we we got married we did it with the idea of having maybe 1 or 2 kids. About 2 years ago we were told that he mostly won't be able to get me pregnant. We had a round of IUF which didn't work.
Now, I have to deal with the prospect that I might not have kids at all since I'm 37.
I'm confused, sad and a little depressed about; my husband is wonderful, but I'm not sure if I will be able to live with this decision.

I appreciate your advise.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Jan. 24, I'm so sorry this happened to you and your husband. It's a sad thing. I'm sure you know all the usual answers people give: adopt, use a sperm donor, keep trying with the fertility specialists. Don't give up hope, but try to see the other things that are good in your life right now, and know that life will be okay if you don't have kids.

Readers? Any advice?

Anonymous said...

I never wanted children or marriage and I unexpectedly fell in love with a man older than me. I am 25 and he is 50.. He is everything I have ever wanted and more. He has one child and is a widower. In the beginning I told him I never wanted children and he told me he knows he doesn't do to his age. After a couple years of being with him, I want a child and I've expressed it to him and it always ends in a fight. He sometimes tells me that he would give me what me what I wanted if we were married. I told him I would feel awful trapping him like that. He is such a great Dad, and I want that with him. I would never want to lose him, and his son. They mean absolutely everything to me.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry you're in this situation. People change their minds, and you can't help it. But you did go into it knowing the situation, and I hope you can find a way to accept it because it sounds like he's a great guy.

Anonymous said...

Dear T: divorce his sorry ass now while you are still young. If you don't, you are going to be like me, childless not by choice and middle-aged! Go find yourself a good man who wants to have children with you....try the dating websites after you ditch this selfish man your currently with.

Anonymous said...

I already have a child but desperately wanted a larger family. I met a wonderful man but he didn't want children and despite a great deal of heartache I gave up the idea of having more children to stay with him. I am now 45 and guess what - he regrets the decision. I know I have a son and I count my blessing each day but I am just waiting for the day he leaves me so he can have children of his own.

Anonymous said...

Hi thank you for everyone who has posted on this site, I find it very useful to read.

I am 27 years old and my fiancé is 40. We have been together for 3.5 years and have been engaged for a year. We have a really good relationship, we are so good together and love each other very much.
I am a student in my second year of university and he has a good job where he makes lots of money.
I was told by my doctor last year that because of my family history of gynelgicial problems it may be difficult for me to have children if I wait to long. She told me this knowing i really want children.

So recently I have been thinking about it and brought it up to my fiancé about how i was scared that if I waited too long i might not have the chance. I posed the question of trying now and I could take a 1 year break from school just so I can make sure I don't miss out on the opportunity of having a family. He says no, he wants me to finish school first. And if i have a baby now I will never go back. This is my second career, and I could go back to either 2 at any time so the school is purely so I can ensure a better paying job in my future.

I just don't know what to do or say. If i wait till i am in my 30's It may not happen. My mother, her sisters and my grandmother all had hysterectomy by 30-35 due to a plethora of genetic issues that will most likely hinder me from having children if I wait.
How do you think I should approach the situation? I feel really bad that he can't see it from my point. And i feel even more bad thinking that he is essentially making me choose between having a gamily or my career. I don't think It is fair for him to choose such a thing for me.
Am I over reacting? And I thinking too much? I really want a baby, and I know I can do school and be a mother. I just don't know what to do or say.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, First, I hope you're the member of the family who breaks the trend and stays healthy for many more years. Second, the more you harass your fiance about having kids, the more stubborn he's likely to get because that's how people are. But you need to get him to understand the urgency. Is it possible to have your doctor talk to him? Or somebody else, a family member or counselor? He needs to understand that everything else can wait, but if you're going to have children, it has to be now. I hope you can resolve this.

Anonymous said...

I too, got married at the age of 35 but was not aware that husbad got vasectomy from previous marriage because the wife has 2 kids from previous marriage. I was so devastated, he did not tell me before we got engage. I had been trying to get pregnant, like a dumb because hes not telling me the truth. We are still together, but our relationship is no longer the same. I dont hug and kiss him anymore. Im planjing to leave him if the right time comes. We did went to get consult from infertility doctor and IVF is our only option. I told him if I would have know earlier, we would have work things out. Im so devastated I would not have known if I havent drag him to see the infertilty doctor, I feel so worthless,, I thought I married a man with dignity and trustworthy, I dont feel the love for him anymore. I feel this marriage was a lie and is not valid at all.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, that's terrible. I'm sorry this happened to you. It would be hard to trust your husband after that. I hope you can find peace.

Anonymous said...

I'm 43, married for 10 years. My husband is 41. We both agreed on no children but now he changed his mind! Even if I changed mine the odds are against me on having a healthy baby!! He wants to leave me to find a younger woman who wants a baby. We moved cross country fir his career, I gave up my job and have been unemployed for 2 years supporting him in all his endeavors and he drops this bomb. I told him we could try to have a baby but he doesn't want to roll the dice with me and my age and possible birth defects.....my life is over.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Damn! I hate this, Anonymous. I want to punch your husband until he understands he's an idiot. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's not fair. It's not right. I hope you can work it out and make him understand why he married you in the first place.
Your life is not over, but it's definitely going to change. You're in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for addressing this topic. I want to thank all the women who posted comments and shared their stories. It's nice to know other people feel the same way I do. But instead of hearing more stories about heartache, can anyone provide advice on how to start the healing process?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, this is such a good question. Readers, please add your suggestions in the comments. I will address this in a future post.

Anonymous said...

I agree I need to know how to heal from this. I thought I could manage my pain but when I realized that my husband did not want to have a baby with me. We did get pregnant via IVF but I miscarried. Through the whole process my husband was so disengaged it was awful. I decided that I could not do IVF again because it was so hard on us and he so obviously did't want another child (he has three from a previous marriage). Having made that decision I have tried unsuccessfully to manage my heartache and it is getting worse not better. I have tried counselling a few times but I cant seem to get past it. I love my husband so I need to find a way to forgive because right now I am not very easy to live with and I am hurting him with my anger.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, I know this is very painful and it's natural to lash out at the source of your pain. But picture life without him, and take it one day at a time. I hope you can find peace.

Anonymous said...

I blame my husband. I hate him. I don't know if I can continue in this life and in this marriage.
I left all my life, family, friends and work behind to be with him in another country. In the beginning I wasn't ready to have a child, I was too young (he had a bad marriage and 2 bad soons). A couple of years back, I told him I wanna a child and initially he said no, to than change to OK. It is not just OK to have a child. I wanted him to want it. From that moment on, we stop having sex. He says that he got impotent. I hate him! Time passed, I am too old to get pregnant (just back from the doctor's office). I don't know what to do.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like you need to figure out whether you still have enough love to stay together, with or without children. I hope you can work it out.

Anonymous said...

Interesting reading all these posts, I'm going through a horrible situation quite unlike anything mentioned here.

My wife always wanted children and I have always been on the fence. We got married young (20,18) and I wasn't ready for the 1st 7-8 years understandably.

After that I finally felt ready and she knocked it and started preparing myself , (health wide etc) and when we were ready to start trying she got cold feet, saying she was happy the way things were, enjoying our childfree life.

I said that was fine as we still had time so we could discuss it again in the future, I asked her 4-6 times a year if she still didn't want them and if she did then she needed to be honest with me as I was still happy either way. I didn't have the strong biological urge as many men don't so was happy to go with the flow.

8 years later (36,34) she blindsided me 8 weeks ago saying she has always wanted them and wasn't being honest with herself or me as she didn't want them with me unless I really wanted them. Now she rersents m and this has causedher feeling to change for me and shes wants a divoirce.

After 8 weeks of trying to convince her to stay and give us a chance (ts not too late to have them of course) she has finally locked in her decision to leave me. we had 18 years of relationship bliss and I cant believe she has allowed this to happen to us.

I feel like i was only a potential sperm donor and cant believe our relationship is over because of this and due to her dishonesty.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It seems like you did your best to be open to your wife's desire to have children, and now you're being punished for it. I hope you can work it out and find peace in some way. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm 35 year old with 4 kids of my own my husband n i have been married 5 years we tried ivf a year or so ago n lost the baby he has no child of his own n I'm torn between trying again or letting it go as my children are teenagers already he says the decision is mine he really would love one of his own but if it's not what I want that's fine to. I'm just so worried about another misscarage or having a disabled child and then there's the whole starting over again 18+ years of stress, joy, ups, n downs all over again. Feeling guilty

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, thank you for sharing your story. It's difficult on either side, isn't it? We want to give our loved ones everything, but sometimes it's just too hard. I understand your guilt, but you need to be honest with your husband. It sounds like he'd be okay either way.

Anonymous said...

I am 35 my partner 45 he has 3 kids, we spoke about reversal of his vasectomy, he was all for it and now told me he no longer wants a child. I love him and his kids and my life with him, but I want to have a baby. do I stay or go?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Jan. 27, Nobody can answer that question but you. It sounds like you have a pretty good life together. How strong is your need for a baby? Keep talking. I hope you can work something out.

Anonymous said...

Broken Hearted:
I am 39 year old, divorced highly professional woman. My live in BF is my age and he has a 17 year old daughter. He was very young when his GF got pregnant by stopping birth control and not telling him. He then had another bad situation with another woman. In the end he ended up getting a vasectomy in his 20s! We really love each other but the child issue has reached a peak point of conflict. When we initially got together, I was getting out of a horrible divorce where I gave up the idea of being a mom. I let the dream die because I knew my husband was not the right person. Then I met my BF, got closer and fell madly in love. During our relationship he said he never thought he wanted kids again but with me he saw it as a possibility. We talked about it for months and then he came to the conclusion that he did not want it. It broke my heart last year to hear this and we had a pretty heated argument. Since then he brought it up again lightly and mentioned to a friend months ago. This renewed my dream and I really starting hoping this was on its way to the right path. We are together for almost three years now. Yesterday, he has said he absolutely will not have kids in any form: Not a reversal, not a removal of sperm, AI, not a third party donor and not adoption. He likened it to him not even wanting a pet. He also said getting a vasectomy was the BEST decision he has ever made. When asked how he would hurt me so badly knowing how important family is to me, he said that he loves himself more. Now what? I am madly in love with this man, but I hate the women and his irresponsible actions in youth that caused this situation to begin with. I hate that years later I have to pay the price. It's really unfair. And I hate that he seems to not care about the pain it is causing me. At my age, I feel like there is little hope of "meeting" the right guy to marry, be safe with and have a family. I had a horrific divorce experience and now, the one man that I love more than any other in my life and that I know loves me, will not compromise one inch. Do I give up on the love of my life in the hopes that in exactly two years I will fall madly in love with a new person who has the ability to commit, be a good husband, not cheat, not be drinker, not be a gambler or have any other vice and provide a family and home? Assuming I can even conceive? It is just such a nightmare position with such little hope to be in. Yet, I am afraid if I stay I will resent him especially since he is so doting on his daughter and of course there will be grandchildren eventually. I will not get a donor and be a single mother. I cannot do it and do not have the support system in place to help. I never, ever imagined in a million years I would be in this position at age 39. Divorced, no house, no husband, no family and a in love with a man who will not give me a family. What to do? It just makes me feel like such an utter failure. I really messed up my life despite my enormous professional success. I feel so completely alone and heartbroken. What to do? Either choice has horrible odds...

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh, Broken Hearted, what a pickle. I can see how you felt it was over after your divorce. I felt the same way, too. Forget kids, I was going to be alone forever. And then this great guy comes along, but now he doesn't want children. He's adamant about it. I don't think you can change his mind. I wish I knew which way you should go. You're right that the odds of finding a great guy before you're too old to conceive are not good, although maybe you could adopt. And I don't blame you for not wanting to be a single mother. You just have to figure out which would be worse, staying with your boyfriend or leaving him? I sure hope you can work it out.
Anybody else have advice?

Anonymous said...

Been with my husband for over 10 years, married for just over 6 months. We had an unplanned pregnancy five years ago and mutually decided that sadly the timing & circumstances at that point weren't right for us and opted for a termination. We're not the world's best communicators. At the time I said i did want kids in the future when the circumstances were right and named what I considered those to be. He understood this and seemed to be of the same view, or so I thought, Have raised the issue indirectly and directly over the past year-18 months but he never took me up on it, like I was having a conversation with myself. Now over 35, my biological clock's going off :( Sat down with him earlier in the year and raised the subject saying can we discuss having a family. Conversation went ok, or so I thought! He said he'd not really thought about it (which hurt given he knows what we went through to arrive at decision to terminate years earlier and our conversations) but he wouldn't rule it out, it was just not yet for now but maybe in the next year. Chief reason he gave for this was his job situation might be more secure then, but he acknowldged his job situation (fixed term contracts) has been like this for years, next year is unlikely to be any different in that respect but he could then look for alternative more stable work. (which he's had the chance to do before and right now). He made what I felt were positive-ish comments around the fun we could have trying to conceive. Four weeks later explained to him how 'maybe' in the next year was troubling me, didn't want to pressure him but knowing we both procrastinate terribly, what would he consider an acceptable time frame for him him to think things through so I can have some kind of timeframe and not lie awake most nights thinking he's stalling, next year will come, he'll do the same and the decision will be out of our hands as we get older. This backfired majorly, big row, told having a baby is obviously more important to me than him, he doesn't know if wants baby, will I resent him if he says no! This is the same man who four weeks earlier made jokes about having fun trying, but at some vague timescale 'in the future' when I'm now 36. Again this hurts, am not looking for sympathy, we chose termination but to not give it thought over the years, to not give the idea thought when I've referred to well if and when we have a family, for us to make right in our life the circumstances that made us opt for termination those years ago, but then backtrack. It was in the middle of our row about it but he asked me if I will resent him if he says no. Now I'm scared and bewildered, if feels a betrayal like I've been saying things over the years but he's had no respect for me to even think about what I've been saying, his response to that or come to think of it even having a response until as usual I have to raise the issue. I'm so sad :(

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh shoot, Anonymous, that sucks. I want to shake that guy till he gets some sense. I hope when he asked if you'd resent him, you said, "Yes," that you made it clear it was not fair for him to back off having babies at this point. Keep talking. Try to keep it calm, but don't just let it go.
I'm thinking about a couple friends who waited seven years to get married, which made them too old to have babies, like their mid-40s, so they never did. I'm also thinking today about my first husband, who kept saying no.
I hope you can work it out.

Anonymous said...

My husband is 63 years old and i am only 32. He have two grownup children with previous marriage. I was very ambitious girl and work hard for my career until 2013. When he moved to other country for his job, i have to follow him to keep our marriage.He loved me so much but he don't want a child with me because he worry about his age.
For me, I want a child with him. We are having great relationship ever but i can't stop thinking about having child. No work for me in this new country so i feel i need a child to be with me. I love him so much as well. I don't want to regret one day for not having my own child. Should i have baby with him ? I want his baby because i love him very much. Now i am trapped with this situation. Please suggest me ..

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I wish I had the answer for you. When you marry someone who is so much older, there is a chance he won't want to have babies. Is there some other way you can bring children into your life? I hope you can find peace with this.

Tameeka Hutchins said...

When I was 26 years old I met my husband, he's a great guy. He told me he didn't want any kids, at 26 I dint want Kodak. After we got married I started to think more but my husband was adamant about not having. We went to counseling bc overall he's the perfect man except him not wanting kids. I tried to cope and I be good for a little then the feeling come back. My husband oldest just had a baby. A part of me is happy and another part of me is hurt and jealous. I never seen the baby bc his oldest doesn't care for me bc of my age. It's been 5 years almost and still nothing. I guess I have to move on bc I see myself being angry with him. Lesson Learned

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Tameeka,
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I hope you can find happiness elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

I am 38 & my husband is 49. We have been together for 10 year (married for 4 years). When we met we just clicked like we were made for each other and have always been happy. He has 3 children from previous marriage which have always been part of our life. We did sort of talk about kids when we got together & he always said never say never, at that point after myself having a bad previous divorce, new relationship wasn't thinking of kids at the time. We had other said would never get married, but he started dropping hints that he wanted to get married but when mentioned he would say "why can't you ask me". Over the few years leading up to this I had mentioned having kids & would give mixed responses like never say never or didn't want them. As he was dropping hints about marriage I decided to take the plung & asked him to marry me & told him I wanted a family. We sat down & talked as I was off work due to medical issue he suggested getting married & waiting til back at work so would get maternity pay, which I agreed. A couple years of marriage & wasn't able to get back to work, so sat down & asked could we start a family as not going to get back to work & his point blank reply was no! I was shocked at this & at that moment I thought maybe it wasn't the right time as dog we had was bit boisterous for a baby & old, would approach the subject when she went. We spent the next couple of year enjoying our relationship but when people asked if we had kids I would always say, no one wants them with me, he would never comment. Anyway, this went on not really much thought from either of us as a serious issue. Then end of March dog had a big operation so March & April spent most of my time to & from vets, which all went well only then to discover in June that she had aggressive tuma & they could do anything for her other an make sure she was comfortable. By July felt emotionally drained & felt like I had something in my stomach, due to tablets take thought I had a tuma so went doctors to discover was pregnant (was on mini pill so not having periods was normal) she said around 12 weeks. While waiting for scan we did talk & soon became apparent he wasn't happy. When I asked if doing this together he said no would leave me if had the baby & wanted me to terminate. By the end July I still thought they had got it wrong but I started having movements & first scan was due August, he had agreed to come with me & was hoping he would change is mind. Midwife said needed to be seen so took myself off to hospital & the first time I got to see my baby was to be told there was no heart breat, a few days later I delivered a baby girl at 18 weeks gestation born asleep. We named her & attended her little funeral. Since then we have carried on with me crying & he not happy with me crying. Life became busy as dog need extra vet visits & sadly January we had her put to sleep. I have said I want to try for a baby as its all I can think of after what I went through, but he has said I have to choose him a leave to have a baby. I do love him very much & want to grow old together but also want a family with him. How do I choose & work out want i want the most. Sorry for all the waffle!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Anonymous May 8, what a tough time you have had. It sounds like your guy is not going to budge on this subject. He doesn't want to have a baby with you. So you do have to choose, stay with him with no baby or try to find someone else. You're the only one who can make that decision. I pray you find the answer.

Anonymous said...

I am 28 and my partner is 41. We have been together for almost 2 years. He has 2 children (8&10) from a previous marriage. I am lucky in that they are wonderful children, and both their father and mother support my relationship with them.
I have always wanted children. I made this clear when I met my partner, and at the beginning he said he was ok with having more children, although he has had a vasectomy, so we would have to go through a reversal. However, 8ish months in, he came to me and told me he no longer wanted children. We split up briefly, but he changed his mind and said (again) that he would be open to the idea. We continued moving forward over the last year or so with the idea that we would have a child together.
Now he has come to me to say that he, again, does not want children, and that this time it is a permanent decision.
I am heart broken. I don't know what to do. I love my partner deeply and value our relationship. I am happy and fulfilled in a way I have never felt in any other relationship I have had. I love his children and the family we have created together over the last year.
I have been going back and forth over the last week since all this came out... should I leave and pursue another relationship and have children in that new relationship, even though I don't want to be with anyone else? Can I live with giving up children? Will the amazing step-children I will have be fulfilling enough for me? I'm not sure. On the one hand, there are many things I like about the idea of not having children. I feel that I would still be able to be happy and feel fulfilled through other areas of my life, and I strongly believe that I will form an amazing stepparent/stepchild bond with my partner's children. I also feel that some of my urge to have children stems from the way I was raised- believing that a large part of the purpose of being a woman was to have children, and that this is the most fulfilling thing you can do as a woman - which I don't agree with at this time in my life. However, there is still that desire, and a strong desire at that, to have children and experience pregnancy and the early years.
It's hard to give up something amazing, fulfilling, and wonderful that I have now for a future baby that I may end up never having.
Simply put, I'm conflicted.

Anonymous said...

I married a man with two children from a previous marriage. I have taken on the role of being a great step mom as though my life (and theirs) depended on it. I had never been interested in the thought of having my own, so when he said he didn't want more and had had a vesectomy I was happy to jump on board. Having stuck to my guns about not wanting to birth my own children, a friend (who was on the same page and in the SAME situation) posted a sonogram of her news. I was devistated! I still can't figure out why exactly. But the urge had never been stronger, I was so emotionally affected by the announcement that it was obvious to my husband. Talking about pregnancy is a VERY sore subject in my home as he feels that strongly about NOT having more.

I feel heartbroken and so alone. Will this feeling go away? Or will resentment grow?
He will never know the longing for his own, because he already has his own.

Please help :(

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, May 22, I am sorry for your pain. It's hard, but remember that you were okay before with not having kids. In time you will probably be able to accept it again. I hope you find peace.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm 31 and can't have children. My husband of 5 years has a 16 year old son and does not want anymore children. I'm now at a stage where I am considering leaving him so I can adopt. Our relationship isn't stable enough to adopt together and I don't believe he wants to anyway.

Has anyone else been in this situation?
I need some advice desperately.

Anonymous said...

Just finished reading all the comments.
My situation is that I'm nearly 53 and my husband is 37. We've been together for 10 years and married for 8.

When we first met, I told him I was unable to have any more children as my tubes are tied.

He said he was fine with that and that he didn't want any children.

Now a few weeks ago, he has dropped the bomb on me saying he would like to have children and sat there and told me a timeline. He said he'd be finished with college next year and get a good paying job and he'd be ready at age 40. Ummm really?

So is he telling me he has been using me for a decade as I moved to another country to be with him and left MY family behind as in grown kids and grandkids, helped him get through college and now he is planning to dump me off for someone younger?

Then he tells me it is probably just a phase and he'll get over it as he really doubts he could meet anyone else.

Guess what? Does he really think I'm just going to sit around and put up with this?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh boy. Anon age 31, is this the first time you've expressed a desire to adopt or was this part of your plan from the beginning? Is the relationship so shaky that you might not stay even if the baby thing weren't an issue? If so, go forth and adopt. Otherwise, keep talking.

Anon age 53, say what? Does your husband not understand that you're too old to have babies even if your tubes weren't tied and that's what happens when you marry an older woman? How can he hurt you like that with this timeline business? I don't even know him and I'm mad at him. So now the question is: can your relationship last through this or has he already damaged it irreparably? I pray you find a solution.

Anonymous said...

I am remarried, I have two wonderful children from my first marriage.They are 21, and 24.My husband now has two children, ages 13, and 11.I had a tubal after my daughter. I feel blessed but very depressed often because I haven't been able to give us a child. I see everyone around us with a child together.And I feel insecure alot, weird without us having a child.And I'm a little older than him, he says it doesn't matter, and he doesn't need a child. His are actually in another country with their mom.He tries to keep in touch, I feel bad for that too, but he came here to better. I don't know if Ill ever feel completely right. I just needed to post this, and don't know if anyone has their comments about this. Thank you, Lynn

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Thanks for sharing this, Lynn. Many readers would say you are already quite blessed with four children between you, but we feel what we feel, right? I hope you can work it out.

Kollapse said...

These stories are terrifying. I am 37 and do not and have never wanted kids, but am currently with a guy who is 29 and 100% on the fence. Due to medical issues resulting an an ablation/tubal, i couldn't have kids even if I wanted, but he is firmly in 'I have no idea if some day i will want kids' land. I have no idea what to do - wait it out and see if one day the axe drops and we split, or let him walk away now so that he doesn't waste his time with me . The desire not to have kids has thrown a wrench in every potential relationship I've ever had.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Kollapse (cool name!), I sympathize. It always comes down to the same thing. Can you both be happy together without kids? If not, somebody has to leave. It's brutal, but true. I hope you can find a way to work it out.

Anonymous said...

I am 41 in 3 months, my partner is 46, we have been together for 11 years. He is a good man, and a good person and we are each others best friend. The only real issue we have ever had is the issue of children. About a year and a half in to the relationship he started to make noises about not really being bothered about having kids - but he never said he didn't want them, so I imagined it was something that would pass, I made it clear I really wanted children. Then, maybe a year later again, he started to say he did not want kids at all, and that was the state of play for about 7 years. Every now and then it would come up and escalate into an argument, often ending with me threatening to walk if things didn't change. I watched friends and family have kids, and they would advised me to finish it if we didn't want the same things, that I was wasting time. but I could never do it - not when everything else was right. Two years ago, I started to investigate options for single mums, donner sperm, adoption, not wanting to leave him but wanting to find a solution, but when it came down to it, I couldn't leave my best friend. So, we bought a puppy!! We both love that dog to distraction. Then one Sunday morning a little over a year ago, while sitting in bed (our habit is to watch TV and drink tea while sitting in bed with the dog) my partner asked me how I felt about not having children, I told him I thought about it every day, it is the first thing in my head when I wake, last thing before I sleep, I think about it while I watch the kettle boil, that I am terrified of growing old and having no family around me, and worse I was worried I would grow to hate him one day. His response floored me. "Let's try for a baby". He went on to describe how he wanted me to be happy, that the dog (while we know it is very different to having a child) had helped to address his fear of change and responsibility. I was over the moon, we started project make a baby. It was very exciting and I felt we grow even closer. But 6 months in and no pregnancy, so we went to GP who, because of my age referred us to clinic. After all sorts of efforts to help we were still having no luck. All tests indicated there was no problems as such so we would not be given IVF on nhs. So Last month we paid for Ivf. It failed. We are both gutted, we had really thought it had worked, all the signs were good. Worst still, we had our follow up appointment this week and have been told that My egg quality starts to deteriorate once they are implanted (consistent with age related issues) and we are unlikely to ever succeed unless we use donner eggs. He is disapointed but I am deversated. My little sister has offered to be a donner and my partner says he thinks it a great idea as she and I look alike, but I can not shake the feeling of loss of my own eggs, and also the niggling voice that wants to scream WHY COULD WE NOT HAVE TRIED SOONER?. We are both hurting now, and yes we have each other, and my sister is an amazing person to make the offer she has and I am beyond lucky to have her offer, but it is not what I want really. We have our dog who has been a great comfort, but I am not functioning properly. I can't think straight, If I loose my job I would not be surprised and nothing seems to have any point any more. We are both suffering now, and I know that it is still too raw and in time it will get better, easier, but right now I can't shake the thought that this is all his fault but I know I have to take some responsibility too. It really hurts.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Shoot, Anonymous, that's terrible. Why do guys have no clue that we can't wait forever, that our eggs only last so long? It drives me nuts to hear stories like this. You are far from the only one. I have some friends who waited seven years to get married and start trying. Did the whole IVF thing, too. No babies. Too late. He wasted her fertile years. I'm so glad you have each other and are happy in every other way. That's important. At least you can hang on to each other. But it's still a loss, and everybody here feels your pain. I pray you find peace in time.

Anonymous said...

I have 2 girls with my first marriage and my husband has 2 sons with his first marriage. He had a vasectomy 7 years ago. It was a decision he had made with his ex wife. We have contemplated vasectomy reversal and talked numerous times. Friends of ours just adopted a newborn through a private agency. After meeting the little one he came home and was super excited to share the news and asked if we could adopt. I stated that I would love to have his child/our child. Now hes saying hes too old (44) and he doesnt want to go through the surgery. I told him we could get a sperm donor...no comment. I am soo hurt. I told him its like holding a brand new boat just with in your reach that you've been wanting and then being told its not for sale.

Anonymous said...

Hello Group ,

I am so glad I found this blog. I thought I was the only one going though this. I am 40 years old with PCOS. I was married for 12 years and was unable to become pregnant my the husband who really wanted his own and after years of trying and failing he ended the marriage. He is now married with two children. I mourned the thought I would never have my own children.Grew jealous of my peers who had kids or became pregnant. I tried everything to come to terms with this. Years has past Now to the present I have found an amazing new husband (41) who has two children (11) and (8)from a previous marriage. I love the kids and try my best to be the best step mother to them. yet the correction of the word step mother and (My kids) hurt. I still had to the chance to be apart of the parenting and developing which I though never to have. when we decided to get married We spoke of children since I couldn't have them. He was completely fine with since he had a vasectomy before his 1st marriage was over. we married in December of last year. I have recently gone to my doctor and was told with new medications research I could have the chance to have a baby of my own but my window is small. I was so excited I might have a chance. I spoke to my husband and he flat out told me hell no! I was crushed that he didn't even think about it. We have spoke on it a few times and he gets very angry stating I am changing the rules we agreed on. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't an option to me and now it is that I love him so much and to have this child with him is a dream come true. It might not work but I at least I would know we tried. He is firm he decided years ago he was done with making babies and will not thing about anything he has his kids and he knows he's being selfish but that's the way it is. Even went as far as saying if I wanted to try so bad go to a sperm bank and have a baby that way. I am lost for words..... there are no words to express how I feel inside. I sit here listening to stories when "his" kids where babies and how this was cute and how adorable they were or funny times. How is ex-wife was when she was pregnant things she craved and whatnots that the girls bring up. I am growing resentful towards him and pulling away. I don't want to lose my marriage but can I really not try and wonder for the rest of my life what if? I'm so lost.

lost in the D

Anonymous said...

Hello,
Got a 45 year old husband who had 4 kids and a vasectomy with previous wife.
I feel like I can't forgive at all and will hate him, but I feel like I am missing out because he is truely the perfect husband... I am so scared.
I spoke to him tonight, and he was ready to give in, but I felt like this was forced, like he was doing it so I would shut my pie hole. I ruined it, I felt like if I let him do that, he would hate me. And now I cannot forgive myself. I would give anything to be a mother, in 2 weeks my son would be 7 years old. (Previous relationship, he was premature and died two days after birth of pulmonary embolism) this kills me. I can't even look at pregnant women anymore. I envy them.
Like you, Lost in the D, I keep hearing stories about how his ex wife was pregnant, and stories about his babies. I am growing resentful. I have no idea what to do.

X.

Jenny said...

Hi, I have posted on this blog before.

Thank you, Sue, for writing about your experience and allowing other women in the same boat to share their stories.

So, I'm 33, my fiance is 63. He has a 19-year-old from a previous marriage (he's divorced and then widowed). When we first fell in love two years ago, neither of us expected it to last, but then I found myself feeling that I would want to have a baby with him. It was the first time I had felt that with a partner.

During the first year, we didn't speak too seriously about having a child together, but then the urge grew as I matured and I started to hear my clock tick louder. My fiance said no to a child.

I was having a really tough time dealing that and with his son who was going off to university. His son and I get along OK, but I still felt resentment towards him, even though it's not his fault (obviously) that he exists.

There was an incident where he had a graduation dinner with his son and wanted me to be there. And so on the advice of my therapist, I wanted to show I would be there for him. But then he brought out this picture he had taken when his son was a baby, his son's little finger wrapped around his finger with the wedding band in the frame.
That killed me.

And he still can't understand why that affects me so much. At the time, it was like, "That will never be me. That will never be us."
I tried to talk about it some more with him after that dinner and on a walk, he shouted at me, "NO! I just went through this. I'm not doing it again."
It broke my heart.

There was a point where he changed his mind. But then I start changing mine as well. How older fathers have mutating sperm, the chances of autism and Down Syndrome can go up, early widowhood and a single child left without a father, all of it.

We spent the next year trying to figure out what we should do. Being in limbo about it was hell.

And then at the end of the year, I decided to "choose love" - choose the man I love so much and hope for the best. That was when I told him the news and he said, "Uhhh...no. Let's go back to the drawing board."

That drawing board option -- Option C -- ended up being a polyamorous relationship with my now-boyfriend, who is the same age as me. So my fiance will not live with me, we won't get legally married, but have a commitment ceremony and he will help take care of us financially. And then my other partner and I will raise a family together.

So, I will get to be a parent after all. And I do love my boyfriend, but we have not bonded the way my fiance and I have.

But it still cuts like a knife to have the love of your life turn you down, even if the reasons are logical. What is really fucking me up is he sometimes says, "I want get you pregnant" and "Let's pretend it's ours."
NO. You had your chance and said no.
It messes with my head and my heart.

Or he'll give advice on parenting or suggest things such my child attend the same camp as his son went to as a kid.

I know it comes from a paternal place he now feels, but sorry, it's too late.
I know I need to forgive him to get us to a peaceful place in the future. Having him in my life as a "husband" is more important than holding this grudge and letting it wreck us.

But some days it's so hard. How do you forgive something that cuts so deep?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Hi Jenny, I don't know. So now your fiance is willing to have a baby with you, but you've already got this other relationship going for parenthood and still keeping your fiance for love? Good luck explaining all this to your family--or the IRS. How do you forgive them? I don't know. Maybe there's nothing to forgive. You're both just being human and acting your ages. Tell yourself he's doing the best he can, and then let it go. I wish you all the best.

Jenny said...

Hi Sue,
No, he was at a certain point within the past year, but no, he is not anymore.
And I am not with him after all that he's put me through.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Good. I'm glad.

Anonymous said...

I am in my twenties...he has 12 years on me. He already has three kids with two different women. I am his second wife and I so yearn for kids. I'm scared. I'm still young but I cant imagine a life without him. I love his kids but its not the same. His oldest is 14 and for our engagement party he wrote down for us not to have kids and my husband is hiding behind him saying " I cant just think about what we want, I have to put the kids input in there too.." Only one child doesnt want a younger sibling...I understand to an extent...just trying to find patience or calming words.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Your husband needs to consider his kids' feelings, sure, but kids don't get to dictate their parents' lives. This is a decision for only you and your husband to make. I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

Its just so frustrating. I've always wanted a big family and I'm willing to settle just for one child. I dont know what to say to him...

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, just tell him how you feel. If he really loves you, he will listen.

Anonymous said...

Right...but I've ran out of words. I dont know what to say anymore or how to get my point across.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Then I guess all you can do is hope he heard you. Take it one day at a time. Don't give up.

Anonymous said...

I have a slightly different situation. My husband and I have been married for a,most 7 years. He and I both wanted children, and our first came as a surprise, but was welcomed. Then I was not on any protection for about a year. Well, I conceived again, and was very disappointed to learn it was a molar pregnancy, and therefore not viable. While in the hospital my husband confessed his concern for me as well as stating that we would try again. In the meantime, I was put on BC. However, when I neared the end of the time when I could try again, my husband had changed his mind. He did not want a second child, at all! I was unable to accept this, and constantly cried over other people getting pregnant, and so on and so forth. When I told my husband I wanted to stop BC and try again, his response was a simple, whatever. Two months later I was pregnant! He was horrible the entire pregnancy, and did very little to help with the new baby. Now, three years later, he loves his second son...but he will not forgive me for being selfish and not listening to his needs and wants about a second child. Our marriage is barely surviving, he feels he gets to be selfish now, and even though I have done almost anything to make him happy, he is not content. Please help! Prayer seems to fall on deaf ears, and counseling is not an option!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Aug. 18, the future of your marriage doesn't look good. "Whatever" is not what you say when someone you love asks to have a baby, and you don't resent the mother and new baby if you love them. I hope you can figure this out. I'm sorry it's happening to you.

Anonymous said...

I spoke with my husband last night for a few minutes and asked him what he wanted. He said he was unsure if he wanted another kid(as he already has three see previous post) he said his reasonings for not wanting another were being old(he's only going to be 38 this year) and diapers but his reasoning for wanting one is that then we would have a child together and have a special connection.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Well, he's not old and diapers don't last forever, so let's go with having a child together. :-) I hope you can work it out.

Anonymous said...

I asked him to really think about it- he responded by asking me if his decision would make me think differently of him or would affect our marriage and that he needed to know now. My heart just sank. Send me patience if you will

Anonymous said...

I understand exactly what you are all going through and it feels awful. My ex partner got a vasectomy while we were waiting for IVF. He changed his mind about having a baby because he felt he was too old (50), wanted to travelling and already had an adult son. I went ahead with IVF (using a donor) and after 3 attempt I now have a beautiful son. Sadly I had to lose my partner but what I gained is immesurable!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, Aug. 22, congratulations on your son. I can't believe your partner got a vasectomy in the middle of IVF. He deserves to be your ex.

Anonymous said...

Wow, my stomach feels sick after reading the blog post and all the heart wrenching comments that follow.

I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 7. I moved to another country to be with him. My children are grown and I have grandkids. I haven't seen them for 4 years as it is so expensive to fly back and my health wasn't the greatest.

So here I am 53 and my husband turned 35. I told him from day one I couldn't have anymore kids as my tubes are tied. He swore that he never wanted any. I did say several times that if he wanted one I would try IVF with donor eggs but he said he didn't want to.

You can guess what I'm going to say next.

Shortly after his 35th birthday he starts being cold and distant towards me and he admitted that he wanted children. I was blinded sided and I said we could adopt or get a surrogate if he wanted but he said no. He said I was too old.

We've had several arguments about it and he has turned nasty and resentful towards me throwing up that he will never have kids in my face several times a week. He moved out of the bedroom and our marriage isn't the same.

I feel angry and betrayed over the way he is treating me. I have to walk around on eggshells and can't even mention my kids anymore without triggering mean comments to me.

He says he feels trapped. He can leave anytime he wants. I feel I have to apologize for my age now. If he is going to continue being resentful and hateful towards me, I won't stick around.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Anonymous Aug. 28, I'm sorry. He knew your age when you got together. He knew there wouldn't be children. Now he has to live with his choice, even if he has changed his mind. It sounds like the marriage might not last. It's so not fair to you. I hope things work out for you.

Tony Morrow said...

I got married very late in life, 42 and my wife, or soon to be ex was 45. She
had two boys from her first marriage. We agreed at the time that we wouldn't have kids because it's hard for women over 4o to have healthy kids. I was quite heavy (360 lbs) and wasn't as attractive as I was in my younger years. Then I was ok with
not having my own kids. Some years later, I had weight loss surgery and lost 150 lbs. We lost a grandbaby five years ago and my wife went into a tailspin. My youngest stepson and his wife had two boys and while I care for them, I don't love them like my own. I've tried and I can't. I resent being around them and knowing that none of my DNA is in them. This may sound ugly, so be it. They are my feelings and I don't apologize for them. I'm 63 and my wife is 66. She's let herself go and I'm in the gym EVERYDAY ! I've met someone many years younger whom I've fallen in love with and who can and will give me children. My own DNA, my sperm produced children. I know many people may hate me for this. Again, so be it. But what am I supposed to do. Stay married to my soon to be ex and resent that I never had my own kids ? Or do what my heart and soul are telling me to do ?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Tony, I think you already know what you're going to do. It's going to be hard, but you still have time to follow your dream of having your own children. You have every right to feel however you feel, and it sounds like you're tried to make it work. You are not a bad person for wanting your won kids. I caution you against feeling superior to your wife now that you've lost weight and work out all the time. Try to remember how hard it was when you were heavier. I guess the question is: do you have enough love left for your wife to stick with her or is it time to go? I wish you all the best.

EsTee said...

My husband and I are unable to have a child together because he had a vasectomy performed when he was with his ex wife because he didn't want anymore children with her. They do have two children together. Ages 11 and 9. I too have 2 children from a previous relationship ages, 8 and 5. Now that we are married, I would love for us to be able to raise a child together 50% the both of us, but it's not going to happen. He mentions how we are free to date now and do other things together now that my youngest daughter is 5 years old, but I really want a baby with him. We could still make time for each other like we usually do. It really hurts, and sometimes I cry or find myself agreeing with the whole "we have freedom now" just to make myself feel better. I was willing to pay for the reversal, but he's just not having it. I love my husband, and we have 2 children with other people outside of our marriage. What's the harm in sharing one together.

Tony Morrow said...

Sue,
Thank you for not condemning me for my views. I don't feel superior over my wife because I work out a lot . Frankly, she criticizes me all the time. I can't make her happy regardless of what I do or don't do. Giving up having my own kids was huge. What I really want is the firsts that I didn't have when I was younger. So I may burn in hell for following my heart and desires. Again, so be it.

Tony Morrow said...

The resentment will grow. One day it will escalate into a huge meltdown and many feelings will be hurt. Sue is right, when one person wants kids
and the other one doesn't, one of you will leave . Or live in resentment forever. Not good !

Anonymous said...

I'm struggling with this to the point I'm not sleeping and just plain ol cranky.
I'm 40 with 4 kids... Remarried to the greatest man whose 53 and wants a child. He has a daughter from when he was younger but was not really apart of life after few years, not to his doings.
We did have a miscarriage which was devastating to me and quite open or more like hard to hide my emotions of it all.
A few months after that I lost my mom. 2 weeks after that I was in a rollover car accident, blessed we were all 'ok' in the vehicle. ( myself, my dad and 2 of my children) I have the lasting effects of PTSD and crooked neck vertebrae for the past year. My husband works away from home and was not home for any of those events. The past 17 years I've parented. 9 of those I was on my own. I'm having huge anxiety about starting over again ( my youngest is 6) and being left to do it all on my own again. On top of that, our ages. We've met sort of later in life... I feel sort of selfish wanting us time.
I'm scared of resentment if I don't. I'm scared of pregnancy with my ptsd and carrying after accident for my neck... I do not know what to do.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Sept. 4,I really think you need to tell him you're sorry, but you can't deal with any more children. You've done enough. If he loves you, he'll have to accept that you got your start together too late for more babies.

Tony Morrow said...

Sue,

Thank you very much for allowing me to join this board. I didn't realize that
so many people feel like I do about not having their own children. It's far more
prevalent than I thought. The resentment, I believe was always underneath the surface and for whatever reason, I've been able to ignore it. Whenever my youngest stepson and his wife had their two boys, it came to the surface. My soon to be ex is always telling me what my step grandsons are doing. I listen politely, although it damn near kills me. They aren't mine, never have been and never will be. Frankly I don't care what's going on with them and I never will. I do care for them, but I don't have the unconditional love for them that a bio parent would.
I always swore I'd never a woman with kids. I dated single mothers and it never ended well. I was fat, out of shape and was unattractive so I settled for a lot less than I should have in a wife. I know this sounds shallow, if it does tough. Looks do matter and yes most people are that shallow. I didn't think I was worthy of a pretty young woman who could give me kids. I realize getting fat was my fault. But, I should have left my wife years ago when these childless resentments surfaced. I can NEVER forgive her for not giving me kids, even though we agreed not to have any. She gave some drunk ass loser the pretty young, childless years. I got the fat, old ugly used up years and I resent it. Therefore, I'm leaving her for a very pretty Colombian girl and I will have what I missed when I was younger.
I know many of you won't like this, and I expect some snarky comments. But when you feel like an intruder or an outsider around step grandchildren, it's time to pull the plug and move on. Take it from me, if you don't the resentment will get worse to the point that you will always be angry. Bad juju ! I'm not wrong.

surpermonkey said...

Here is my dilemma: I am a divorced, mother of 2 daughters and 39 years young. Five years ago due to health reasons, I had to have a total hysterectomy. At the time of that surgery I was married and knew that my marriage was rocky. At this time I am head over heels in love with the man that I feel such a huge connection with. And the feeling is mutual. He is 40 and has never been married nor does he have any children. He wants them but has said that he has not found that person to give him that wonderful gift. Until he met me. He said that he sees his future with me and wants to be with me and my girls but what is stopping him from being fully committed to me is the fact that I can not have any more children. He says that he has to decide--get married to me, to the love of his life and his soul mate and give up the dream of having children of his own or break things off with me and hope he can find someone that can give him children. So that he can experience that kind of love that a father and child has. I am afraid that if he chooses our love then will he end up resenting me in the future? Will I always have this cloud over me that I can not give the one man that I love the very thing that he wants most in this world? Do I break it off with him and make this decision for him--so that he can try to find someone that can give him that? He says that by staying with me, I am changing him and his way of life or the way he had envisioned his life. My girls love him and he says he loves my girls. He is so afraid that I am going to break things off with him because of this. But how long can I continue like this? We are so happy when we are together but then I remember that if we stay together he will never have a child of his own. Any one have any advice?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Surpermonkey, what a pickle. Have you discussed the possibility of adoption or using a surrogate? If he really wants this, there has to be an alternative to splitting up. I hope you can find it together.

Tony Morrow said...

Supermonkey,

I'd say you have a situation on your hands. Here's my take. I got married very
late in life. I was 42 and my wife was 45. She had two boys in her first marriage
and we decided not to have any kids. I was fine with it then, I'm not now. This maybe painful to hear, but you opened that door. If he feels strongly about having his own child and you can't, do him a favor, pull the plug and set him free. I can
assure you that he will resent you and your kids. That's where I am right now and I'm 63. Men are very funny about this. I can forsee a HUGE meltdown and argument coming and feelings will be hurt. I wouldn't adopt or settle for a surrogate.
If I ever had kids the MUST be my own DNA and sperm produced kids. Anything else is
settling for less than I deserve. My advice, hold your strength, cut set him free and get on with your life. As he feels now, nothing good can come from this.

Little Lynn said...

I'm going thru this now. I'm 34, husband is 42. We have been married going on 3 years now... He has 2 children with 2 different ex wives. We have full custody of the 11yr old girl, and 40/60 split with the 8 year old boy... I came into this marriage knowing my husband had a vasectomy after his son, but before we were married i put it out there how important it was to me to be a mother someday. He had told me if he was ever happily married again that he would consider having it reversed and having another child. Well, here we are 3 years later and still nothing and he says he doesnt want another kid.
I take care of his kids and everything here that he built with everyone else, but don't get to have my own. I pretty much am to the point where I just feel like a replacement part to do all the stuff the other mothers walked out on here... This has been a huge argument for us for at least 2.5 years now. It's to the point I have a really nasty anger inside towards him. I'm starting to feel resentment towards his kids and all I have to do to care for them. I'm feeling like I gave up my life, home, job, friends & freedom to come here and not get to live my dream, but instead play the part of his dream the ex walked out on. I'm just the maid, cook and kid taxi... I am going to a counselor now to try and figure it all out, the whole situation has made me crazy. We are also dealing with intamacy issues , he doesn't understand why I don't want to be intimate. To me it feels like another thing im being used for and ill never get my baby out if it, so whats the point. I'll always be the addition to this famiky, not an actual part.... I had never even thought about the grandparent thing that was mentioned above. That was an eye opener. So basically even if we do make it through all this, I will have these same feelings again when his kids start having kids.
I'm going to end up resenting and hating the man I love for the rest of my life. This is no way for either of us to have to live... I swear I am literally going crazy here. It's either give up the best man I've probably ever known, or give up a dream I've had since I was a little girl. How does a person even make that decision??? Either way you get you freaking heart ripped to shreads..

I'm sorry if this post is long and crazy. Things are not good for me right now, i was actually searching the net for situations like mine when I found this page.

Tony Morrow said...

Little Lynn,

While I'm certainly no expert in these matters, I do have experience. My honest
opinion is leave now before someone gets physically hurt. Your feelings of resentment are valid and justified. I too know what it's like to give up the
dream of having my own I assure you that the resentment will get exponentially
worse whenever he becomes a grandfather. If it were me I'd issue an ultimatum
to get his vasectomy reversed, have your own kid or very brutally divorce him, find someone young enough to give you children and get own with your life. Frankly, I
see your marriage on the rocks and you deserve better. I don't care what people
say, stepparents cannot love someone else's kids like their own. I never have and I never will. Leave him now before it gets worse.believe

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Little Lynn,
I agree with Tony. This much anger and resentment this early on is not healthy. Time to bail out.

Little Lynn said...

I agree. Just a really hard pill to swallow. He has to sense how distant I am lately.

surpermonkey said...

Thank you. I am not sure what we are going to do. He would rather not adopt and we have discussed a surrogate. We know that there are other options out there but they are so costly. Obviously we have a lot more to discuss on this subject. I appreciate your advice.

Tony Morrow said...

Supermonkey,

You have to do what's right for you. People cannot say I'm too
selfish, I've always known my strengths and weaknesses. I just
know that I'm in a very dark place right now because I wasn't selfish enough
to make myself happy. Little Lynn, I have found a beautiful, young (20) Colombian
woman whom I've fallen very deeply for. There an enormous age gap, but it
can work. I suppose you could say that I am having a mid-life crisis. But
I don't think I would had I married younger and had my own kids. Some people
can handle being a stepparent, some can't. Frankly when my youngest stepson
and his wife had their two boys, that's when the anger and resentment came to the
surface. I know what I must do, but it's hard to walk away from 20 years. But as far as having kids, I'll never have a beautiful young wife if I don't marry this Colombian girl and I won't have my own kids. Sue is right, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't, one of you will leave. Life is way too short to settle for second best or be unhappy.

Anonymous said...

Hi I am 30 and in a loving relationship with a man I have been waiting for, for so long. He is a 40 year old widower with 2 children. We have been living together for more than a year and me and the boys have a wonderful relationship. In the beginning he was OK with having a child a again. About 6 months ago he sat met down and told me he is sorry he just does not want more children he thought he would be OK but realises now that that is not the case. He has a lot of valid reasons I do understand his points. He says what if I also die and he is alone again with babies and that it is a lot of money and that he is so happy with the way we are. He has apologised so many times. I am just struggling so much with giving up on ever being a mother and experiencing the joy of having children. He got a vasectomy just after discussing not having children with me so I have to believe now that he was really serious. I have been through so many bad relationship he is really everything I ever dreamed off I have truly never been treated beter or loved more. I think me not being able to let go is starting to take its toll on us. I do not know what to do. Will I ever be at peace?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Anonymous. Did he not consult you at all before he had the vasectomy? That hurts. I wish I knew what to tell you. I guess you have to whether if he's the guy for you and if so, accept him as he is.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Everyone, please take this discussion to the new blog site so everyone can read your comments. I have included a few in this week's blog. Find it at http://childlessbymarriageblog.com/2015/10/14/shes-infertile-he-wants-kids/

Anonymous said...

I completely understand where you are coming from...my husband had a vasectomy when we met he then had it reversed when we married but it didn't take and so now 8 years later is still not willing to go to a dr or talk other options...his daughter had her baby last week and although I love being a huge part of his life it is different when there is no blood connection and you still want your own...

Milly said...

So many heartbreaking stories here...and I'm one of them. I'm 31 years old and I've been married to my husband for almost 4 years. Before we got married, we talked about children...he has a now 6-year old boy from a previous relationship. He said he didn't want kids, but because I so desperately did, he'd compromise and have just one. I've spent most of our marriage alone, as he worked long hours and a strange shift. I've done my very best to be a great stepmother to his son on the weekendo we get him. About a year ago he started emotionally distancing himself from me and now declared that he wants a divorce because he's decided that he doesn't want any children.I'm heart broken and hurting, and I really don't know how to start over.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Milly. Clearly you both need to talk about this some more. Is not wanting children the real reason he he wants a divorce? Or are there other reasons? If the marriage is over, it's over, and there's nothing to do but go through the pain, but make sure you have discussed it thoroughly before he just bails out. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Anonymous said...

I'm 34 years old, and I've been in my relationship with my partner for 18 years. He always knew I wanted children and he always said no. So I let the years go by dealt with abuse and his on and off substance abuse because of my church, in hopes that maybe he would change and stop and have a family with me. Finally I gave him a last chance and then he agreed to have children, but for some reason I was not getting pregnant, I got my self checked out and I was fine, then when it was time for him to check himself out their was excuses and more excuses, and he never went or when I was ovulating he would use drugs so he would pass out or he would start a fight and we would not have intercourse. Now I was diagnose with kidney disease and I have a very short window to get pregnant and he finds every excuse not to et checked out. I have to much resentment for everything, having to dealt with his pass abuse, and he wasting my time for so many years. He tells me that it does not matter that we have each other, but I was miserable for so many year and forgave him for abuse, That I feel I cant forgive him for damaging his own body that now he cant have kids. I had warned him about the effect but he did not listen, and now he is asking me to just forget about kids that we have each other. but the reason I don't have kids is because of his years of selfishness not mine I sacrifice so much for the relationship. I stayed with him because of my church I love him and wish him the best but I can't forgive all the pain and being the only on in my family not to have a family of my own because of him.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous,can you hold your partner still while I punch him. I don't usually tell people this, but I think you need to end it with this guy. Nobody needs to stick around to be abused. If you found somebody else, you might still be able to have children or at least be happier. I pray you can find your way out of this.

Tony Morrow said...

Sue is right. You need to get out of there. You don't need
a self destructive druggie in your life. Been there and it's horrible.
If you don't leave him the resentment and anger will only get worse.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue

What I am going through could almost be a copy & paste from the other comments above. I am 33, the love of my life is 53. We have been together for 14yrs. He has two children from his two previous marriages. When we met our relationship was very spontaneous, fun and not one that was not supposed to last. I was fully aware that he had a vasectomy and he was very clear that he did not want any more children as he did want to be one of guys who had three children with three separate children. At the time I completely understood. Fast forward 13 years and we are still together. We have bought a home and created a wonderful life together. About a year ago his 15yr daughter moved in with us. She slotted into our lives with no hassle and it felt like she was meant to be there.
Having her around, kicked started my biological clock into hyper drive and I wanted a baby with the love of my life, to share the same strong connection that he and his daughter have.
I broached the subject of having a baby and even though he was apprehensive he agreed to go an appointment to asses the possibility of a having a refusal. The Doc was very open and honest stating that there a chance it wont work and it will would be a long shot. My BF having heard all the information agreed to have the reversal and it was booked for December. A week ago, he told me that he didn't want to do the Operation. My whole world fell apart. I cry all the time, I have physical pain in my chest, I feel completely worthless. He & I are only one who knows about operation or possibility of us having kids. I haven't been made to talk to him because every time I look at him I start to cry again. He has given me my space and has taken to sleeping in the spare room. I know he wont change is mind, and if does he will resent me for forcing him into doing something he doesn't want. And if doesn't change his mind I will resent him for taking my chance away. One thing he mentioned during one of sob sessions is that doesn't think he can take the pressure of every time we have sex it will be with expectation of falling pregnant and if it doesn't happen what then .......
The only thing I want is a chance to have a child with him. And I don't know if I can forgive him if he takes that chance away? I know I love him but will that resentfulness cause us to hate each other?

I really am at a loss ........ I don't think I have any tears left ....


Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Anonymous Nov. 12, I'm so sorry you're going through this. The wound is fresh. Sooner or later, you will stop crying. Meanwhile, is there someone else you can ask to talk to your man about this? You need to tell somebody. Keeping it a secret just makes the pain worse. It's true that a vasectomy reversal after so many years might not work, but he needs to keep his word. I wish you all the best.

Unknown said...

Perhaps this will help....either you chose to marry him in spite of him not wanting any children or you chose to stay with him even after he told you he didnt want any. It is not him you need to forgive...it is yourself for making the decisions you made that led to a childless life.

Anonymous said...

I feel everyone’s agony. I have been tormenting myself for months now, day in and day out, searching for something to force my hand to make the decision to stay in my relationship (which is loving and caring with the best man i’ve known) v. leaving. I’m nearing 37. I’ve always wanted kids. I’d be an amazing mother. My partner is young. He’s 33. He most likely does not want children but “may change his mind one day”. He doesn’t view my age as problem because we are both ok with adoption. However, I’m petrified of living childless and having this inherent sadness for the rest of my years. I don’t have that now, meaning, i’m not sad that i don’t have kids now…..but i think that is because I still feel like it’s an option…..of course that is if I leave. I’m also petrified of leaving and having this inherent sadness of missing my partner for the rest of my years. What I don’t find anyone to love this greatly again? What if I end up alone. Or, I settle, to have a family but my husband and father of my children doesn’t hold a candle to my partner now? I’m petrified of making the wrong decision: paralyzing me. We have been together for three years now and it’s time to make a decision and be at peace with it. but, how?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I feel for you. Unfortunately, a lot of people find themselves in the same dilemma. I don't know if it will help or make things worth, but you might want to read today's blog post at the new site, http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. For now, maybe you should take a break from worrying about what may happen in the future and decide whether what you have is okay for today. I hope you can find peace with this.

Tony Morrow said...

My anger and resentment ebb and flow. I know I've said some
very hateful things here about my situation. I'm not sorry I did.
I believe that I should leave my wife, marry the pretty young Colombian
girl and have my kids. But as we know American society doesn't approve
of much older me with much younger women. Frankly I don't give a damn what
society thinks. I'm sure my actions will horrify many people. So be it. I'm
rally resenting the fact that I so willingly agreed not to have kids. I should have broken the engagement and pursued a much younger woman who could give me
children. Truly I feel like an intruder or an outsider around my step grandsons.
At first I felt guilty, but now I don't. I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO. iT WILL BE NASTY AND UGLY. bUT IF I DON'T i'LL LANGUISH IN RESENTMENT AND UNHAPPINESS. lIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THAT.

Anonymous said...

Everyone would say I should be content, I have four children already. Probably because they have been such a joy and they are such well behaved children... My biological desires are no less intense than they were from basically puberty. In that I have my answer, I just have an all around over active drive... but I'm only 30 and he's only 33, and we did once say "As many as God would give us" Though I renounced my faith shortly into our marriage. He has confessed that he wouldn't give me children now because I am no longer a Christian, and seems to me he tacks on "and because I'm happy". I'm not. I'm not ready to move past this stage of life. He acts like he's so old. His family has shorter life spans than mine and it effects his perceptions, yet they were all very unhealthy people (Snickers Casserole) I could live to be 100 while he could be at mid life, but we run and eat well. I'm sure I'm taking good care of him and adding years to his life. So 70 give or take more years of what, running? I have lost interest in snow boarding and pretty much any activity that is supposed to entice me into childless life, partly because I don't like to see my youngest on steep slopes, he is too reckless and care free in that arena... Why can't he be reckless in a less life threatening way, I prefer a different kind of simpler life. I'm so mad at him. He was a tyrant for years but recently turned into the kinder guy I knew before he joined the Army, because I very seriously almost left him, packed our belonging separately and made plans. When I told him my plan he was very sorry and proceeded to make my head spin with kindness month after month... I wouldn't leave him now for this because he is almost completely a great guy again! I just don't see us ever being on the same page about a lot of things... most of them having to do with me giving up opinions (because he's so insistent that I see at least politics his way) and desires. He seems to be learning to assert his own desires after years in the army and i don't know, what have I ever taken from him besides his youth, and freedom... it's like he's making too many stands all at once, all against me it feels. I want him to not think about child rearing as drudgery. I want him to feel exactly as I do, that it's a fun life experience, team effort, and worth every difficulty. I know he wouldn't be as unhappy as I am if I were to get my way, he loves babies and children, but he gets to decide. My feelings have zero sway because they are illogical according to the times we live in, though he used too say "We don't compare ourselves to other people" He says I've never been happy so my desires are like the boy who cried wolf... but it's not true. I finally found a community after years of desolation after leaving the church and years of loneliness through deployments... I was finally happy and then he up and changed jobs and moved us again! It's not fair to disregard and label my feelings as folly, I think really he is just doesn't want to be the bad guy and pretty much all my wishes make him so. I wish we hadn't moved away from family. I wish he were more of an entrepreneur and self starter with his handy man skills, I wish he'd be less of a worse case scenerioist* Sincerely DBB

Anonymous said...

30 with a husband who just declared he refuses to do any infertility treatment but keeps insisting he really wants to have w child with me, asks if we can just pray and hope for the best. furious.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Dec 1,
It sounds as if you have a lot of issues with your husband, not just the desire to have more children. I hope spilling it out here gave you some relief. You need to find someone to talk to, a friend, counselor, or family member who can help you figure things out. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

I'm Dec 1st.. thanks. I guess there are still a lot of problems. I think everyone needs love, including his type. I'm strong and a loner, an introvert that loves solitude. But I still want connections. I recognize that our priorities clash. Life is too brief to be apart from the people you love. He doesn't mind not living near his family, he doesn't mind not connecting with people. He doesn't realize he doesn't connect with people... tell him and he'll insist he has friends, but he'll admit to me that all his life he's only made friends in group settings he was forced into and that all his friends are long distance formed in training of some kind and deployments. We met in a church group with very lively friends, that lifestyle drifted away when we moved. BTW he's on the psychopath spectrum. Meaning he lacks a sufficient amount of empathy. He told me this after 12 years of marriage! I found one really great friend in our new town but I don't like to drag my husband through the dirt with the potencial for mutual friendship between our spouses. Though hers is kind of letting her down too, and mine hasn't been social (shock) We put them together once and mine didn't talk! I told her when we first met that I might leave him, but then he turned it around and has for the most part maintained a respectful way with our children and I. He just wishes he could conform my thoughts into his and guide me into someone he approves of , he'd deny that but the suggestions he makes for my future are pride based ("You should be a lawyer, guy at the office's wife handles court cases,  used to be with Hells Angels and is now a durby girl..." when I room my eyes at this blatant hinting he gets annoyed that I don't have an open mind to fun things outside my presupposed interests. No I don't care to go sky diving or any other adrenaline feasting activities) He has a lot of tendencies that seem to be rooted in shame, which is one of my irritations with his faith,  the tendency for people to live out of alignment with thier nature, under misguided interpretations... his interpretations seem solid but he was raised with some funk. He refuses to believe that cause and effect matter, personal choice is ultimate... so how does he see his wrong choices, as loathsome, self loathing. He becomes a grumpy troll with no respect for anyone's wrong choice. Evil is evil,  no grey aloud. I'm kind of a wild unruly thing with very little concern for implications. That it harm none do as thou will... I tred carefully to try not to harm others,  but live and love freely, not promiscuous if that sounded off. I'm quite monogamous despite my interest in preagricultural polyanderous cultures... He isn't so keen on my fun brain! He acts repulsed by my livaciousness, acting like I'm overly lascivious as if I can't be good and pure with a sexual appitite... he can't live without it though, he's addicted  and he hates it and therefore me.... tbc

Anonymous said...

I don't know what he likes about me at all. He said we'd be friends even if we weren't married... So he keeps his grumbling in check in dealing with us but the rest of the world is fair game! I believe we are all one and that hating others is poisoning to self. It's actually semi scientific. When you hurt someone the brain percieves it as hurt recieved as well. So he is constantly poisoning himself with at least negativity, and sharing it with me. Beliefs, actions, evil... he's the judge. Other than that he's gotten grumpy on a road trip, and flipped when we watched a movie (Jurassic World, of all things) It made me miss my family. When the guy becomes sort of an uncle to the kids and the sisters reunite... I was buzzed from a little wine a joyfully said "We should just move!" Without realizing how far over it he was! My thoughts were that he's been so quick for adventure from firefighting to being a soldier to being a State Trooper, why not one more job change and move!? I guess I believe him that he is getting concerned and ready to settle for retirement... he's worked insanely hard and now seems unable to push another door. I also think he's afraid of pressure living up to expectations around family, he has a hard enough time with neighbors. He can't take a kind gesture to save our lives. We rely on firewood for heat and ran out last year... wouldn't take the offerings from neighbors! My heart isn't set on being completed through him. I labored and birthed alone with our youngest because he didn't believe me and wanted to sleep. I was calm and hardly uncomfortable. During transition he drove me to the hospital, I walked in and checked myself in and was told I was at a ten and pushed and released any vision of a so called ideal partner in life, maybe the ideal is fantasy. I am not in a hurry to break up my children's home. I guess I still seek fulfillment in others outside of my marriage. My biggest regret is missing out on my nephews/cousins for my children, siblings and thier spouses, aunts and uncles for my children, and my mom. My dad lives light years away it seems in Hawaii and he long abandoned his family so it's not a thing. My thing is to try to connect not have oceans between... but my husband's has no appreciation for the struggle. He's eager to live like a pioneer out alone on a mountain top, yes we live on a mountain top. We have a couple neighbors and our children ride a bus 30 minutes to school snow or shine. It's nuts. Anyway, I know my posts are misplaced. I didn't read the title the other day, just googled and clicked. Maybe I'll go find a thread for being married to a psychopath...

Anonymous said...

I can't believe I am posting something on a blog, but I am pretty desperate. I am a man, I just turned 40. My wife will be 50 in a couple of months. We have been together for 9 years. She has two daughters from her first marriage. We have one daughter together, she just turned three. So what is the problem? More. I want more children and always did. My wife suffered six miscarriages before finally giving birth to our little girl with the help of IVF. It took two rounds, hundreds of thousands of dollars, daily shots, painful procedures for her, of course, not me. I know my wife has done all she can physically to give me the child I wanted so badly. I just can not escape this desire for more children. In a strange way, it feels like I started and stopped my plans for a family with the arrival of my daughter. People who know what my wife and I went through to have her tell me I should just be happy to have one. To say that I am happy is an understatement. To say I love my little girl, well, it just doesn't say enough. I am grateful to have a healthy little girl. I just feel so trapped by the fact that there will be no more children as long as I am with my wife.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Dec. 11, I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic. More kids might be nice, but if you love your wife, you'll get over it and love the one you have, plus your stepdaughters. Your wife went through so much to give you your little girl. Six miscarriages? Isn't that enough?

Anonymous said...

I am 35, husband is 50. We met when I was 20 & he was 35. About 10 yrs ago,never imagined it would be that long, my husband really started pushing for us to have a baby. We had talked about it before & we both agreed children were in our future. But when he brought it up time after time I thought "it was the wrong time". I was working 60hrs/wk in a very physical job, our finances were not where I'd have liked them to be. Looking back I know I was thinking too much-wanting everything to be perfect, tied up in a need little package. In one conversation w/ my husband, I felt like I was being forced to have a baby. I thought, "wow-you must just not be ready yet-aren't you supposed to really want a child before getting pregnant-really ache? To say the least, the phrase "I'm not ready" did not go over well & now 10 yrs later it is still a major obstacle in our relationship. My husband compares me-us-to other people & can’t seem to believe my rationale that I wasn't ready. He doesn't understand how my friend who got pregnant in HS, or poor college-student sister & her unemployed husband could be on kid number 2 & we, 2 college educated people w/ good paying FT jobs, a house, etc. aren’t ready. He thinks "I'm not ready" is a BS excuse-saying "were they ready? did all those other people plan it?" & I get it-but I can't continue to rationalize how I thought 10 yrs ago. I can see I've hurt him. He feels he is invalid, not worthy of being a parent. Doesn't help that his ex doesn't let him have contact w/ his daughter. He'd be a great father. It was truly about me- I really thought 2 down the line we'd have kids. I never thought 10 yrs & we'd still be childless & its not that I can't get pregnant. We don't even know-we haven't tried. This is damaging all aspects of our relationship. I'm to the point where I think he hates me. We fight constantly about stupid stuff & it always comes back to this. I am a person that would like to resolve this but I don't know how. I feel like this will always be an argument for him. I don't know how to make him understand. He constantly says "It doesn't make since-just tell me why you didn't want to have kids w/ me?" & I repeat what I've been saying, trying to phrase it differently & nothing works. Now that I am ready for a child, its too late. He'd be 68 at a HS graduation, 72 at a college graduation, 80 on the kids 30th birthday. Is that even fair to a child? I feel hurt that in trying to have a very difficult, emotional conversation - b/c please know me telling him wasn't easy - I feel like I got pushed away too-that I lost my BFF & I feel helpless. I regret not having kids-I regret that one day I will be completely alone-no husband, no kids-no legacy, no one to take over our "family" business. It's a very depressing place to be & it's impacting everything we do. I am at my wits end. I don't know how to make my husband know it had nothing to do w/ him-me saying I wasn't ready was the truth. Every night I lay in bed wishing to go back to that time 10 yrs ago & I wish I had agreed w/ him to start a family. I feel like all this heartache would have been avoided & we'd be happy. We are not happy now & I don't know what to do. I'm not so sure if he loves me anymore-I hope he does. I just see disgust spread across his face every time i say anything. He doesn't listen.He says a lot of what I say is nonsense. It's clear I've hurt him but I can't make him see that I hurt myself in the process too. Any ideas on how to rebuild our relationship? I don't want a lifetime similar to the past yrs but I'm also not tossing in the towel-I'm hopeless.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, Why not just have a baby now? Don't worry about how old you and your husband will be when your child graduates, gets married, etc. Nobody knows the future. I hope you can resolve this happily.

Tony Morrow said...

You should have had a baby for him. Contrary to popular belief, men do have
a biological clock. I agree with Sue. Age be damned, go ahead and have a child.
If you don't he will leave you for someone younger who will. And you can't blame
him. I can see where he feels invalid. We men are funny about that. I can also
understand why you wanted everything to be just right. However, everything rarely
is just right to enter into a major undertaking. If you wait for the exact right time to do something, it rarely gets done, If I was your husband, I'd have traded you in for a 20 something and had a kid or two about five years ago. You are in a situation of your own doing. Don't be surprised if he leaves you.

Tony Morrow said...

You should have had a baby for him. Contrary to popular belief, men do have
a biological clock. I agree with Sue. Age be damned, go ahead and have a child.
If you don't he will leave you for someone younger who will. And you can't blame
him. I can see where he feels invalid. We men are funny about that. I can also
understand why you wanted everything to be just right. However, everything rarely
is just right to enter into a major undertaking. If you wait for the exact right time to do something, it rarely gets done, If I was your husband, I'd have traded you in for a 20 something and had a kid or two about five years ago. You are in a situation of your own doing. Don't be surprised if he leaves you.

Nicole said...

I'm 35 and my husband in 38. We have been married for almost 7 years. When we got married he said that he wanted kids and that we would have them eventually. For the past 4 years I have been trying to get him to have kids with me, he just keeps saying soon. I am worried that "soon" will never happen. Every birthday I get more upset because I'm still not a mom and am worried that I will never become one. I have thought about divorcing him and moving on. I'm not sure what I should do.

Tony Morrow said...

Leave him and find someone willing to have kids. You're right, soon won't
happen.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Nicole, nobody else can tell you what to do. Have you talked this through with your husband? Have you told him unfair it is for him to keep putting this off, that you had an agreement? Try every option before you decide you have to divorce him.

LeeLee said...

Sue when you ask readers to consider how you feel and others like you, I'm all for being empathetic.

No disrespect, I'm just wondering before you married TWICE, if you talked about your desire for children before making such a serious commitment. You walked in knowing husband #2 had a vasectomy and had a couple of kids already, but married him anyway.

Marriage is a spiritual covenant before God, it's serious. So why marry someone who wants the complete opposite from the beginning? My only guess is that emotions and hormones were involved when falling for someone completely incompatible in the topic of children, which is life changing and permanent.

On one side you can't expect the person who was honest from the beginning about not wanting kids to force themselves to and on the other side someone like you who always wanted kids can't ignore your desire on a strict time restraint biologically. Can you adopt at this point? Or have you considered that? Husband #2 would have to start over somewhat but not the same as a newborn.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

LeeLee,
Husband number one had said he would welcome children. We were married in the Catholic Church and it was a serious spiritual commitment--for me. I did not find out for a couple years that he didn't really want children or any of the constraints of marriage. Keep in mind this was the early '70s, and sex was not as open as it is now. Eventually I had that marriage annulled through the church.
By the time I met husband number two, I had pretty much given up on having a husband or children. I knew he was at a different stage in life, but I did a lot of denial about having children. Whether or not we had children together, I wanted to be with him, and we were both totally committed to our marriage.
As for adopting and husband starting over, I guess you missed a chapter or two in my story. I'm 63 years old, and my husband died 4 1/2 years ago, so that ship has sailed. The only thing I'm willing to adopt now is dogs.
But I agree with your points. If I had it to do over, I would thoroughly discuss the subject of having children and might decide that if the man didn't want them, that was a deal-breaker.
Thanks for sharing this and making me think.

Jeremy said...

Hi everyone I'm a 52 year old man with 3 kids already 24,19 and 11 from previous marriage and now cannot father anymore because of non existent sperm count. I got married again 5 years ago to a woman 24 years younger than me and I never mentioned my problem to her at the time as I was embarrassed because it made me feel un manly so I just said I was too old for nappies and sleepless nights and she understood back then. Well now she wants a child so we saw a fertility clinic and used donor sperm 3 times but that didn't work either so we decided that was gods intent for us and left it there a year ago. Now she wants a divorce to find someone closer in age with healthy sperm and have a baby naturally so I have to respect her needs and desires and let her go but it hurts like hell, I feel like a failure again but I'll get over it. I wish all you ladies peace and love, I hope it works out for all of us :)

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Jeremy, I'm so sorry. And I'm surprised that she gave up on you.if it didn't work with donor sperm, it might not work with another man.I wish I knew how to comfort you.it sounds lame, but it will get easier with time. Take care.

Jeremy said...

Hi Sue cheers for your kind words, life deals us challenges and its up to us how we handle them, the last thing i want is a nasty bitter divorce, so ill help her move back to her country and start a new life.

Tony Morrow said...

Candy',

One thing you didn't take into account as to why I'm leaving for a younger woman is the fact that I can't please my wife regardless of what I do or don't do. I get criticized for everything and I'm tired of it. Clearly you don't like my feelings, but I am honest. Frankly I'm a bit angry with you as I feel you're trying to make me feel guilty for my course of action. You passed judgment before you knew the facts. But many people do. Like I said, I will glacé what I didn't have and no, I don't feel bad about leaving. If my wife hadn't treated me so badly, I wouldn't feel this way. You're lucky to have a good man who won't leave you for a younger woman, but I assure you that most men will. And I don't think we're
wrong to do it.

Anonymous said...

My wife and I have been trying to conceive for a Whopping 12 Years!
We have experienced 4 IVF treatments, 8 IUI treatments, numerous infertility drugs
and countless hours of driving, staying in hotels, waiting for answers etc.
Not to mention we have each had a surgeries related to this issue. It's downright mind blowing. Believe it or not, this isn't the largest problem. My wife can't let go.
She is still trying. She is 41. Trying to be an understanding Husband I sat down with her
last year and said ( after disappointing news about my sperm count ) let's go ahead and use
a sperm donor. My wife did the research and tried to find a donor that looked somewhat like me
and had some of my characteristics. She got the sperm and proceeded with 3 more IUI attempts.
All of this happening while having Foster babies in and out of our house. None of them were keepers. They all went back to extended family members. Heartache has been insurmountable.
My wife's theory is to try for kids from all angles. Save for permanent adoption, keep going with foster adoption and her still trying to get pregnant.
Here is where the problem lies. My wife will not let go of the pregnancy thing. Every time she hears that she's not pregnant she always says the same thing " they are working on some new ways to get me pregnant". We have no money. We just started a business after the recession and all money has had to go into that. She is working nights cleaning houses in order to keep doing this. She goes to acupuncture before the procedure and after, she does the drug treatment and she does the actual IUI treatment. With travel etc. this costs between $1,000.00 and 1,200 each time. We have spent close to $80k on everything.
This insatiable need to keep going at a 5% chance of getting pregnant is wrecking our marriage. I would have better luck of stopping a locomotive with my bare hands than get my wife to see the light on this subject. She will not go to marriage counseling or a therapist because she doesn't want anybody to stop her. I am trying to convince that we should try to put all effort and money into permanent adoption. While it's not guaranteed,
it's the best shot we have at being parents. Outside of this major issue my wife is great.
A very calm, loving and understanding person on every level and every other issue.
We have been together for 17 years. I am 49

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Jan. 11, you certainly have been through the ringer. I'm so sorry none of this has worked. I think your wife will let go eventually, but it's going to take more time and pressuring her about it probably won't work. I hope you can work it out. It sounds like you have a marriage worth saving.

Making Money Online said...

My husband went out of the country and could not return for three years due to immigration issues. I cried every day for three years on the phone because I wanted kids. We were trying before he left. After three years of preparing my body for pregnancy and losing 60 pounds, he returned to the USA. When I told him now let's start the insemination so we can have our child, he said " I'm too old". I was so angry. I continued to beg for another year. Then got tired of it and was inseminated with dinar sperm! I am now 40 yrs old pregnant with my first child. My husband pretends to be happy but I know he's not. Some days I'm severely depressed and other days I'm happy. One day I will get used to it. I wanted a real family but I guess mommy,baby and mommies husband will have to be enough.

Tony Morrow said...

It's been quiet on this blog for awhile. Candy hasn't
lashed out at me for wanting a pretty young wife and kids.
My feeling are still what they are and I'm not changing. I'm
going to leave my wife for a younger woman and have my own
sperm produced children. I've been a stepfather for 21 years
and frankly it's been the emptiest, lackluster experience I've
ever had. Maybe if I'd married a lot younger and had my own
children. I didn't and I really regret it. As far as my leaving
I can tell you it's heard. I'm not going to go to marriage counseling
because I'm not interested in staying married to a woman three years older
than me, no kids of my own and no passion. Frankly women over 35 don't appeal to
me and I assure 99% of men feel this way. However, feminism has made men such
candy asses these days, very few actually leave for the younger woman. Thankfully, I'm mean and strong enough to do this. In order to fulfill my wishes, I must marry
a younger woman who can give me children. I know that may of you women think I'm
wrong. I'm not. In my mind it's appropriate for someone to leave their partners
for whatever reason when they're unhappy. I know that many of you will want to
preach to me, save your breath. A friend of mine asked, "What if your wife commits suicide when you leave ?" I don't know and it's not my problem. To me my feelings are acceptable and I'm at peace with them. Nobody can talk me out of it and nobody
can tell me I'm wrong. I'm not. I will have happiness, which I have had for 21 years. Consequences be damned !

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Tony, I almost didn't published your Jan. 24 comment. It really rubs me the wrong way. But I wanted to take the opportunity to remind you and everyone here that this blog moved last year to another site, where there is indeed a comment waiting for you. Go to http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. BTW, I assure you there are plenty of men who appreciate grownup women.

Anonymous said...

My husband is 12 years older than me. In the start we both were like no children but open to talk if I changed my mind. Hubby was sick w cancer the 1st year of marriage and after that many other health issues. The last year has been good w better health for him. I have 3 step children 2 that live w us for the last 2 years fulltime. I love them dearly. I feel like I missed out on the baby years and the pregnancy stuff. My urge to have a baby of my own has been strong over the last year. He does not want anymore kids at his age. Doesn't want to be the old man at graduation. He is ready for the freedom of no kids at home in the next few years. Boys are 15,17. Hadhe not been sick maybe we could have kids sooner but now he is 43 and feels he is to old. I am frustrated, sad and mixed feelings. Makes it harder seeing my ex have kids and many of my friends.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous,
I'm sorry this is happening to you. These days a lot of men are having children at 43, but I can understand your husband's reluctance to start over with child-raising. I hope you can find a way to be happy with your stepsons. It will get easier with time.

Anonymous said...

I can't forgive.

I'm turning 30 next month. I have two kids from a previous relationship but The last 5 years of my life I have had the most excruciating baby fever. I cry constantly. I cry myself to sleep nightly. I can't look at pictures of babies, pregnancies, gender reveals on social media. I decline every invitation to baby showers.

My boyfriend of 5 years is 46 years old with two boys from a previous marriage and has denied me in the worst of ways multiple times.

I used to love him.

I stared at him in awe, I worshipped the ground he walked on. I envisioned our future together. I waited on the edge of my seat for that perfect moment that was going to be a proposal. I wanted to have a baby with him.

I was married once before. I was 17 and it was a courthouse ceremony in my jeans. I always wanted a wedding.

I got pregnant at 18 and nobody besides me was happy or excited. No baby shower. No maternity photos except for what I could manage with a digital camera and a mirror.

My second pregnancy, same thing except my kids dad left me at the beginning of my pregnancy. I did everything alone. No shower, no pictures, no excitement, no moral support just a thousand or more gallons of tears shed.

Enter the current boyfriend 3 years later. Everything I'd hoped for. All the potential of the wedding I wanted and the pregnancy I craved. This time it was going to be right finally.

Five years. No proposal, no engagement, no baby, no baby shower. Nothing.

He doesn't understand. He doesn't get it. I've missed out on these amazing things my entire life and he's ruined any chance of ever having it.

He sleeps soundly while I cry for hours unable to sleep.

I looked at him with complete and utter love once, I hoped I could forgive him in time. I can't.

I look at him and the love & awe is replaced with anger and hatred. I hate everything about him now. I hate when he talks, the way he chews his food, I hate when he touches me, I won't even have sex with him anymore.

To me, having sex is not only for pleasure but for procreation. If he won't procreate with me how am I supposed to get pleasure? Why should I give him pleasure?

I want to leave him but my odds of finding someone to love me enough for marriage and babies is slim to none and my time is running short.

So I'm stuck in this future less relationship that once had so much potential.

What I don't understand is how he can be so okay with everything, with me being so wrecked and ravaged by this to the point I've been hospitalized with suicide attempts and not even consider just making me the happiest person in the world with one simple "will you marry me" and letting me carry his baby?

At what point is he deserving of forgiveness? That his needs and wants are so much greater than mine that he has made life decisions for me that are irreversible so I should forgive him?

I can't forgive him and I'm stuck with him. I have no future. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm not worthy of a ring much less an 18 year commitment.

I wish there was something someone could say to magically make everything okay or even make me feel better but it just won't happen. This was mostly a rant post in a forum with others that feel the same way as I do. I hope all of you get the babies you want ❤

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, You are not stuck with him. Get away from him for a while. See if you feel better. I hope you find some peace of mind and a better path through life.

Anonymous said...

I've been with my husband for 13 years now. He had a daughter when we started dating (now 15) and I love her dearly. He is 44 now and I am 34. We always talked about having a child together during the first several years of our relationship, but he always made excuses to put it off. He basically demanded that I get a driver's license (I didn't really need one at the time) and then it was a better paying job, we needed to own our own home... Everything he wanted has happened. All that work, the time... I would periodically bring it up and he would agree or make an excuse. Here I am in my 30's with my biological clock ticking away. My whole family, our friends, everyone we know always asks when we are having a child. That just makes it so much worse. I got so mad with my husband and told him all that I have been feeling, and he basically said that he thought I hadn't been serious about wanting a child. I could have just walked away then. How is one supposed to react to this? It's like he has been yanking my chain for all these years. It's all very complicated, as life is, but he still says he wants to try. He said he was reluctant because if his age. I pointed out that he and I aren't going to get any younger. He tells everyone that we are trying, but we aren't really. I don't know what I should do. I love him but I resent him. My heart is broken. Some days I just want to move on and find someone else, but we worked really hard to build this life together. I can't start over now. I don't have anywhere to go and I can't do it alone.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous 3/17/16, I am so angry for you. My first husband did a lot of those delaying tactics, too. Better job, more money, a house . . . and then he dumped me. It's time to tell him we're going to seriously try to have a baby and be together on it, or you don't know if you can stay with him. I hope you can work it out.

Anonymous said...

My fiancée has a 21 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. He basically raised them both on his own because his ex-wife cheated on him (multiple times) and then finally left him. They have been divorced for 11 years. They had kids straight out of high school. I knew his situation and that he had kids when I first started talking to him so during one of our very first conversations before we ever went on our first date I said "I don't care if you think I'm being forward in saying this but I'm putting it out there so you know...I want children, so if you are done having children, you need to tell me and we need to stop this before it starts." He assured me that he also wanted more children. Fast forward four months later, his daughter makes a snippy comment when a friend makes a comment about us having children, and she snottily says "I'm not having anymore brothers or sisters." Since that time it has been hard to get my fiancée to have a conversation with me about having children. Currently we live in different states and I am in the process of moving back to the state he is in. (My family is there too so the move is not just for him, although he is a big reason that I chose to move back.) I should have had the child conversation face to face with him before I said yes to marriage. Before we only spoke on the phone and he would hang up on me whenever I brought it up which would send me into an emotional wreck, crying and pleading and finally agreeing that we didn't have to have children, just so he would talk to me again. He is 40 and I am 39. At this point in my life it looks like I only get one or the other (relationship or a child). It's too late for me to find love again if I want to have a child. I'm looking at IVF or adoption. I hate that he lied to me in our first conversation, because it took over a year away from me. He says it's because he has already raised kids and he is done, but if that were the case, why didn't he just tell me that in the beginning. I think a lot of it has to do with his daughter as she gets into trouble a lot and hangs out with the wrong crowd. He has even told me that he'll probably be a grandpa soon with the way she is acting. I hate that I've "followed the rules," and it now feels like I am being punished for the choices I have made in life. I got an education, built a career and have a steady income, and I am ready to start my family, and the man I love doesn't want to have a family with me. I told him that when I move back, we are going to sit down and discuss this face to face like adults where he doesn't get to hang up on me and walk away from the conversation. He says it won't change his mind and I pretty much know that, but I want him to hear what I have to say. I think it's only fair, given the time he has taken from me. I just hope I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life. If IVF doesn't work, I'm sure adopting is going to be a long struggle for a single parent. I can't see a woman choosing a single mom over a two parent household and international adoption is so expensive. Here's hoping I can change his mind, but the realist in me knows better.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous March 20, you say he hangs up on you every time you bring up the topic of having children. He actually hangs up on you? And you want to marry this guy? I'm sorry, but I suggest you run away, even if you are 39 and possibly running low on eggs. If he treats you like that now, he's liable to do it again with other important subjects. Just my opinion, but I hope you give this lots of thought. Talk it out with your family, too.

Amber Fuchs said...

I am about to turn 36 and couldn't feel any worse about it. I have a very loving husband that I have been with for 13 years. We have been married for 6. He is 3 years younger then me so in the early stages of relationship we didn't talk much about the future. It took him 7 years to propose but I was thrilled when it finally happened and since I had told him that getting married and starting a family was something I always wanted I assumed he wouldn't have asked me to marry him if he didn't want the same thing. I threw myself into wedding planning and a year later we bought a house. The desire to have kids became stronger then ever. Every time I bring it up he shies away from me, changes the subject or tells me we need more money. I have said many times we will never be able to afford kids but we have stable jobs, a nice home and I am not getting any younger. I have spend endless hours crying and talking this out with friends and family and I am still heart broken.Last year I went to a therapist who suggested I bring him in to discuss things but I never went back. I am one of the only people left in my social circle who doesn't have children. I have lost friends because of my heart ache over watching them have babies while I am not. I have felt selfish and been treated as such. I can't help the way I feel. It is too painful to be around people who seemingly have everything they want while I have had to settle. Recently my best friend asked my husband if we were going to have kids or not and after a long pause he said he is undecided. I wanted to slap his head off. His reluctance to talk about it and then his indecision when confronted gives me hope and I need to know once and for all where he stands. I have been more then patient and though I know he loves me I just don't know if he understands just how much this has affected me. He has not been there when my gynecologist talks to me about harvesting eggs. He doesn't get that I have a time limit and it is running out. I never wanted to be this age starting a family. I always wanted to have at least 2 kids. At this point I would be happy to have one. I am glad I found this thread as I needed very much to vent a little today.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Amber, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your husband really isn't listening, but someone needs to get through to him. Can you talk to his parents, siblings or friends? I hope you can work it out. Probably he is just scared, but it's time to do it.
You are definitely not alone. I get similar comments almost every day. However, the blog has a new address. For the latest posts and comments, go to http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com.

Anonymous said...

Today I am broken. My heart is in pieces.
I have 2 older children, whom I adore with all my heart, but I did not feel done, and I did not like that choice being made for me against my will. I think I would be ok with not having a child, as long as the hope remained that I could, or the option was there to try.
8 years ago my husband had a vasectomy against my wishes, despite my pleading with him not to. He had just come off having an affair and our relationship was in a sensitive place, and I was afraid to lose him despite it all. I know many people will judge that, but I struggle with significant anxiety issues and had just lost both my parents, so he was all I had and I was scared.

I made him promise to have a reversal within a few years after he came home from having it done (secretly against my wishes)..I could accept a vasectomy for a short time if it meant a stronger relationship for us, as long as he understood how deeply I needed him to reverse it.

This has been a constant issue between us all these years.

9 months ago he went to the Dr due to some issues he was having with his vasectomy, and was told he would most likely need a reversal to correct it- I have been elated this entire time thinking the possibility of a reversal was on the horizon..and that it would be covered! No out of pocket expense for us (here we have to pay for a reversal, but not a vasectomy)My husband would not pay for it even if it meant I would leave.

He fought going to the specialist appointment the last few days..making me feel like crap.

He had his specialist appointment yesterday and it turns out he does not have a pain condition related to his vasectomy, just a really bad testicular infection. So, no reversal.And no discussion on it. While I was obviously emotional over this, he apologised for having gone against my wishes years ago, saying he would not do so today..but that does not fix the situation so I don't know how I feel about it.

And here I am, 36, waiting desperately for this opportunity and loosing it.
Depressing, I know...and I apologise. I have no friends to talk to, no family as they are deceased. I have my husband and our whole lives are about him and what he wants. Yesterday I had hope I would maybe one day have a baby. Today I have none.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Clearly you and your husband have some work to do on your relationship. Meanwhile, try to love the kids you do have.

Tony Morrow said...

I truly feel so horrible for you. What torques me off
is that his vasectomy was done secretly. I'd leave him
and find someone who can a biological child of your
own. You deserve to be happy.

Anonymous said...

I'm 35 and have been with my husband for over five years. He used to comment (before we were married) about how we should have a baby before I get too old, but I was young and not ready yet. Post-marriage my birth control failed us, he flipped out and forced me into termination. I wanted this child. This was the worst mistake of my life. I cry everyday about it. He could not have a conversation about the pregnancy without giving every worst case scenario he could think of, how much he didn't want it, and how "now just isn't a good time" because I am in school (we make several six-digit figures a year and could easily support a baby.). He was very mean to me afterwards, unable to understand why I was depressed and suicidal. He has two children from a previous (very bad) relationship, those two children were forced on him. I resent him every day. I hate/love him every day. He tells me now that maybe we should try in a few years when I'm done with school, but I'll be 40 and starting a VERY difficult career, with little time for an infant. He will not allow me to have a child. I love and raise his two children, but they are not mine, and being around them is starting to be very difficult. I look at them and see what I will never have. The love I will never get to feel and it crushes me every day. I don't know how much longer I can stay with him. I can't imagine life without the man I love and the step-kids I have grown to cherish, but every time I look at them, every time a friend posts a picture of their child, every time there is a laughing baby on tv, I die a little inside.

All I can think about is reaching a certain age, discovering my window of opportunity is gone, and killing myself. Do I stay and meet my fate? Do I try to untangle myself from our life and attempt to find someone new?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous 4/23, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Can I just kick your husband in the balls please? It sounds like you need some time away from him and also somebody to talk to. Think about counseling. It might help. Know that you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

I've read all these comments with interest.
I worry as my partner will attempt to reverse his vastectomy in order to give me children. He would be happy not to have more as he has 4 already from a previous relationship. In 36 and feel time is escaping me. However I do worry about him resenting me later? What if it doesn't work and I've wasted my mothering years trying with him?
Where we will find them hey for fertility treatments I don't know.
Is it too much for him to want this as much as I ? I don't want such a beautiful thing turning into a compromise.
Also he said he will commit to having his vastectomy reversed for me if I commit to not leaving him if it fails.
I'm so confused :(

Tony Morrow said...

You have some very difficult choices to make. I don't envy you.
I'm very much in the same boat. My concern is that he might view
having a child as a "compromise". I have the opportunity to leave
my older wife for a beautiful young woman who wants a family. I thought
it would be easy decision. Boy was I mistaken ! I'd say pray and think on
it long and hard. But I hope you do have a baby.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mary Xuereb said...

I feel for each and every one of you, I've been married almost 2 years now. Been together 4. Hubby has a older daughter and we just welcomed our 2 grandchild into the world. I feel so blessed , however I've always wanted children of my own. Thoughts I'd have at least 2 by this age. I'm 33 and hubby is 45. And I too feel the same, I sit back watching him with the grandkids and as happy as it makes me to see him happy. Breaks my heart that isn't not as important to him as it is to me. Every month I express my sadness. If he continues to deny me a child, I honesty don't think I could ever forgive him. Something I've wanted my whole life! I feel for you ladies whole heartedly.

Anonymous said...

I am stuggling very deeply with how my husband is handeling the issue of having a child. My husband is 53 and I am 41. He has two children from a prior marriage- 21 and 16 and they live with us. In the beginning of our relationship, he asked me if I wanted children. I said yes one- he said well two is better. He said he had a vasectomy but said he could get it reversed. Another conversation, he told me he was not sure if he wanted another child. We were dating internationally- he lived in Europe and I on the west coast in America. He said the visits to the west coast were difficult for his care of his children and I could only take off so much time to visit him there. His last visit to me before I moved to Europe to be with him - he said he would have a child. Shortly after we were engaged and I moved to Europe. Fifteen days before our wedding I heard him on a phone call with his sister that he would not be having a child with me. I confronted him on it and he said he wasn't sure it was in his heart. At 38, this was the best relationship I had ever had, I loved him so deeply and thought it was mutual and thought I should take the chance to to see what could happen. We could not posepone the wedding because I would be deported and various other reasons complicated our choices. So we married and since that time I have tried to bring up resolving this issue with him. Looking for a yes, I can or No and we will move through this desicion together. I was willing to face the prospect of being childless if a good, healthy, supportive relationship laid in it's wake. But instead he stalled to give me an answer. He stareted a new buisness that faciltated him in having "virtually no time to discuss the issue". He acts very angry and says the weirdest things to me- as I get upset because he is not ingaging in real heartfelt conversation- he says things like"Are you jelalous that your sister has a child?" I do not understand these reactions. He says he is worried about his age and money and energy but He still does not give me a definite answer and says there is much to talk about- we need to talk more.I would consider adoption of anyform and have ivf financing support promised from my family when needed. I am struggling now with why won't he be truthful and confront the issue. If I'm going to give up motherhood I expect empathy, emotional openess/avalibilty and some supporting thoughts by husband on how we can make up in our future life together for this missed opportunity that we have both created. Should'nt I expect that in the very least? I moved to his country, support his children and are active in their lives, am learning his language and it's the other difficult dialect here, given up more secure job opportunites. Does anyone have any wise words they could graciously share? Much love.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous 6/15/16, I'm so sorry you're going through this. So many men find it difficult to talk about things, but if you are to have a successful relationship, you need to sort it out. It sounds he's saying "no" in many different ways, but you need to push him to tell you what he's really feeling so you can figure out your own life. I hope you can work it out.

Anonymous said...

I went through a similar difficult situation with a former loved one. I am 32, he is 49 with two grown children of his own (two different mothers, 19 and 20). When we first starting dating he said he would be open to having a boy since he doesn't have one, we often had unprotected sex which made me think he was ready for the possibility that I could wind up pregnant. I have endometriosis, so there is a possibility that I cannot have children and I am not sure how his sperm volume is anyway. But at least I was open about the possibilities, and when I thought I was having implantation bleeding (then got my period so turns out I was not pregnant), his whole view of our relationship went cold, very cold. He confessed he couldn't bring any more children into the world, he didn't want a romantic relationship, he has his 2 daughters, etc. etc. I felt so used, so rejected, so saddened to have been so open and trusting and then discarded. The worst case scenario was that I could have wound up pregnant and the same situation could have happened.

In retrospect, I am not sure I would have felt about our future together, his daughters having the possibility to one day marry and have children of their own. They have their own mothers and were my partner to pass away in the future I would feel lonely, as if I would not have a loved one to say goodbye to in my old age. I am not sure to what extent the daughters would care for my ex-partner because one of them has a stepfather who raised her her entire life, and I am not sure the other daughter has it in her to be responsible for her father when he is in old age (she never saw her grandmother in the geriatric home for instance, even though she often passed by it, in addition to other ways she avoids responsibility and drops the ball).

I am an only child and my fear was to wind up in my old age alone without a family of my own (though many children and parents are estranged so there are no guarantees) and with the task of caring for an aging husband (he has vision problems, glaucoma being one, that prevent him from driving, he has no retirement money saved up and does not contribute to social security. He plans to live off of his rental money from his farm and a house of his. In addition he has other problems--former drug addict converted to a process religious addict (to a Japanese cult) thinks he is elevated spiritually but I am not so sure anymore about that given how he shut me out in such a non-loving manner, he does not work, he has no college--he is a musician but makes barely any money from that (he wants to record a CD which will be a loss on his part because recording costs far outweigh what he can make from sales), he is not on speaking terms with his 3 siblings (they didn't even let him know when his mother's ashes or burial were happening), history of being estranged from his father, lawsuits over land I don't think are rightfully his, and just tends to live a chaotic life no matter what because he is disorganized in his thinking.

I am just heartbroken that him and I couldn't have spoken about these issues in a calm, respectful, mature way that honors our humanity and the relationship we had--because I can understand both sides of the coin. I sense that intuitively, spiritually, I rejected him first due to my many fears, and he perceived it. I was also not in a good place emotionally to talk about these issues either because I had so much fear that I was also somewhat shut down and blocking out love.

I often hear and spiritually know that love does not ask for anything, so I am curious about other people's experience or input on this situation of mine.

Thank you and God bless!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous June 21, 2016,
You are much better off without this guy. He has so many problems your life with him would be hell. Let him go and move on. And see a doctor to find out about your fertility. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

I went through a similar difficult situation with a former loved one. I am 32, he is 49 with two grown children of his own (two different mothers, 19 and 20). When we first starting dating he said he would be open to having a boy since he doesn't have one, which made me think he was ready for the possibility that I could wind up pregnant. I have endometriosis, so there is a possibility that I cannot have children and I am not sure how his sperm volume is anyway. But at least I was open about the possibilities, and when I thought I was having implantation bleeding (then got my period so turns out I was not pregnant), his whole view of our relationship went cold, very cold. He confessed he couldn't bring any more children into the world, he didn't want a romantic relationship, he has his 2 daughters, etc. etc. I felt so used, so rejected, so saddened to have been so open and trusting and then discarded. The worst case scenario was that I could have wound up pregnant and the same situation could have happened.

In retrospect, I am not sure I would have felt about our future together, his daughters having the possibility to one day marry and have children of their own. They have their own mothers and were my partner to pass away in the future I would feel lonely, as if I would not have a loved one to say goodbye to in my old age. I am not sure to what extent the daughters would care for my ex-partner because one of them has a stepfather who raised her her entire life, and I am not sure the other daughter has it in her to be responsible for her father when he is in old age (she never saw her grandmother in the geriatric home for instance, even though she often passed by it, in addition to other ways she avoids responsibility and drops the ball).

I am an only child and my fear was to wind up in my old age alone without a family of my own (though many children and parents are estranged so there are no guarantees) and with the task of caring for an aging husband (he has vision problems, glaucoma being one, that prevent him from driving, he has no retirement money saved up and does not contribute to social security. He plans to live off of his rental money from his farm and a house of his. In addition he has other problems--former drug addict converted to a process religious addict (to a Japanese cult) thinks he is elevated spiritually but I am not so sure anymore about that given how he shut me out in such a non-loving manner, he does not work, he has no college--he is a musician but makes barely any money from that (he wants to record a CD which will be a loss on his part because recording costs far outweigh what he can make from sales), he is not on speaking terms with his 3 siblings (they didn't even let him know when his mother's ashes or burial were happening), history of being estranged from his father, lawsuits over land I don't think are rightfully his, and just tends to live a chaotic life no matter what because he is disorganized in his thinking.

I am just heartbroken that him and I couldn't have spoken about these issues in a calm, respectful, mature way that honors our humanity and the relationship we had--because I can understand both sides of the coin. I sense that intuitively, spiritually, I rejected him first due to my many fears, and he perceived it. I was also not in a good place emotionally to talk about these issues either because I had so much fear that I was also somewhat shut down and blocking out love.

I often hear and spiritually know that love does not ask for anything, so I am curious about other people's experience or input on this situation of mine.

Thank you and God bless!

Anonymous said...

I'm currently the partner that is not ready for kids. I'm on the fence. sometimes I love the idea of having a baby with my husband, and then next I'm... just not ready. I'm constantly being asked and pressured to have a baby. for my parents, for my husband, because i'd be a good mother. this weekend I was told I wasn't being fair to my husband because I still wasn't ready to have kids and he's already said he didn't want them if he was older than 35. I get nagged about all the potential medical concerns. it just makes me so angry. I don't know what to do or where to go with this. :'(

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous July 12, thanks for sharing the other side of the story. It must be hard to keep getting nagged about this. I hope you can find peace soon.

Anonymous said...

Wow, so many stories of heartache, resentment and regret. I don't think my story is much different, but I am hoping for some peace and comfort through writing and sharing it.

I've been married to my husband for about 2 years now (I'm now 34, he is 33). I met him on the tail end of a failed marriage with his ex wife, with whom he had 2 young girls (2 and 3). He had a vasectomy after his second daughter because his marriage was struggling and he didn't want anymore children.

When our relationship got serious, we discussed me wanting children of my own. He said he would never take that away from me, and would be supportive and willing to get a reversal if that's what I wanted. What a relief! I envisioned a beautiful marriage with the man I love, and we would build a family of our own.

Here we are a couple of years later, and it turns out (long story short) the vasectomy reversal is not ideal and will most likely not be successful. We have better odds of conception with IVF. So, IVF joined the discussion and things changed quickly. Although he repeatedly tells me if children are my dream, then he will do it since he does not want to the reason I don't get to be a mom. This is great, but even though he says he is willing, his actions, words and outlook are full of resistance. I feel like he is 'scared' of everything -- money, the IVF not working, me resenting him, giving up on his girls because he chose to have a family with me, and lifestyle change. He 'had that life' (with kids and his ex) and it didn't work. He now has 'this life' with me and loves it. He is scared a child will change everything back. Coupled with the fact that he already has kids and the desire is not there as it is with me.

Admittedly, I am very happy with our life now. However, I want more. I want to build a family with the man I love. I have his support - but do I really??? I don't want to be an accessory to someone's family. We do not have full custody of his girls - they are very close to their mom and I'm happy they have her. I love them very much but at the end of the day, I am just a stepmom. I feel like everyone has a 'family' and I don't. I lose. I keep trying to make the sacrifice for him and be ok with no kids of my own - because I think I *could be* - but I'm not ready or willing to just walk away from even trying. I am terrified of the anger and resentment.

At the end of the day, I have someone who is willing to give me what I want. And he has told me that all he wants is ME - with or without kids - he just wants a life with me. Is that enough support even though I know he wouldn't choose another child if it weren't for me??? Am I being too picky to want it all?? Please help!!!

Anonymous said...

Hello, I remarried after 14 year with my first husband. I had 3 girls with him, after my divorce I faced that I would never find someone to love me and my girls. I was wrong i did, from the beginning I mentioned I couldn't have any more children. Thinking my first marriage was going to last I cut and burn my tubes. This man didn't care, our relationship got stronger and marriage came before I said yes. I reminded him, and he said my girls were enough. Well, it's been ten years and barely mid year I noticed a change. Affection was less, I finally got the nerve to ask what was the problem. He wants kids of his own. The heart break I felt, when he said that, I would like to be happy he said . I want to feel what others do. Holding my own in the delivery room. Seeing my blood line gown and experience it. I told him do you love me, he said yes. I don't know if I will find someone and I willing to take that chance. Do u want a divorce, I don't want to hurt u. What does someone say. My heart dropped. I struggling do I let him go, or do I fight for my marriage. There's many marriages that work will mine be one if I fight.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

I'm so sorry. We hear more often from the person who wants kids, but it has to hurt just as bad to be on the other side. You both need to think about it for a while before doing anything drastic. I hope you can work it out.

Tony Morrow said...

I'd say let him go. When men get the urge to sire their own
children, their own DNA, flesh and blood, very little if anything
can or will change their mind. However, you did have the conversation
with him about children with you. At the time he was fine and accepted it.
People do change and not always in the way we'd like or hope. I'm going
through the same thing. My wife and I were older when we married. I was
42 and she was 45. We agreed not to have children because of our age. Mostly I
accepted our decision. Until my youngest stepson and his wife had children.
Two boys. I care for them, but I don't unconditionally love them. They aren't mine nor my DNA. I have the chance to leave for a beautiful young woman and have kids.
But the decision is harder than I though. Either was, someone will be hurt.

Anonymous said...

My husband has changed his mind and now wants kids very badly. Listening to him talk, I believe that he will not be happy if he does not have children. I worry that as more and more people around us have kids, or second and third kids, his unhappiness will grow. One day his younger brother will have kids. One day other people will have grand kids. He will feel renewed pain each time. i am just not sure if we can actually have a healthy happy relationship when he feels so strongly.

Background info is that when we were dating and engaged we had multiple conversations and neither of us wanted kids. I was relieved to find someone that also didn't want kids. I have health issues that make pregnancy risky for both me and a potential baby - not that this makes pregnancy impossible, but since I don't have the desire, the risks involved are not worth it to me. I have tried to change my mind for him, but my true gut instinct is that I really don't think having kids is the right thing for me.

I do feel very bad for my husband, and I have to remind myself that I was upfront with him about everything. The sad truth is that people change. It's just how it is and I guess that's okay. He's allowed to change his mind, and I'm allowed to not change my mind. We have done a few sessions of marriage counseling already about this issue, with probably several more to go before we sort this all out.

I am 35 and he is 34. At this age I can picture him easily finding the life he is looking for, and that he would be very happy. Reading the stories on this blog show me that if he tries to bury his desires in order to stay with me, they will resurface eventually and possibly when it is too late or more difficult for him to find what he is looking for. I am very scared of being responsible for that.

In the meantime he is coping with his disappointment in life by drinking and partying. He has changed from a "happy drunk" to a loud, obnoxious, offensive person who is almost always the most drunk person at any get together. He says he might as well have fun if he doesn't get to have kids. I hate the person he becomes now when he is drinking. If staying together means this is the person he will be, then I imagine I won't be a very happy person either.

So right now I can't see a compromise for us, and I have been losing sleep and crying a lot.

I wanted to share our story, because other people's stories have helped me understand what my husband has been going through, and what pain might lie ahead for us if we decide to stay together.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories, and thank you to Sue for starting this conversation.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon Sept. 23, I'm sorry you're going through this. People do change. I hope your husband's drunken reaction doesn't last long, and you can both reach some peace on this issue. Something I have come to accept is that it was my responsibility, not my husband's, that I don't have kids. And it will not be yours if you and your husband stay together and never have children. He knew how you felt from the beginning, and it's his responsibility to decide what he's going to do about it. If he's going to be a butthead about it forever, you have the option of kicking him out. None of this is good, but it's reality.

Anon, I would really appreciate it if you could also comment at the blog's new location so more people can read it. As listed above, it's http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. You can find the post by date or title using the search function. Thanks.