Toddlers, dogs, what's the difference?

I've been reading old journal entries about my experiences with my stepdaughter's children when they were young. On one particular occasion, I note that they ran screaming into the house and within minutes were into everything. Nothing was safe. In no time, Brandon, the youngest, had unscrewed the knob off the cover on my piano. As soon as I got that out of his sticky hands, he grabbed my stapler and refused to give it back. Meanwhile, Stephanie was rearranging all the papers on my desk.

How is that different from my 11-month-old pups, who have grown considerably larger than the puppy in my profile picture? They don't scream, but they do run full-out into the house, and within minutes they're into something: papers set aside to recycle, laundry that hasn't been folded yet, my husband's shoes, and their favorite, anything made of cloth or paper.

The other night, I came out of my office to find papers scattered all over the floor, giant claw marks in our new tablecloth, and Annie, the blonde, sitting on the big chair, with potholders and napkins spread out before her like a banquet. After screaming at the dogs, I hollered at the husband about how he should have been watching "the kids." He got mad and closed himself up in his office.

This, I imagine, happens in homes with toddlers, too.

I know dogs are not the same as children. They won't grow up, move away and hopefully take care of themselves when they reach adulthood. But at this age, they're both discovering the world and don't understand why I keep prying things out of their mouths.

Would I rather have children? Not at 56. I don't even plan to have puppies again. I just can't run fast enough. But a couple of grandchildren who actually look like me? I'd go for that in a heartbeat.

Grandma Sue?

In doing research for my book, I've been reading articles about stepgrandmothers. The articles seem to come from fairyland. I read about the wonderful things one can do with the offspring of one's stepchildren and think, yeah, right. Set up opportunities to get to know them. Take them out to the movies, have them stay overnight, telephone and write letters or e-mails, have long heart-to-heart talks, get involved in their soccer games, doll play, or whatever they're interested in.

It all sounds very nice, but it never happened for me. Not having been a mother or even been around children much, I had no idea how to go about courting my stepdaughter Gretchen's kids. Plus, we've always lived at a distance. Because Gretchen was divorced from the children's father when they were little, whenever we visited there was a good chance they were with their father. Or they might be with one of their real grandmothers. They had two grandmothers and two great-grandmothers when they were young. Grandma Sue was just the woman married to Grandpa Fred.

I was only 34 when Stephanie was born, 35 when Brandon arrived 14 months later. My training was in writing and music, not early childhood relations. I truly "didn't know nothin' 'bout babies." Maybe if I'd had those articles then, things would have been different. I could have been more like my Grandma Rachel, who was also a childless stepgrandmother. She married Grandpa Fagalde a few years after Grandma Clara died. Rachel dove into grandmotherhood full-force. She showered us with gifts, took great interest in our lives and made us feel loved to the nth degree. She was big, loud and eccentric, but we loved her. To us kids, she was our grandma.

I wish I could have been that kind of grandma. I know women who adore their stepgrandchildren. In fact, they never use that "step" word. But it's too late for me to start over. If I ran into my adult stepgrandchildren on the street, I'm not sure they'd recognize me.

How is it for you? Have you had the strange experience of becoming a grandmother without ever being a mother? Do you have a warm, fuzzy relationship with the kids or is it awkward and distant? I'd love to know.

Childless by circumstance?

In her book What No Baby?, Australian author Leslie Cannold maintains that many women are "childless by circumstance." They wanted to have children, but life worked against them. In today's world, says Cannold, young woman, and also men, are busy getting their educations and building their careers in their most fertile years. They believe that good parents spend time with their children, but if they take that time away from work, they will lose everything they have worked for and never achieve their career goals. Although women are the ones who are usually expected to stay home with the children, men worry about these things, too. In a world where people who work only 40 hours a week are considered slackers, who has time to parent? Although some men are merely selfish, many who decline to become fathers are afraid they won't be able to bear the financial burdens or that they won't be good fathers. If the wife quits to become a full-time mom, will the man be able to support the family alone in today's economy? What if he loses his job? What if they get divorced?

Cannold insists that people who are childless by circumstance, in other words who are not infertile and have not consciously chosen to be childfree, are not childless by choice. She suggests that major changes are needed in society's attitudes and in the workplace to make it possible for people to work and properly care for families, too. Otherwise, the numbers of people who never have children will continue to increase.

What do you think? Does everyone have a choice? Do you?

On our own and free

I expected to spend Christmas curled up crying because we had no family around, just the pups, but it was surprisingly enjoyable. At one point, all of the stepchildren claimed they were coming to spend the holiday with us, but Gretchen and Ted couldn't get the time off or the money to pay for the trip, and Michael was snowed in. Due to my husband's illness, we couldn't go south to California to visit the family. Sad? I thought it would be, but it was great. Not that we don't love and miss the family. We did talk to them on the phone, but we were freed of the usual Christmas obligations. We got up late, opened our gifts slowly, then went out to eat at a fancy restaurant. Our table overlooked the ocean, and it felt very romantic. Plus I didn't have to cook or wash dishes. Later we played with our Christmas presents, just like we used to do when we were kids and had no obligations.

Friends braved snow and ice to get to their kids and grandkids. They spent a fortune on gifts and worried about getting it all done. It we had children, we would have done likewise. Like my friends, nothing would have kept me away from my offspring. But we put everything in the mail early and relaxed.

I noticed a lot of people with white hair at the restaurant. I guess by not having kids around, we jumped a generation to do what seniors do. It's not so bad.

The only negative: One of the dogs' collars lay in the grass, chewed in half,when we got home. Where is the other half? Did his sister eat it? I looked for an hour and didn't find it. It's a lot like leaving toddlers at home alone. So today we're buying Chico a new collar and a spare for Annie. Meanwhile both dogs are running around naked. From everything I hear about small children, there isn't much difference between them and puppies, except you can't leave kids out in the back yard with bowls of Puppy Chow.

However you spent your holidays, I hope they were peaceful and full of blessings. If you are grieving over a lack of children, try to live in the moment and enjoy the good things you do have. What is, is. I wish you a fun New Year's holiday and a happy 2009.

Can you talk about it?

Tiffany Lee Brown wrote a great article for Oregon Humanities about how her friends and relatives don't seem to want to talk about childlessness. It stops a conversation cold. Meanwhile, they flaunt their babies and children and grandchildren without realizing that it's hard for people who can't have kids to be around them. This is a great piece which you may identify with, especially at this time of year. Try http://www.magdalen.com/2008/11/oregon-humanities-bubble-of-silence.html for more information on how to find a copy.

While we're on the subject of writing about childlessness, I'm currently reading What, No Baby? by Australian author Leslie Cannold. I'll give a fuller report when I'm finished, but this is a good look at women who are childless by circumstance. They grew up thinking they would have children, but ran out of time, picked a man who didn't want children or couldn't figure out how to combine babies with their careers. It's a bit on the scholarly side, footnotes and such, but it's a very good study of exactly the kind of women I'm writing about. We are not infertile and we are not exactly childless by choice. It just happened. For some, it's a tragedy, while for others, it turns out to be a relief. Ask for a Christmas gift certificate to buy a copy.

Enjoy the holidays. No matter what your situation, there's surely something to be glad about. Don't worry about what might be or might have been; just enjoy what is.

Tidbits for the Christmas stocking

The holidays can be tough for folks dealing with childlessness. We're surrounded by advertising showing happy families with lots of kids around the Christmas tree and all the great gifts we can buy them. Other people's children are putting on their Christmas pageants and making little gifts. I suppose they're using computers instead of construction paper and paste these days, but I don't have kids, so I don't know. Anyway, I found a couple things online I thought you might enjoy.

On the serious side, Carol Caldwell offers thoughts about being childless in a church full of moms at her blog, No, I Did Not Forget to Have Children. She has some good ideas for coping during the holiday season and throughout the year.

And for fun, one of my childless friends, Tiffany, is offering gift certificates for the tarot readings she gives as Miss Magdalen. Says Tiff, "A number of my tarot clients are specifically dealing with biological clock, baby, and infertility issues. Wouldn't you or one of your loved ones simply adore getting a genuine, proper Tarot reading as a holiday gift? Why yes, you would! My psychic powers predict it. Readings may be redeemed in person or over the phone.

"I've been reading Tarot for nearly two decades and I'm now applying my spooky powers toward fundraising purposes. all proceeds benefit the non-profit arts and literary organization 2GQ -- specifically, computer related expenses -- and my work-in-progress, The Easter Island Project -- specifically, expenses for related travels to San Francisco, Seattle, and of course, Easter Island, Chile, in the South Pacific.
Please see http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16965841 for more info & to purchase your gift certificate. Let the mystical mayhem begin!"

So, hey, if you're wondering whether the future holds the pitter-patter of tiny feet or puppy paws, check it out.

Christmas is two weeks away. Enjoy all the good stuff and let the rest go.








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I Didn't Know How

My stepdaughter Gretchen took offense at recent postings referring to her. She was hurt that I didn't use her name, although I was simply trying to protect her from embarrassment. Then she went on a rant about how I wasn't involved enough with her and her children, especially when the kids were young. She talked about how her own mother took the kids home with her for long periods and spent lots of time with them. When I explained that her father was an obstacle to me being a hands-on mom/grandma, that her mother had first dibs, and that the kids were often with their own father, she said I could have worked around all that. As I pondered this, my own feelings greatly hurt, I began to realize that perhaps I didn't become one of those huggy grandma types because I didn't know how to interact with kids. Not only have I never had my own, but I haven't had much opportunity to be around children. Mine has always been an all-adult life. Dogs, I get. Children, not so much. So if I didn't charge in and create a close relationship, I'm sorry. I thought I did pretty well, considering. I do know this; parenting is tough, and step-parenting is even harder.
One of my missions in this blog and my other writing is to make people understand that women who don't have children miss a lot in life, including learning how to take care of them. Sorry, Gretchen.

***
A while back, I talked about men's views of childlessness. I just finished reading a book called Nobody's Father: Life Without Kids, an anthology edited by Canadians Lynne Van Luven and Bruce Gillespie. It's a good book. I can recommend it, although I'm not sure it gets to the heart of why so many men don't want to have children. Among those writing here, quite a few are gay or were in marriages where they couldn't conceive or carry a baby to term. Only a few say they just didn't want to have kids. Men don't seem to talk about these things with the same emotion that women do. The general view is, "I didn't have kids because of X. Next subject."

There, now I have probably offended Gretchen and any men that might be reading this blog.