Last Sunday, I had one singer in my church choir for the
early Mass. Everyone else had gone out of town to be with grandchildren. Cathy
and I, not mothers or grandmothers, stayed behind. This is not unusual. Most of
our singers are over 60, and most of them are grandparents. Although they like
to sing and are devoted to the church, when it’s a choice between the baby and
the music, the baby wins every time.
I can’t blame them. If my life were different, if I had children
and grandchildren, I’d want to be with them, too. I might live somewhere else
to be near them, and I might not have this choir director job that keeps me
busy every weekend. I’d be busy with the kids. Or maybe not. Some families
don’t get along, don’t live close to each other, don’t find time to be in each
other’s lives.
I definitely see the charm of these new little people and
feel left out sometimes. Monday was my birthday. I spent it alone. It was not
terrible. I drove out of town, did some shopping, had an expensive lunch
overlooking the ocean, sat on the beach, and hiked in a wildlife preserve. I
got lots of calls and texts wishing me Happy Birthday. But if there were
children or grandchildren, maybe I’d have been one of those moms at the restaurant
surrounded by their family. I’d be the matriarch looking at the ever-growing
dynasty that began with me and my husband: the children, grandchildren,
great-grandchildren, their spouses and their in-laws. Heck, maybe we’d need a
whole banquet room. But then I wouldn’t have been able to sit on the beach,
write, take pictures and relax. Or enjoy my crab-stuffed salmon in peace. So
don’t feel sorry for me.
You who are reading this are probably younger than me, so
things may be different when you’re in your 60s. A recent AARP article gave
statistics for what they see as “the new grandmothers.” They say 47 is the
average age of the first-time grandparent and 62 percent are still working.
Those numbers are bound to change with the next generation as they did for the
one before me. My mother and my grandmother quit working paid jobs in their
early 20s when they got pregnant with their first children. Honestly, at my age
they were a lot older. They’d never run off on their own like I did.
Today many women don’t get pregnant until their late 30s or
early 40s, so they’ll be much older if/when the grandchildren come. A higher
percentage will be still working. And at least a fifth, possibly a quarter, of
today’s young women are not having children, so fewer of them will be running
off to hang out with the grandkids. People without children will feel less left
out because they’ll have plenty of company.
Cathy and I, the non-moms, rocked those songs at church. One
of the fussiest people in our parish sent me a note saying the music was just
beautiful on Sunday. So there.
