If you marry someone older, does that mean no kids?

A comment on a recent post--Will he change his mind? Sept. 18--made me wonder how many of us are married to people who are substantially older than we are. The woman who commented yesterday said her husband was 20 years older. He had been married twice before and had one daughter. Now, a few years into the marriage, they're not only not having children, but they're not having sex either. She's thinking about leaving him in the hope she can find someone else and become a mom.

You might want to take another look at the link I posted Wednesday to that great article about how if we marry an older man, we'll end up childless, sex starved and cutting his toenails. It's funny, but the author makes some serious points.

My first husband was only 3 1/2 years older, but that marriage didn't last. Fred was 15 years older. I admit in my book that he was sometimes kind of a father figure. He had three kids from his first marriage and didn't want any more, but he was still a fabulous husband, and I'm not sorry I married him. However, in the end, I did give up children and wound up taking care of him.

Does marrying an older man (or woman) mean you won't have kids? Not necessarily. Two of my older male friends married substantially younger women and both couples had babies together.

It's a risk. If you marry someone who is more than a decade older, he may not seem old now, but he will always be at a different place in his life than you are, and he will become a senior citizen, with retirement and possible health problems, long before you do. He may well not want to be still parenting in his 50s, 60s or 70s.

So what's the answer? I think it varies with every couple. What do you think? Does hooking up with an older partner make it likely you'll never have children?

New book Being Fruitful Without Multiplying is out now

A new book called Being Fruitful Without Multiplying has just been released in paperback and e-book formats. It’s a collaboration of several authors who write about their fulfilling lives without children. My copy is on the way. Help them out and order a copy. (While you’re at it, buy a copy of Childless by Marriage, too). They’ve got a Facebook group you might want to visit. Just look for "Being Fruitful without Multiplying." I haven't read the book yet, but I think it will help us all feel better about not having children.

Here are a couple of other fun links to click on. 

Try this new piece titled "Single and Childless: Can We Just Move On?" by "Savvy Auntie" Melanie Notkin at the Huffington Post.

The headline alone on this one cracked me up. "Never Marry an Older Man. You'll End Up Childless, Sex-Starved and Cutting his Toenails." I don't want to insult my late husband, but um, yes, that might happen. :-) If you marry an older man, it might be fine when you're both in the prime of life, but somebody he might get old. On the other hand, there are benefits to marrying an actual grownup. 

Enjoy.

Mothering my husband, continued

My last post, on taking care of my husband, who has Alzheimer's Disease, generated some great comments. Thank you to all. I don't walk around thinking about my childless state all the time, but I couldn't help noticing the parallels when Fred was in the hospital, the feeding, the diapers, his inability to talk.

I thought not only about how he was like a baby, but also how caring for him was similar in some ways to taking care of Annie, my dog--and I do have a lot of practice with dogs. Annie would react in panic if anyone tried to hold her down and do anything to her body. Just try clipping her nails. She can't speak to tell me where she hurts, and she can't understand when I tell her everything will be all right.

Sometimes I feel alone in this journey, but I'm not really. I have been in support groups, I have been in therapy, I have great friends. I exercise, and I really try to take good care of myself. For the most part, I'm on my own now. Except during crises, I only see Fred once a week for a few hours. It's a 150-mile round trip to his nursing home.

I made that trip last week to take him to the doctor. This was not like taking care of a child, unless that child is blind and brain-damaged. I had to do all the talking and help Fred through every moment of our visit. Just getting him to lie on the table was a huge challenge. But it was a good visit. This is a new doctor for us, and he really seemed to listen and to care.

Having a husband with Alzheimer's (and other diseases that take people away a little at a time) is hard. But I'm glad I can take care of Fred. I have to remember everything he gave me over our years together. Everything I have and much of what I have been able to accomplish over the last 25 years I owe to him.

Marrying an older man brings an added risk that he will become ill or die long before you do. I knew that going in. It would be nice to have children to help me and to help him, but I don't. Instead, I have good friends.

Bringing things back to childlessness, I was in an online group for a while, but most of the members seemed to be older than I am, and they spent a lot of time talking about their children and grandchildren. When they started posting tons of photos,I bailed. Whatever we do, we're still the ones without kids.