An elderly cancer patient in North Carolina called 911
recently to ask someone to buy him some food. He’s what a new study is calling
an “elder orphan,” one of more and more older people who have no kids, no
spouse, and no one to take care of them.
The study by Maria Torroella Carney, MD, shows that nearly one-quarter of Americans over age 65 are currently or at risk
to become “Elder orphans.” It’s a growing population that is often invisible to
the people around them, alone in their houses struggling to survive. One-third of
older Americans are single, a 50 percent increase since 1980. The latest census
figures show 19 percent of American women are ending their childbearing years
without children. Thus they wind up alone.
I’m very much in danger of being one of those people. I live
alone in the woods with no husband and no kids. My family is small and far
away. I do have friends and helpful neighbors, but I have a hard time calling
on them for help.
Just like my dad. My father is 93 years old and has lived
alone in the house in San Jose where I grew up since my mom died in 2002. My brother
and I do our best to help, but neither one of us lives nearby. Dad has heart
problems, struggles to walk since he broke his hip last year, and falls way too
often. He puts off going to the doctor or renewing his many medications
because, although he can still drive, he doesn’t understand the medical system
very well and the Kaiser Hospital where he goes is so crowded there’s no nearby
parking. His house is falling apart around him because he can’t do the
maintenance anymore, and his cooking is . . . interesting.
I just returned from San Jose (Did you miss me?). I had
planned for a vacation-type visit, but the day before I left, Dad’s doctor
decided he needed to have his pacemaker replaced immediately. So I took him to
the hospital, interacted with doctors and nurses, picked up his prescriptions,
and played caregiver again. He's fine. But what if I wasn’t there?
Have I told you about Dad’s fall last August? He went down
in the backyard. Broke his hip. Crawled all the way across the yard, through
the garage and out to the driveway, where he lay waving his hat until a
neighbor saw him. This took hours. Thank God the garage door was open. I could
not have stopped him from falling, but I could have prevented the torture that
followed. I spent a month taking care of him, but then I had to come home. feel so guilty, but he wants me to live my life, and he wants to
live his. He’s proud of being independent. He’d rather die alone in his
backyard than in some senior facility.
Let me tell you about Dick and Ann. They’re in their late
80s. Ann is nearly blind. Dick, a burly guy with a strong Massachusetts accent,
has been suffering from all kinds of health problems, including pneumonia,
heart disease, and legs that just don’t want to work. Ann has a son somewhere,
but he’s not around. Their neighbors, friends from our church, take care of
them. They drive them around, make sure they have food, and take them to their
doctors’ appointments. They do the same for an old woman on their block who
lives alone. My friend Cathy even manages her finances because she can’t do them
anymore, and the one time her son took over the checkbook, she wound up missing
$5,000.
What I’m saying is having kids does not guarantee you won’t
become an elder orphan. My brother and I call Dad every week. When something
happens with him, we both get there as quickly as we can, but that may not be
quickly enough. And we’re not there for the day-to-day needs, the cooking,
cleaning, shopping, and just keeping him company. When I visit Dad, he talks
and talks, like he’s been saving it up for years. When I leave, I feel
incredibly guilty.
My friend Terry, who is about 60, has a plan. She has three grown
children and a husband with some serious health issues, but she expects to be
alone eventually. Her plan is to rent out her extra bedrooms to other women and
create a “Golden Girls” household where they share the house and watch over
each other. It sounds good to me. I think I’ll be “Dorothy,” the sensible one.
What I’m saying is that kids or no kids, we’re in danger of
ending up alone in our elder years. But if we don’t have children, it’s more
likely to happen. We need to make plans. Set up an advance directive and power
of attorney. Choose someone who will manage things for us if we can’t. Reach
out to other people who can help. It’s hard. I’m not good at asking for help,
and I want to control everything. But I know who to call, and I’ve got in
writing. You should do the same. Someday I’m hoping to move someplace less
isolated, but meanwhile, since I don’t think my dog can dial 911, I have to
take care of myself. So should you.
To read about the study, visit "Aging Baby Boomers, Childless and Unmarried At Risk of Becoming 'Elder Orphans.' and "Elder Orphans: Childless, Unmarried Baby Boomers Warned to Prepare for Future."
I’d love to hear your comments on this.
