What is this, 1914?
A reader asked me
that the other day after I advised a childless woman to stick with the man she
had rather than get divorced in her 40s in the hope of finding another guy with
whom she could have children. I tried to explain that at her age, the odds of
finding another Mr. Right and getting pregnant were lousy. She was not happy
with my advice.
I flip-flopped with the next commenter, who was in her
early 30s. I told her to go for it.
Today, I received a comment from a woman whose fiance of 13 years just told her he has decided he doesn't want kids. I told her to keep talking.
You can read about all of this in “If You Disagree About Children, is Your Relationship Doomed?”
Nearly every day, I receive comments from people, mostly
women, who don’t know what to do. Their mate is unable or unwilling to have
children with them. They may have said they would be happy to have babies
before, but now they don’t want to. Often there are stepchildren who make
things more complicated. The couple either fights about it all the time or they
can’t talk about it. What should they do?
Dear God, I wish I knew.
My friends, I am not the goddess of all wisdom. I wish I
could solve your problems, but I’m human. My views are necessarily tainted by
my own experiences and by the fact that I’m Catholic, white and was raised in
California by traditional parents of western European heritage in the 1950s and
‘60s. I’m also very practical. I don’t believe in diving out of a boat where
you might be unhappy but at least you won’t drown in the hope that another,
more beautiful boat will happen along. I also believe that most of us are lucky
to meet one perfect life partner in a lifetime. If this is old-fashioned, so be
it.
When I was a kid, back in the pre-birth control days,
couples who were unable to have children stuck together. Often they adopted,
but not always. People who simply didn’t want children either didn’t get
married or they sucked it up and had them anyway because if you were having sex
it was a lot harder to avoid. It was also more difficult to get a divorce. Things
seemed simpler. You fell in love, you got married, and you had babies. Were
some people brutally unhappy, feeling totally trapped? I’m sure they were.
But it is not 1914 or even 1954. It’s a new century in which
nearly anything is possible. With so many choices, it’s hard to know what to
do. I need your help. Feel free to respond to comments at any of the posts here with your own advice and
experiences. Together we’ll figure it out.
