Blogger Lesley Pyne offers childless readers “Small Steps to Healing”

Every now and then I receive comments from people, mostly women, who are struggling so hard with their childless state that I really worry about them. In some cases, I’m even afraid they might be thinking about killing themselves. That sounds melodramatic, but when I read comments like “I can’t go on” and “I just don’t see how I can live with this,” warning bells go off in my head. I have written before about how sometimes it might be a good idea to seek professional help. See “When You Can’t Bear the Childless Grief Alone.” I’m not a counselor; I’m a writer, and I have been in therapy off and on for years. It can be very helpful.

I received an email earlier this month from Lesley Pyne, a woman in the UK who has experienced involuntary childlessness herself and has set up a blog at http://www.lesleypyne.co.uk/news-blog to help other childless women. She is also offering some one-on-one counseling and workshops. She asked me to share her blog and her services with my readers here. My first reaction was no. I thought: She’s treating childlessness as a disability or a disease. Yes, we experience loss and grief, but doesn’t everybody have something they feel bad about? And yes, those who have been unable to conceive or lost babies through miscarriages and stillbirths must suffer far more than I can imagine. But are we making it worse by turning it into a handicap?

However, I’ve been reading the blog, and I can see how it might help people deal with their situations, especially those who are not comfortable with the idea or the cost of going to see a therapist. The “Small Steps to Healing” that Pyle recommends really do look helpful. She also offers a lot of resources and information on childlessness. If you just don’t know what to do with yourself, give it a try. It might help you to find a new way of looking at things, especially if you’re in a situation where you’re trying to decide what to do about your marriage or your efforts to conceive.

And remember, we’re always here for you and you’re welcome to comment or share your stories anonymously. You can also find more links and tips at my Childless by Marriage Facebook page. You do not have to go through this alone.

When You Can’t Bear the Childless Grief Alone

This is a touchy subject, one that may make you reach for the mouse to close this blog, but please don’t do it yet. Stay with me for a few paragraphs.

At least once a week, I get a comment to this blog that leads me to cautiously, timidly suggest that maybe the writer might benefit from seeking counseling. I am not implying that they are crazy, but I am saying it might help to talk to a professional psychologist, psychiatrist or family counselor. People are very sensitive about this, so I hesitate to say it, but sometimes I feel I have to. These commenters say things like “I see no reason for living” or “I just can’t go on” or “I can’t remember the last time I felt happy.” These are red flags that a person may be suffering from depression.

There’s no shame in struggling to deal with grief or confusion over facing the possibility--or the certainty--of being childless. It hurts. It’s a loss, just as much as if someone had died. If you didn’t feel sad, that would be unusual. If it’s weighing you down to the point where you can’t get up in the morning day after day, not just once in a while, maybe you could benefit from finding an impartial professional to talk to.

I’ve been in counseling off and on over the years. The first time, I was coming out of an abusive relationship and found myself too depressed to function. I had given my heart and soul to this man, and he trampled all over it. Having no money, I called the county mental health department and got an appointment with a counselor. That first session, this kind woman made me feel so much better simply by listening to what I’d been through and letting me know it was not my fault. She took the burden off my shoulders. Many years later, a wise counselor helped me work through my husband’s illness and death. Believe me when I say it’s okay to get help.

Many readers here are struggling to figure out what to do. They are often in a situation where their partners are refusing to have children or there’s a medical problem, and they don’t know whether to leave that person or stay and accept that they’ll never have kids. This is a horrible choice in which no one will come out happy. You could talk to your parents, your siblings, your friends, or your co-workers, but they’re all biased. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who can see all sides of the problem, who will let you say anything you want in complete confidentially, and help you work through your decisions.

There are various kinds of counselors. Psychiatrists are doctors who are licensed to dispense medication. Psychologists are PhDs trained in mental health and counseling. Licensed clinical social workers and marriage and family therapists have master's degrees and clinical training in counseling. I see a psychiatric nurse practitioner who not only can prescribe meds but also does hypnosis, biofeedback, art therapy and many other techniques. She also gives good hugs. Most insurances cover psychiatric care to some extent. I have never paid more than a minimal co-pay. Ask your primary care doctor for a referral. There are also government agencies and groups such as Catholic Charities that can help if money is a problem. It’s a hard phone call to make, but you can do it.

This is a huge subject for which I have barely touched the surface. Here are links to more information. “Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal”  provides solid information about what therapy is and the types available. “Symptoms of Depression” from WebMD will help you understand the difference between ordinary sadness and depression.

What do you think about all this? I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

I don't have children, but I do have . . .

My dear friends,
I stayed up late last night reading and responding to a comment on one of my earliest posts, one that seems to strike a chord in so many people that it has more comments than any other. As you can read here (scroll up a couple to Anonymous Aug. 18), this commenter felt so depressed about her lack of children that she felt she couldn't go on. She has a husband and three live-in stepchildren. Her husband is reluctantly willing to have more children, but her pregnancies have all ended in miscarriages. Now her doctor is telling her she's too old.

It's a sad situation. I get quite a few comments and emails like this, and I'm not sure how to help other than to offer condolences and prayers and suggest they seek counseling. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, just a childless writer who has lived through some hard things. I have also been in counseling for years. There is no shame in it. If the first person you see isn't helping, find someone else.

I have days when I don't want to go on either. Yesterday was one of them, but this morning, despite the drippy fog outside, I feel good again. I slept well and had a nice dream, it's Saturday, and I have a cinnamon roll waiting for my breakfast. When all else fails, please count the big and little blessings in your life. Can you walk, talk, see, hear? Some people can't, and they go on. Do you have a husband or partner who loves you? A home? Work? Enough money to buy groceries? Some don't, and they go on. Even the smallest blessing can help: the taste of a cup of hot coffee or a sandwich or a piece of cake, the smell of a rose, a favorite TV show, a song, a new pair of shoes, sunset over the ocean . . .

A few days ago, I asked if you could say, "I'm never going to be a mother." Some can, some can't. But now I challenge you to finish this sentence: "I don't have children, but I do have ____________________.