Here at Childless by Marriage, one reader after another
reports the same problem: One partner wants kids and the other does not. Period.
End of discussion. If infertility is an issue, there are ways to work around it,
such as in vitro, surrogates, donors, or adoption, but no. They don’t want to
talk about it. I always encourage readers to keep the conversation going, but I
had a tight-lipped first husband who wouldn’t discuss it either, so I
understand if you keep running into a dead end.
Why are some people so sure they don’t want children? Let’s
look at possible reasons:
- ·They hate children--Kids are needy, whiny and sticky.
- Money--Raising children is too darned expensive.
- Conflicts with existing kids--They already have children from a previous relationship. Between child support, dealing with the ex and taking care of these kids, they can’t imagine bringing more children into their lives.
- Fear--of pain, conflicts, cost, life changes, and passing on physical or emotional problems.
- Age—They don’t want to be the oldest parent on the soccer field.
- Career—Having kids will totally screw it up.
- Freedom—They want to do whatever they please whenever they please.
- Marriage—Will having children ruin their relationship? Will the wife focus all her attention on the kids? Will they fight over how to raise them? Will they never have sex again?
- Inadequacy—They’d be a lousy father or mother.
- Responsibility—Don’t want it.
- Overpopulation—The world has too many people already.
- Messed up world—Why subject a child to wars, terrorism, climate change and a culture gone to hell?
Do any of these sound familiar? Can you add anything to the
list? Do you think it’s possible to change their minds? I’d love to read your
comments.
9 comments:
He started wanting children, I didn't. After a few years of discussion and serious thinking, I discovered it was the idea of babies and toddlers I hated. I like kids when they are about 6 and up. He didn't care what age or how we got the, he just wanted kids, so we got certified and adopted two little girls from foster care. He got kids, I got to avoid pregnancy and babies and we gave a home to two children.
Anon, that sounds like a perfect solution. I'm happy for you and your husband.
In my fourth year of marriage, during marriage counseling, my husband told me he never wanted me to have children because of my auto immune disease. I divorced him because we had agreed on children, we had picked out names. One unsuccessful relationship after another led to me missing my window. I never did get to have a child. But I have a stepson who lost his mother at a young age. We love each other so much. Jumping in as a parent of a teenager is very hard. But to hear him wish me my first happy mothers day was priceless, absolutely priceless. My ex has been married twice after me and he plans on having children. Sometimes I hate him for what he did to me. But now I have my wonderful stepson who I never would have met if it wasn't for my ex. My husband now is pretty awesome too. I love my boys like crazy. So, happy ending!
Anon, I'm so glad you had a happy ending. As for your ex, big raspberry.
I did have children and am happy for it and love them to death, but boy was it hard when they were little. And they were little for a long time. And now they are mostly grown and busy. Since I'm divorced, I don't really have that sense of belonging to a family. With the one who's still home, it's mostly "hi mom, bye mom." I'm not even sure my kids will be around to help me if I need help when I'm older. And financially, I don't have enough saved for retirement. Kids are very expensive. I guess I'm saying that life just isn't perfect no matter what path we're on. And with the reality of climate change finally sinking into our collective psyche, I'm not sure I'd make the decision to have kids if I were young now. I'd have to really think about it. NASA's website has useful climate change information. My parallel to your situation is thinking that life would be so much better if I were married. Maybe it would be overall better. Or maybe it wouldn't. Hard to say.
I was lucky enough to fall in love in my mid-twenties with a man who, like me, was somewhat leaning against having children. I was pretty sure I didn't want children, having had, since childhood, a feeling that motherhood probably wasn't for me. But after we married, I wanted to wait a few years before making a final decision to see if my feelings, or his, would change. They didn't. What happened next was a series of vivid dreams in which I would inexplicably find myself six or seven months pregnant, too late to change my mind, horrified and terrified, and trying desperately to convince myself that having a baby would be okay while knowing it would not. At least twice I woke up clutching my belly. Husband and self are now in our sixties, happily married and childless. I know that by not having children, we gave up some wonderful things. And I know my sisters will have the support of their children as they age, and I won't have that special kind of support. But I remain convinced that I made the right decision for me, and my husband feels the same way. My childhood was happy, my mother is warm and wonderful, and I really can't explain why I knew I didn't want to become a mother while my sisters wanted to be, and are, great mothers. I do know that especially after those dreams, anyone who might have tried to persuade me to have a baby would not have been successful. To the list of reasons why some people don't want children, I'd have to add "Unexplainable but extremely strong gut-level knowledge that having children would be a huge mistake."
I feel like I am the only woman in the world who started out not wanting children, grew to change my mind, and had my husband on several occasions scream at me that I can't change my mind. He expects me to be around and support all of his friends families and everytime, I die a little more inside. I am scared for my future in aging, lonely, and just sad I married someone like this.
Anonymous July 22, see Anonymous July 21 and today's blog post. You are so not alone. I know you're scared and sad, but it can work out. For me, I thought I'd never have children anyway after my first marriage blew up. I was alone, thought I always would be. Then I met my second husband and was so grateful to have him I agreed way too quickly to not having kids. Of course I changed my mind. Hang in there.
Anon. July 21 and July 20, thank you so much for sharing this. Virtual applause coming your way. Can you feel it through cyberspace?
He has a low sex drive, whilst mine is in overdrive. 😟 So as much as he says he wars children, he also refuses to touch me....we could go for months on a dry spell.....I love my husband but I don't know what to do anymore...how can you say you want to be a father and then not want to 'put in the work' to make it happen??
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