Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Don't hide your childless tears from your partner
"My god, I cried and cried reading your post as I sit here in the dark outside grieving for what will never be. I love my partner and I hate him a little too because he doesn't want children and I am left bound by that decision. I feel my time running out and wish every single day he would change his mind but he is unwavering in his decision. And at the same time I can barely acknowledge this pain and grief to myself because I am terrified of it consuming me. This is the first time I have ever really sat down and let it all wash over me. I can't stop crying. I don't know how I am going to walk inside and pretend I'm okay because he doesn't understand."
One of my earliest posts, "Are Your Grieving Over Your Lack of Children," published Nov. 7, 2007, still draws more comments than any other. The comment above is the most recent. It brings back memories for me. I too hid my grief from my husband. I cried in the bathtub, in the car, or in the garage, but not in front of Fred. Oh no. Mustn't make him feel bad or risk making him mad. But looking back, I think that was wrong. I should have showed how I felt instead of hiding my feelings and hoping some kind of miracle would occur.
I am also bothered by her statement, "I am left bound by that decision." Is she? It's so hard to see a situation clearly when we're in the middle of it. We can't see any way out, we think we have no options, but we do. To Anonymous, I say reopen the conversation. You can agree to disagree, but don't hide your feelings. They count as much as his.
I don't cry all the time anymore. Sometimes I just curse and kick things, but when you're at the time of life when you see your chances of parenthood disappearing with every passing day, it hurts like hell. Losing your chance to have children is a big loss, and we don't need to hide it. If people don't like it, too bad.
I'd love to hear your comments.
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21 comments:
I am in the crying all the time stage. I have ups and downs so the water works aren't always on. I am in a down time now and it is a struggle. The tiniest things set me off. My parish had a trip to Rome and the priest brought home St Gerard medals blessed by the Pope for anyone who is a mother or will be a mother. Just call the office and he would get you one and do a blessing. It is so small and I feel so selfish but that is what your brought back for the parish?
I hope I move out of my down time soon and get back into not crying all the time. Life is better there and I hope that as time goes on, more time is spent there.
But for now, that is not the case. Kids are shoved in my face all the time and people all around are having kids and here I am. Not going to happen. No one is going to look like me or take after me. No one is going to have my eyes or my face. No fun days of finding out what I am having or reaching all the milestones of life. A lot of people on here comment that it does get easier for a while-once you're past the everyone having a baby stage. I hope that is true.
I'm sure my husband wishes I did hide my tears. I pretty much punished him every 28 days. If I was going to have a miserable period for no reason... He was going to be miserable with me. I am not one who hides my emotions or can keep my mouth shut. But over time it just got old and it wasn't making him change his mind any. We pretty much came to the understanding that I would forever resent him and that wouldn't change just like he wasn't going to change and we just moved on from there. I will never understand why the love of my life didn't want the same things as me. He is an awesome man who loves me dearly. I truly have never been loved like this before from anyone, even after 30'years of marriage. I just couldn't ever see leaving him when there was no guarantees that I could even have children.
Anonymouses, thanks for sharing your comments. Clearly there will be tears and sometimes you'll just have to cry, even if you have decided to stay with your guy because you love him. Hang in there. It will get easier.
Hi Sue, I had a meltdown last night on this very subject...we are on vacation and my DH keeps saying that his son would like this or such-and-such would be perfect for his son. The fact that his son is 35 married with his own 2 kids and (extremely demanding) wife seem to not enter his fantasy formula. Finally yesterday I'd had enough and began to cry alone; I debated, do I tell him how painful it is because I don't have my own child to fantasize that they will return with me to this lovely place and create special memories. Or do I keep it all in...? My DH is terrible at comforting, often turning taking my pain and making it about him. Eventually he asked me if I was ok and I just let it out. Hot tears and words that rip my soul apart. But I felt like it was a disservice to him if I didn't tell him. He may not be a great comforter and he may say clumsy ineffective words of comfort making it about him but in his own way he loves me to the best that he knows how, and for that reason alone I spilled. And naturally his first words were comparing me and my childless situation to his grandmother who married his recently widowed grandfather and mothered his very young children as though they were her children. (Implying I should/could be more like her) I didn't expect much in the way of comfort, and I didn't get much. He continued on until he was on a roll mentioning every member of his family and not a word about my grief or how faithful God is or how the plan God has for me must be so different and special (among the usual things I tell myself), then I interrupted him... I requested that he quit talking about his family and that he bring me a cold wet washcloth for my headache. I also told him that his going on and on about his son was like sharp glass poking my heart. I didn't hold back. After I requested that he shut up about his family, he was at a loss for words and said nothing, although I could tell he prayed for me. He went to sleep; I lay there sobbing, more or less demanding God to hold me since He could have fixed this situation but opted not to, since He held the answers that I sought, since He was the only One on earth that knew the precision and depth of merciless suffering I endure from those around me who quite unknowingly rub salt in my childless status wound. Oh I believe that you and the many other childless folks do grasp the level of unbearable pain we share in the childless place we find ourselves, but I also believe each person's situation and circumstances is unique to themselves, after all each involves different people with different backgrounds and varying reasons. This results in my mind to each person's own suffering is similar but profoundly different from the others. Anyway I am rambling now but the bottom line is I did open up, I lowered my expectations of his understanding and empathy and in the end it was worth it. He seems kinder today although it's still early, but - more importantly - he is slowly beginning to get a glimpse into my heart to understand (even if only a small understanding) who I am at the core. How can he do that if I never share this fragile, sad and huge burden with him?
Silver, I'm glad you opened up to your husband. We are allowed to have our feelings and acknowledge them to those we love. I hope he understands more and more and that you find some comfort in your situation.
I cry now and again, some days are worse than others. I cry when I am alone. I do not cry in front of my husband, he has told cannot handle it or deal with it. I often feel alone at times like this but eventually somehow the grief passes. I don't think anyone understands. I work in an office where there are that many baby announcements recently that I have avoided the morning teas and the gift contributions. I try to talk to my husband about how I feel but he just does not get it and just looks at me. I am tired of new people asking how old my children are and when I say I couldn't have them, they come up with solutions.... Adoption blah blah blah.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for your pain. I can see how your husband doesn't want to hear it anymore and your co-workers are crazy over babies, but that doesn't help you. Is there someone you can talk to about this, a friend, relative, counselor? Try to find someone who will let you vent. This is a tough time, and yes, everybody has a solution. Hang in there. You're not alone.
Anonymous..... I'm also anonymous.... :-).... I never felt I had anyone to talk to. My pride would never let me talk to a friend, that would be just too embarrassing. If I talked to a relative, they would have said "see you should have never married the guy" and I did talk to a counselor. I paid a bunch of money and still had no babies. I can't begin to tell you how thrilled I was to find this blog. I honestly thought I was the only person on the planet in this situation. I come to the site every day hoping to find another post. It really helps. In some bizarre way I find great comfort in knowing I'm not the only one.
Oh Anonymous, I'm so glad this blog helps. I wish I could do more. I wish I had the energy to post every day, but I will keep this up as long as I can. Do you know I have a Facebook page for Childless by Marriage, too? You might want to drop in there as well. There's also a Childless Not by Choice Facebook group you can join. I think you need to have a member get you in. If so, just email me, and I'll do it. Thank you and everyone for being here.It gives me comfort in my childless journey, too.
Hi anonymous, I know that co-irkers can be as bad as churchy types and nosy family members. Lisa Manterfield recommends developing ahead of time a quick 1-2 sentence canned answer for the kid question. Her website is http://lifewithoutbaby.com.
Should you decide to read her book, it is written with emotion but just funny enough to provide laugh out loud moments to lighten this heavy subject. Her book tackles both childless by marriage -and- the expensive scam driven medical fertility industry options.
Oddly enough I haven't developed my canned response yet...most ppl in my life know my situation even pesky co-irkers.
Thanks for posting this, Silver. I don't have a canned response either. I just say I never had any children and see what happens after that. Thanks for mentioning Lisa's book and blog. Both can be very helpful. Readers, check her out.
I have always just found it easier to tell people that I can't have children. When someone is bold enough to ask why, I just respond that I dont feel this is the time or place to discuss my reproductive organ. That so far has ended the conversation... :-)
Anonymous, I did that too for a long time. Saying you can't have children stops a lot of nosy questions. Sometimes now I tell folks God had other plans. If I say, "Fred didn't want them," that makes him look bad, so yes, anything to stop the conversation as quickly as possible.
Yeah... I never wanted my husband to look bad either. He is a very good man, but others would think negatively. I did tell a close friend once and the first thing out of her mouth was "I would have never married him then". Well that was a good reminder to never tell people the truth!!! That was so not what I needed to hear that day or any day.
Anon, people are so quick to judge when they don't know the whole story. They may think we're crazy to "stand by our man," but they don't know what they're missing.
You are so right! They don't know what they are missing!!! :-)
This was my comment you posted and I can't tell you how much I appreciate the time you took to respond to it. I tend to bury down my emotions about this but then every now and then it rears back up. Last year I did fall pregnant unexpectedly and had an abortion - I was more on board with the decision then, it seemed like poor timing for many reasons. When we discussed it then he said, "Let's say one day." And I clung to that I think. I kind of thought there would be time down the track in a couple of years to revisit it (although I am aware I may encounter issues due to my age). But he is very adamant that there is NO chance. He loves me. He wants a life with me but he doesn't want children. And while I know it hurts him he has said if children are that important to me then I need to make a decision about our future. But it isn't that I want a baby. I want HIS baby. I want to share that experience with him. I want to see him hold our child in his arms and I want us to watch it grow. In my heart of hearts I know this will never be. I know he won't be moved from his stance. But I also know that in years to come when it is Christmas or a holiday and our family gather I will grieve that there is no one there that we created together. A physical walking breathing reminder of our love. More than wishing I could change his mind I wish I could find peace with this.
You know, I actually used to lie, to cover for my husband. He's more than twenty years older than me, and I had women at work making a comment about my childlessness, and assuming it was down to him...so I lied and said that I had gynae problems.
Today, I told my husband that there had been no point to my life. (I'm 55. My mother has just died at the age of 90.) He told me never to say that I love him again.
Ouch. That's pretty heartless, especially when you're grieving over your mother. I'm sure there is a point to your life, but it's a lot easier to find when you have children. Or so I hear.
I know, it hurts like hell! Just wanted to tell you: you are not alone!
Thanks.
Update - husband is now speaking to me again, and actually apologised!
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