What is it that makes people feel bad about not having
children? That’s what the young man interviewing me over the phone yesterday wanted
to know. I struggled to find an answer that he would understand. It became very
clear that men and women have different ideas about this stuff, especially when
they come from different generations. His questions showed he really didn’t get
it.
Is it that everybody else is doing it? Are we looking for a
sense of accomplishment? Do we want to leave something behind? Does it help to
be around other people’s children?
Well, I could answer that last one. No. When you are hurting
over your own lack of children, it does not help to be surrounded by everybody
else’s. It just makes you more aware of what you’re missing. I don’t think he
understood that either.
I tried to explain that it’s all of the above and more, that
we’re missing a major life experience, that we have no younger generation to
replace the old ones who are dying, that we have no one to inherit our
keepsakes, and that for some people children are their only legacy, but none of
that was really getting to the heart of it.
Why does it hurt so bad to realize we may never have
children? Is it a deep-down physical need to reproduce? After all, every living
thing on earth is designed to reproduce. Some can’t for various physical
reasons, but reproduction is the plan. Humans are the only ones who can say, “No,
we’d rather not,” the only ones who mate and don’t procreate. So maybe it’s
just a basic biological need. But then why don’t some people feel that need?
Almost a quarter of women are not having children these
days, and a lot of them don’t feel bad about it. They choose to be childless, preferring
the unfettered life. Why do the rest of us grieve the loss of the
children we might have had?
The young man segued into a discussion of social media and
wouldn’t I like my blogs to be reposted in perpetuity if some company offered that
service. No, I don’t think so, and was he actually scamming me to sell a
product? I don’t know. But his questions about childlessness linger. What’s the
big deal? Why do we feel so bad?
What do you think? Help me find answers? Why do you feel bad
about not having children? Please share in the comments.
