If we're to believe the images we see in the TV commercials, Mother's Day is a joy to all women. Their children shower them with gifts, Hallmark cards, and breakfast in bed, and the whole family gathers to honor the grandmothers and great-grandmothers. Picture little girls in frilly dresses hugging their moms and grand-moms. Picture big picnics, feasts at a big dining room table, or gatherings at a favorite restaurant. Picture flowers and cards, and the whole world wishing you a happy Mother's Day because you, the mother, deserve it.
Yeah. Now picture what it's really like for many of us. First, our mothers may be dead or terminally ill or we don't get along. The holiday emphasizes the fact that we don't have a mother to honor. Second, we don't all have children. We go to church and feel left out when special prayers are said for the mothers. We go out to eat, and the waiter assumes we're mothers, but we're not. We go to a family gathering and feel left out because we're the only ones without kids. We wait all day for some kind of acknowledgement from our stepchildren, and it doesn't happen. Everywhere we look, people are talking about Mother's Day, and it makes us feel like crap.
For those who are mothers, congratulations. Enjoy your day. For the rest of us, if we can focus on the moms in our lives, that's a great thing to do. If you just can't, run away until it's over. It's a good day to turn off the TV, stay away from Facebook, and avoid going to restaurants. How about a hike, a walk on the beach, or a movie instead?
I'll be playing music for two Masses at church and then going to my monthly song circle. In between, I'll probably have lunch with a friend who hates Mother's Day as much as I do. Her mother, like mine, has died. She has adult children, but their relationship is rocky. So I'll pretty much do what I usually do on Sundays, and I'll enjoy it.
Over the years, Mother's Day has gotten easier for me. It will for you, too, I promise. Try not to get yourself all upset about it. If you need a good cry, go ahead and cry. Then move on. It's just one day.
7 comments:
Totally understand having dealt with infertility. I remember my first mother's day as a mom (adopted children) I wanted to go out to dinner because finally I was a mom and I wanted everyone to know it, LOL. The first Mother's Day after my mom died was a hard one, but I remember working in the church's nursery that morning, working with a lady whose niece had just lost a baby at near term a week before and the devastation they felt and were going through. We had one baby in the nursery that morning for the early service, a cute adorable little boy. When his mom came back to get him, we were chatting and somehow it came up when his birthday was. It was the day my mom died five months earlier. I thanked God for the gift he gave me to be able to see a good thing that had happened that day she died in the life of this precious baby being born.
My mom summed up Mother's Day well. She didn't like the fanfare of it. She said every day we should honor our parents and treat them with respect, etc.
I think the way you will spend Sunday is a good one.
betty
Thank you for sharing this, Betty. Blessings come in all kinds of ways, don't they?
Mother's Day has been difficult for me over the past few years. I have been married almost 7 years and still have no children...I am also 30. It's really hard because people have expectations about women and married women in my culture. I have gotten harassed a lot about not having children, as if that is a decision entirely up to me and me alone. My husband and I haven't tried because he's too scared due to the things we've had to deal with.
People also don't care about the circumstances my husband and I have had to deal with...health issues, job loss, family issues...I sometimes think others see what they want to see, and they dole out their opinions without thinking about what they say.
I have prayed so much about this and I am very close to giving up. I try not to be bitter whenever people share that they are parents and have their families and just remind myself that life will go the way it needs to for me and that is the way it is. I can't write the chapters for other people's lives, and they can't do that for me either.
I wish I had come across your blog sooner because this Mother's Day was especially hard for me. I just found out that my husband isn't open to the idea of adoption or foster after almost 5 years of marriage, when we had previously discussed that this would be our natural next steps. What a bomb! I guess I've been okay on past Mother's Days because I still had a modicum of hope left that one of these days I could be actually celebrating a Mother's Day as a mom. But now, I'm thinking future years will be hard, too. Definitely need to stay away from Facebook on that day.
And now I can't sleep because the thoughts occurring are whether I stay with the love of my life in a forced childless situation or leave him and try to be a single parent, which was my original plan before I even met him. I don't want to resent him for the rest of our lives. The main reason we are still childless is we got married later in life, but also, he has some morphology issues with his sperm. When I was tested for EVERYTHING 3 years ago, the RE was actually shocked at how good all my tests were and expected my results to be horrible because of my age. We were told to ever get pregnant with our own eggs and sperm, we HAD to do IVF with ICSI. You know, we would make it work financially if we got pregnant on our own, but paying for IVF with such a low chance seems like throwing money away. He is also not open to the idea of donor eggs, which I would actually prefer for the chances of it taking would be far greater and I am not tied to my DNA anyway. But he can't see how we raise a child by telling that child from the start that he/she is not biologically mine.
Today was just horrible. :( Sorry for such a long post.
Oh my dear Anonymouses, I feel your pain. What tough situations. Mother's Day makes it all so much harder. Thank you for sharing this with us. The people reading this blog understand and care. You are not alone.
Mother's Day was tough for me, too. Mostly I kept busy, but by the end of the day, everything piled up and I felt incredibly sad and alone. It did not help that a friend dragged me to lunch at a restaurant full of celebrating moms and spent the whole time complaining about her three kids. Give me a break!
I was awake when the clock turned to midnight, and I felt myself relax. Mother's Day is over!
I pray you both find good solutions to your situations.
betty, I became a mother finally at age 45 and so at 46 celebrated my first Mother's Day, and no I don't expect anyone to fall all over me, I believe that motherhood is its own reward. However, it would have been nice had my MIL acknowledged my first Mother's Day, but all she could do is show up at the hospital and 2 days post-partum ask me all sorts of strange and demanding questions about my labor and tell me that I was "too old". Lovely, huh?
Just posting to add that 2 other scenarios where Mother's Day is excruciating besides the ones that have been brought up. First I had a friend who was forced to give up her baby for adoption by her father. She got pregnant while living at home. I met her when she was around 45 & the grief was almost unbearable for her. Second, I do women's prison ministry. Mothers Day is heartbreaking for the mothers inside as well. Some of them have kids who won't speak to them which adds to the pain. Of course I have my own story. Mother's Day & baby showers were like icicles in my heart for many years, but no more. Jesus has slowly softened this blow over the decades.
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