We survived Mother’s Day. Congratulations to all of us. I
was all set to cruise through this one by keeping busy and not thinking about
it. But I don’t live in the desert or alone on an island, and neither do you.
All the prayers for moms at church, the moms being taken out to brunch by their
loving families, the Facebook posts, the TV shows, and the friends talking about
visiting their mothers and bragging about what their children had done for them
took their toll. I didn’t weep. I wished a few friends happy Mother’s Day, and
I had a good time playing music with friends in the afternoon, but by bedtime,
I felt profoundly sad. I missed my mother, my husband, my stepchildren and the
biological children I never had. I lay awake in bed, watching the digital clock
tick through the numbers until midnight, then breathed a sigh of relief. Mother’s
Day was over. Thank God.
I don’t think other people understand how we feel,
especially on days like Mother’s Day or at baby showers or when our friends
obsess about their children. It’s like we come from another country and speak
another language. The thing to try to remember is that there’s nothing wrong
with our country and our language. They’re different but just as good.Our lives just took a different path.
I need your help with something. In the last week, several people have posted comments about
situations where one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, and they’re
considering breaking up. They love each other and don’t know if they’ll ever
find someone else as good, but the baby issue has come between them. It’s hard
to know what to say except I’m sorry and I hope they make the right decision. If you have a minute, visit the post If You Disagree About Children, Is Your Relationship Doomed? and add your two cents.
How did you do on Mother’s Day? Tell us how it went.
7 comments:
Even though I became a parent through adoption, I do remember those Mother's Days in the past and how painful they can be. I also looked through the eyes of an infertile woman or a childless woman in how our church honored moms, etc., and I'm sad to say they didn't mention anything about those that want to be mothers and can't for a variety of reasons, but there were lots of honorings for moms, potted plants and other things. I might say something next year when it rolls around to be more sensitive to someone in the crowd that might be struggling with not being a mom or missing their mom and perhaps down tone the festivities.
betty
Thanks for adding this, Betty. I'm fortunate to be on the liturgy committee at our church. I mentioned this problem for the childless a few times, and our pastor really did tone down the Mother's Day honors. He now expands his prayer to every woman who nurtures in some way.
It's hard for me to write this comment. I don't really know how to start. Ok. I'm married to my childhood sweetheart. He is my other half, soulmate, best friend. And I'm so angry with him I sometimes could scream.
Theres a huge backstory, but I'll be brief. A year after our wedding, he announced that he didn't know if he wanted children. I didn't know what I wanted. Fast forward eight years and we are in such a muddle. He has left the decision solely on my shoulders, and it is weighing me down. I can't even think clearly about it any more, I certainly don't know how I feel. I have a very demanding career, finally earn good money, am getting older. Has the time to do this passed? He never raises the subject - how can he not discuss the biggest decision of our lives?
Meanwhile, I'm pushing down the anger. And dreading my upcoming 37th birthday.
It may already be too late. I know this. And still, stalemate.
Thank you for your blog. It helps.
Ooh, I wish I had all the answers, SoTired. Sounds like it's time for a heart-to-heart talk with your soulmate. Tell him how you feel, that you don't want all the decision on your shoulders and that it's time to do it or decide not to. I hope you can get some rest.
Sue, I just became a mother finally late in life (45), but I will NEVER forget what it felt like just about all of my adult life, to go to a baby shower or when it was Mother's Day. What always got me and still gets me is the women who act as if they are better than childless women, just because they have children. One has nothing to do with the other, though, and in fact MANY childless (and even childfree) women add to society in a big way, maybe even MORE than many mothers. Anyway, I can say that I don't expect anyone to fall all over me for Mother's Day or any other day, motherhood is its own reward. I might not have been like that had I not gone through childlessness for most of my adult life.
To SoTired, 37 might not be too late. There are other options, like IVF with either your own egg or donor egg. There is adoption. NONE of these options are easy, but they are worth going through. Of course there is nothing wrong with being childless as well, but I want you to do what is right for you and not be discouraged. Good luck.
I'm new & just found your website. I've had 3 miscarriages in 5 yrs. I'm almost 50 & change of life is starting. I won't go into details. I cried for around 2 decades at baby showers but Jesus has done a major work in my heart in that department. I have 2 step-kids. 34 & 32. Between them 7 grandkids. The step-kids throw a Mother's Day cookout for me & my husbands ex, their birth mother. It is awkward but I went for years with no card/phone call so they are turning the corner. Many things about Mother's Day break my heart, over & over. It's too much to write in this post. I tried for 25 yrs to get pregnant, was told by 3 fertility specialists I would never conceive. Around 42 I started getting pregnant left & right. Just couldn't carry full term. Honestly I could go on & on. My step-kids are very close to their birth mother which is a very good thing! Yes I feel very left out. Our church does an outstanding job of being inclusive of all women on MDay. I am grateful for what I do have, not complaining about what I don't have.
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