Wednesday, April 2, 2014

B is for Baby, the One You May Never Have

 Almost every day I receive a comments from readers whose problems are at the very heart of this blog. They are deep into a relationship where they disagree about having children and don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell them except that I'm sorry this is happening to them and that they have to decide which is more important to them, the man or woman they love or the babies they might never have if they stay together. It's an awful decision, along the lines of would you rather be blind or deaf. Neither choice is good. 

A post from last year titled, "If you Disagree About Children, is Your Relationship Doomed?" has drawn many of these comments. Click the link to read them all. Meanwhile, here are a few.
"My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and just recently discussed getting engaged within the year. I am 30 and he is 39 and has been married once before. I have never known that I definitely wanted to have kids but just recently I have been feeling a stronger urge to seriously consider it. My boyfriend just told me that he 100% will not have kids and I need to seriously consider if that is okay with me because he is not "changing his mind". He is the love of my life and I would never consider not being with him but to hear him so vehemently say no to kids made me a little depressed. I am hoping that maybe one day he will consider it or my recently budding baby fever will subside..."

"Hi, i am 42 , my husband is 41. We've been married for just over 5 years. I have 2 grown up children aged 22 & 18 from a previous awful relationship. My husband and I had an incredible marriage. We never argued, always respected each other and loved each other very very deeply. 2 months ago he left me!! He does not want to be 60 and never have become a father. I understand how he feels but he refuses to acknowledge how I feel. I was a teenage mum and have spent my entire adult life looking after kids and he wants me to go right back to the beginning and start again. He can't see what my problem is. He just says I don't love him enough. If I did I would make the sacrifice for him. He says that I have "rejected" him. Now I am completely devastated, I can't eat, sleep and can hardly get up in the morning..."
"I am 3 weeks down the road of separating from my partner (37) of 4 1/2 years. When we first got together, we both wanted to get married and have 4 children. After a year we went overseas traveling and he starting saying he didn't want children. I thought it was because we were traveling and with loads of people in their early 20's. But when we got back, he was still saying that he didn't want children. I thought he just wasn't ready and we kept getting more fur children. Well after I don't know how many conversations, he admits that he doesn't want to be like this dad. It was a look of surprise when it came out of his mouth. He didn't and still doesn't have a wonderful relationship with his dad. I just wish he could see himself through my eyes and what a brilliant father he would make. He is wonderful with his niece and nephews. And has so much to offer a child.. I just want my life back! And the one we planned...."

 "Together 7 years, married for 1. He had two kids from his first marriage, I have zero from my first marriage. I have always always always wanted one of my own. I feel 'broken' or less whole thinking that he now doesn't want to have one with me anymore. He said he is just done..."  
I have a hard time knowing how to comfort these readers. I hope you can help me help them with your comments here or at the original post. Feel free to tell us about your own situation. 

You might be wondering what the B is for Babies business is about. I am participating this month in the A-to-Z Blog Challenge. Every day except Sunday we will publish new blog posts inspired by the letters of the alphabet. Because I have several blogs, I’m going to make this like a progressive dinner or a scavenger hunt. The alphabet blogs will proceed from A to Z but will dance around among my newsletter (4/1 only) and Unleashed in Oregon, Childless by Marriage, and Writer Aid. Here’s the schedule:

A Newsletter
B Childless by Marriage
C Unleashed in Oregon
D Writer Aid
E Unleashed in Oregon
F Unleashed in Oregon
G Unleashed in Oregon
H Childless by Marriage
I Unleashed in Oregon
J Writer Aid
K Unleashed in Oregon
L Unleashed in Oregon
M Unleashed in Oregon
N Childless by Marriage
O Unleashed in Oregon
P Writer Aid
Q Unleashed in Oregon
R Unleashed in Oregon
S Unleashed in Oregon
T Childless by Marriage
U Unleashed in Oregon
W Writer Aid
X Unleashed in Oregon
Y Unleashed in Oregon
Z Unleashed in Oregon

More than 1300 other bloggers have signed up for the challenge. Check out the list at You might find some great new blogs to follow. I know I will. Find out what C stands for tomorrow at Unleashed in Oregon.


betty said...

Honestly, I'm not sure what I could give for advice to any of them. The only really serious relationship I was in was with my husband and when we were engaged and planning our live together, it included children. We didn't change our minds about having them, we just had to change the way we got them (adoption versus birthing them ourselvles). Had either one of us changed our minds after we were married, I'm not sure what our ultimate decision would have been, but I would like to think we would have reached some type of mutual agreement and kept the relationship together.

not much help here


Anonymous said...

I just stumbled on your blog and it has made me feel much better to know there are others in similar situations as myself. I am in my mid thirties and my husband is in his late thirties. We have been married for six years and together for 9. Prior to getting married we discussed having kids and though neither of us were baby-crazy it was agreed that we would when the time was right. Well flash forward to now and for the past year we have been in a stalemate as I really want children and r has decided that he never wants children. I feel deceived and trapped. We have been to counselling and I even agreed to not bring it up for a year (which I did) so that he could think. As the year was up he still says he doesn't want kids because he wants more time for his hobbies. I feel sick about it. His hobbies seem to be trumping my desire for a family. I've discussed divorce (not that I really want out of the marriage which is others wise good) but don't see a solution and an only imagine becoming more resentful as he carries on with his hobbies and I don't get to live out the life we envisioned . Still stuck and don't know where to turn or what to do but am relieved that I'm not alone in this struggle.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Anonymous, I wish this would stop happening to people. In my mother's era, they would have just had a baby. None of this "maybe I don't want one" stuff. I hate this. You are definitely not alone. If you've been reading here, you know you have lots of sisters in the same situation. If you don't want to leave your husband, we can only hope he changes his mind. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, I would never tell someone to get a divorce but I fear that you will become middle aged and then have missed out on the joy of children, for your husband's "hobbies".

Anonymous said...

B is for bless your precious heart. Discovering this blog is getting me through a particularly bad day. Thank you for your openness and creating a space where I feel a little less crazy. Knowing I'm not alone in this might just help the healing begin.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

T is for thank you for your kind words, Anonymous May 25. It makes me happy to know I can help at least a little bit.