Is it possible for a relationship to work when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t? This is the question that is still resonating in my head days after I finished reading Kidfree & Lovin’ It (reviewed Jan. 2). The opinion of most of the people author Kaye D. Walters surveyed is that this is a deal-breaker, that compromise is impossible, that the relationship is doomed. They say it is better to break up than to have a child you don’t want—or force a child on someone who doesn’t want to have children. Don’t date, don’t marry, don’t pretend it’s okay; it won’t work.
Walters urges couples to think it through and be sure of what
they want. “Don’t just end a perfectly good relationship without first
examining your means and motivations on the kid issue.” She offers lists of
reasons to procreate and suggests that some of them are pretty shaky and
perhaps one might not be a good parent after all. But in the end, like the
people she surveyed, she seems to lean toward ending the relationship.
This issue is at the heart of my Childless by Marriage blog
and book. It’s an issue that most books about childlessness (see my resource list) pay minimal attention to. But it’s a big one. If my first husband had
been willing and ready to have children, I’d be a grandmother now. If my second
had been willing to add more children to the three he already had and if he had
not had a vasectomy, I’d have grown children and maybe grandchildren now. If I
had dumped either one because I wanted to have children and they didn’t, my
life would have been completely different.
I am childless because I married these men and stayed with
them. The first marriage ended for other reasons, but the second husband was a
keeper. We lasted three weeks shy of 26 years. If Fred hadn’t died, we’d still
be together. He was the perfect mate for me in every other way. And maybe, if I
truthfully answer all of Walters’ soul-searching questions, I would find I was
too devoted to my career to add motherhood to the mix. I wanted children, and I
wish I’d had them. BUT I loved Fred and knew I would never find a better
husband. Should I have left him and hoped to find someone else, maybe someone
not as good but who was willing to have babies with me? Am I a fool because I
sacrificed motherhood for these men?
That’s the big question that many of the people who comment
here are facing: stay with the partner or spouse who doesn’t want kids or try
to find someone else? What do you think? Is a relationship doomed if you
disagree on this issue? Is it all right to sacrifice something this big for the
one you love? There are always compromises in a relationship. People give up
their careers, move far away from home, or take care of disabled spouses, but is
this too much to ask?
I really want to know what you think.
252 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 252 of 252Anonymous, Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so difficult to know how to mesh your own desires with another person's. I hope you and your girlfriend can figure this out. Maybe all it needs is time.
I'm so happy to see this thread has continued!!! I feel for all of those that are struggling as I am. My partner and I have been dating for a year and we love each other very much. She is 32 and I am 41. I have never really wanted children. I love kids and I'm happy to have my nieces in my life. My GF says she isn't 100% sure she wants kids but she doesn't want someone that takes that option off the table. I tend to feel like this is more about her having control over her life than about actually having a child. She told me that if I take having a child completely off the table that we are done. If I am the love of her life how could she be willing to throw that away for something she isn't even sure she wants . She actually said when we first started dating ... I don't want anyone making that decision for me. I feel like I should give this more time to play out , I'm just afraid to lose her. Thoughts? Please keep this thread open for support it has been wonderful to know that I am not alone. :)
Are there any stories of men trying to reconcile the relationship after it ended and change their mind about having children? Sorry if this is a naive question but I can't help but hope that maybe love can prevail over dealbreakers.. sometimes at least... has it happened? Has he come back and said yes to a family because he so wants you in his life?
Anonymous 4/28, I haven't seen or heard any stories like that, but there must be some.I can tell you about the friend who remarried when his first daughter was entering college. His second wife suffered three miscarriages before successfully carrying their daughter to term. At an age when most people are starting to think about retirement, he was a dad all over again and delighted.
Readers, can you share any stories of hope?
I am with you.... I'm hoping that love with prevail as I am in the same situation as everyone that has responded. I have to believe that if its meant to be it will be. It's the only way I feel better .
I was looking for some guidance as to how to address my current situation. I am 44year old female, divorced with 2 beautiful adult children. I have had a full hysterectomy at 23y due to medical reasons. I am now in an 8year relationship with a 36year old man who has now started thinking of having children. Even if I could have children, I don't think would want one at my age now.
We have a very strong bond and love for on another, but I don't want the regrets 10years down the line for him not having the joy of parenthood, which I have had. Whilst his still able to start a family of his own, is the sacrifice of leaving one another now, not worth the happiness?
Boy, Anonymous, I wish I had the answer to that question. It's such a gamble. Do you give up the love you know you have for the possibility he will find someone else and have the children he wants? He's the only one who can make this decision, and I guess you have to let him figure it out. I hope you both find a good solution.
I have read this blog a few times, maybe trying to convince myself that all I need in life is my boyfriend. He is 35 and I'm 31. From the start I knew he wasn't sure on kids. His previous girlfriend left him as she was ready for it all and he wasn't. That was two years ago and we have had a few conversations about kids that haven't ended well.
He says he is mostly sure he doesn't want kids but not 100% sure and might change his mind in the future. I am mostly sure I want them but due to anxiety issues am not sure I would be a very good mother without a good support system. I just wish he could be excited about having a family. I get that he comes from divorced parents but he has a loving family and a brother that he mostly gets on with and a good job and great morals and life values. He would be a fantastic family.
Our conversations about kids leave me with the feeling that he is scared of having kids and the changes it would bring. This then makes me think that if he just makes that leap he will see having a kid is hard but brings with it wonderful things.
I love him and after years of being single I have found my man. My love. I don't want to leave but I think this would be the time to get out before I invest any more time in this. I just wish he could tell me 100% that he positively doesn't want kids. I don't want them right now but want them before I'm 35. If I stay in the hope he changes his mind then reach 35 and he hasn't then I'll be very very angry with myself.
Anon May 23, I'm sorry for your situation. To be honest, I doubt that your man will ever change his mind. It sounds like he's pretty sure, so you need to be sure what you want and what you're willing to sacrifice and be very clear about it with him. If it comes down to the man of your dreams or possible children, which will you choose. Nobody should to make this choice, but that's where it's at. I hope you can figure it out. Know that you're not alone. Lots of people are going through the same thing.
I don't even know where to start.. Thank you for this blog, it's nice to know I'm not alone. A little bit about me and my situation, I am 24 my boyfriend is 25 and we've been together for 3+ years. We've also lived together for a year and a half and have two dogs together. I know that in comparison we are much younger and still have so much time to figure things out but I'm literally at the point that I don't know what to do. Even before we got together we had always agreed on life and our future which had always included 3 kids somewhere down the road. Fast forward to two months ago. I had just recently started my new job, we moved into our new place together and I think that everything is going according to plan until he drops the bomb on me that he no longer thinks he wants kids because "he doesn't see the benefit that they could bring to his life". Ultimately I'm faced with the decision to decide if I do or do not want kids because he does not know how this can work if we disagree on such a fundamental issue. I don't know what to do, I love him and could not picture my life without him but I still want to hang on to the hope that kids are in our future somewhere down the road. Could this just be a phase and could he change his mind and possibly realize he does want kids later on? Or do I accept the reality that the plans that we had together are no longer in the cards? I just feel so lost. And advice would be helpful. <3
Anonymous May 30, Shoot, everything was going well and then . . . It may be just a phase. You are both so young. But it is worrisome. I think you should stick to what you wanted. If you stay with him, you might not get those three kids, but there's no reason you have to change how you feel just because he has. Don't nag, but do keep the lines of communication open and give it a little while. If you decide not having kids is a deal-breaker, you have to make that clear to him. I sure hope it works out.
Hello Everyone,
I stumbled upon this page do to a argument my partner and I have been having since the beginning of our relationship: to have children? Today, the topic arose and I feel so lost and miserable and tired. In the beginning, I was very hopefully of the idea that one day we (my partner and I) would have 2 children. As the days became months, I soon begun to realize, well assume that maybe she wanted the right guy who would be there for her and not only for the children.
And so I showed my partner the loving, caring, funny, outgoing person I am and more. Months became years and now my assumptions is that she doesn't want to have kids at all and it makes me sad.
The argument which reached new heights on the topic on hand. In the end, I began to realize that she didn't want me to end the relationship, but she didn't want to feel guilty of having me give up what I wanted ever since I can remember. Even though my partner tried her best to give me a way out, I refused to end it because I do love her so freaking much but at the same time, I don't want to be with someone who is going to feel guilty for not giving me what I want.
Which leads me to the question that I would like Sue and others here to please, please provide any input to help me reach the conclusion of my relationship with my lovely partner: Should I be with her or should I end my amazing relationship?
I love my partner so much but how can I be with someone who will feel guilty throughout the course of my relationship.
Thank You
Dear Sadness, I wish I had an answer for you. My shrink would say you are not responsible for your partner's feelings. If she feels guilty, she feels guilty. But the bottom line is: Do you want to stay together? If so, you need to deal with this issue and reach a decision you both can live with. And yes, one of you will feel guilt and resentment. It's inevitable. I hope you can find peace with this.
I was seeing a girl for about 6 months until recently... She's 35 and I'm 30. When we first started seeing each other I told her that I liked that she was a mom and that I wanted a child and it was a deal breaker for me. She was honest with me from the beginning and said she didn't want anymore- She has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship, has raised him by herself since he was a baby and has gotten very little support (financial & otherwise) from the father. Despite this we went with the flow as we both really liked each other. We fell in love and things seemed to be great up until last week when she broke up with me. She said she loves me but she knows she'll never want children again and it's not fair for her to expect me to sacrifice that as she'll never change her mind.
I tried to talk to her about this and said it's not an issue for me right now but she keeps referring back to the start of the relationship when I said it was a deal breaker.
The thing is I felt that way before I met her and fell in love with her... I've never been in a relationship with anyone before where we just clicked like this and she meets so many of my needs and I hers. We were best friends too... I felt like I could take on the world with her and like anything was possible. I also shared her ideas of travelling once her son turned 18.
I've started to waver on the child idea but I'd like it to at least be an option rather than being told a flat out no. It does bring up so many emotions and I too have felt that if she loved me enough she'd want to have children with me... I guess it's never that simple though.
I really feel if she didn't make such a big deal out of things at such an early stage then there's a strong chance I would've decided she was enough for me but I guess we'll never know.
After reading so many stories here I can't help but observe that many of those who have children from previous relationships often tend to let their past experiences cloud their judgement. Some of these people had negative experiences or struggled in some way whilst raising their kids for a variety of reasons. I don't think it's fair for people to let their past experiences dictate their future options/decisions. It's very different having a child with someone you love, who loves you back, who will stick around and be a willing and loving parent to the child alongside you.
My advice to those who still have age on their side is this: people do change, stranger things have happened. So if you'll excuse the pun don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
Nobody knows what tomorrow has in store and you are potentially denying yourself happiness right now by being reactive and making rash decisions over something that isn't yet an issue and may in fact never be.
For those of you who are lucky enough to still have your partners, try to put your issues aside temporarily and be grateful for each other even just for one night and enjoy the love you share.
Thank you Sue for replying back to me. I am grateful you did and I have taken your advice into consideration and I am still with her because will I truly love her. Thank you.
Sadness
I'm taking comfort that I'm not alone. I'm 43 and my husband (35) (my best friend, soulmate, love of my life) left me 3 weeks ago after 11 years of marriage. I have 19 yo & 17 yo from previous marriage and he's been the most amazing step dad ever. He has always known from day 1 that I didn't want any more kids and has always said the three of us were enough for him...... until now. He now can't bare never having his own child and therefore has walked away. He says he still loves me and may realise a few years down the line that leaving me was a big mistake but the yearning for a baby is just too strong. I'm absolutely broken.....We had an amazing life
Anonymous June 20, I'm so sorry this happened to you. We read a lot about women leaving men who don't want more children, but here we are on the other side. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry and I hope you can find a way to ease your pain.
My story isn't much different from the rest I've read here. I'm 38 and bf is 40. I have been searching and searching for the last ten years for a man like him. After a horrible break up w a horrible man, I put myself out there and met mr. Wonderful. He is kind and supportive and encouraging and loves me just the way I am. I was clear from the beginning of the relationship that I wanted the option of having a child. At my age, I am not delusional about my ability to to conceive a child. All of my close friends my age are having or had problems conceiving or having miscarriages. Anyhow, he said a kid would be an option. Sometime lat year (we've been together about 18 months) I became really upset and said that I wanted a baby. He replied with, "Not now!!!" I said of course not now--I was finishing my education program and didn't have a job. Obviously we would have waited until I graduated and had a job. Let me add, too, that he has a 6 yo son from his previous marriage, which ended very badly and, from what I can gather, his ex was emotionally abusive. And I know for sure that he pretty much was the primary care giver when his son was younger. In fact, he still is the better parent. He's an awesome dad. I love his son and he and I have a great relationship, but at the end of the day, I'm not "mom."
My bf and I have had several emotional and less emotional discussions. He keeps throwing out all these reasons why we shouldn't have a kid. My age: what if we had a special needs child? Well, I did my research and we have a 97-99% chance of having a healthy child. He's concerns about my mental health, which I don't blame him, as I suffer from a mood disorder and had a small bout of depression earlier this year ( which I can't help but think pushed him to no instead of not now). I talked to my dr and he said he doesn't see why I can't have a healthy a baby and a safe pregnancy. Moreover, don't many have issues when they are pregnant, women who don't have any problems?mi even told him that if, when I get off my mess and it is just unbearable for us, I will gladly go back on them and close that chapter of our lives. I know he gets anxious and he keeps referring to how difficult having a baby is. And I agree, but this time around, he wouldn't be doing it all. He'd have a real partner, heck, I even suggested that I not work the first year, which I think we could handle. Money would be tight, but not undoable. Furthermore, he's had a hemorrhoid which has affected his ability to be physically active, which also might be the reason why he is tired all the time.
The other day, he FINALLY came out and said he just has no desire to have a kid. I asked him that what if I did change his mind and we did have a kid, would he hate his life an resent me and the child. He said of course not. So WTF gives? I am a problem solver and I can't solve this one. He keeps going back to being tired and being unable to be as active as he would like. So I made him an apt to have his thyroid checked, as both of his parents and both of his sisters have a thyroid problem. Taking care of his bum is next. I just can't believe that he is the douche bag he is presenting himself to be right now.
I gave up my independence for him. Last fall money was tight and I was having trouble w financial aid. He asked me to move in since I was there all the time anyway. I told him don't move me in just to be the good guy. I can figure this out. I told him this was a big step and that it needed to be for the right reasons. I finally gave in after two weeks of him asking me. So here I am, no money; I am completely dependent on him, a situation I have never been in for my entire adult life.
Dear Anonymous June 24,
It sounds like the baby thing is not your only issue, but it is one of the most pressing because of your ages. If you're already regretting moving in with him, how would you feel if you got pregnant with him? I totally get that you want a baby, but maybe you need to give it a few months to sort out your relationship first. If he's truly Mr. Wonderful, he ought to get over himself and say yes if you don't push too hard right now. I wish you luck.
I'm having to write this in two parts, and I don't remember where I left off, so sorry if I repeat myself. I think I left off about him finally saying no. I've been at my mom's for five days. I saw him yesterday for a bit and I suggested counseling and he didn't really give me an answer, so I told him in that case I would be sleeping in the spare room until I find a job and can move. Well, he started breathing really heavy the way he does when he gets anxious and crying. I really did not expect that response from him. He's thinking about counseling. I think we need it regardless of this situation. I think he has unresolved issues from his marriage.
I hope we can work through this bc he is the most loving, kind, generous, supportive man I have ever met. I feel so at home with him, except for recently. I hope he wasn't lying to me in the beginning. I hope that bc of different factors, problems at we can solve, he will reconsider. He is a great dad, but he thinks he's failing as a dad. He's not! I wouldn't want to have a kid w him if he wasn't a good dad! I hope that all of reasons are just bs. But I might have to accept that he just doesn't have the desire to do this all over again, which would be a real shame bc I am 100% not like his ex wife. Things would be so different. She's an alcoholic, so that comes with its own set of problems.
I almost think he might be suffering from depression. He lacks energy, wants to sleep all the time, and everything stresses him out. I'm going home in a few days. Hopefully we can see a counselor. I'd hate to let him go, but at the same time I don't know if I could not resent him for toying with my life.
I only regret moving in with him because I made myself perfectly clear what I wanted, so either he lied (which I just can't believe he would do) or something happened to make him change his mind.
Thank you, Sue. I hadn't even planned on trying to get pregnant until early next year. He has asked what do I hope to get out of counseling? Maybe we could figure out how to make me feel like I am a part of his family--him and his son. It's like the two of them against the world. He said he doesn't want a new family, and I said, wouldn't it be more like adding to your family? Maybe he misspoke. I also think talking to someone about his marriage would be helpful for him. I do not plan on making any hasty decisions. I think he wil talk to someone with me. At least I hope.
Anon, that sounds like a good plan. I hope you can work it out.
I feel so used. My boyfriend of 4 years left me because I don't have the desire or the dream of becoming a mother. I'm still in my early 20's. I feel betrayed and honestly I don't think he loved me, otherwise we would understand. He just saw me as a potential machine babies maker, that hurt like crazy! I feel insecure, low self-esteem, not worth it, I know it will be really difficult to find someone that doesn't want kids, so I feel doomed. I'm a pretty and smart girl but I gave up on love, people see love and relationships as something to fill needs. I don't think I will find someone that sees me beside the potential of becoming pregnant. I don't want to date or find a boyfriend anymore, I'm just hopeless about love. I not condemning your perspective, just giving you the other way around and how I personally feel.
M, I feel for you. That woman as babymaker view has been going on since Adam and Eve. We are much more than that, of course. But don't give up on love. There's somebody out there for you. Someday you'll find each other.
I am in the same boat, but struggling even more because it's a situation of my own making.
This is the second marriage for both my husband and I and we've been together five years. I am 36 and he is 40. Neither of us have kids from our first marriages. For pretty much my entire life, I've never wanted children, and when my current husband and I discussed it before we were married, we both agreed that we didn't want kids.
About six months or so ago, something changed for me, and I started to feel like a child was something I wanted. In the recent discussions my husband and I have had about it, he still feels like he doesn't want one. His reasons are all very logical and understandable - he likes our life now, likes to be able to travel and do whatever we want, feels he's too old, doesn't want the financial responsibility or to deal with all the work a child entails.
I feel like a horrible person because I've changed my mind and put him in a position he never should have been in, since he's been honest with me from the beginning. I don't know if I just have some sort of "baby fever", and I've been trying to talk myself out of it for a few months now, but I just can't stop thinking about how I really do want a child and how wonderful of a father he would be. We both have good jobs and make very good money so it's hard for me to find logical reasons not to have one. My husband doesn't seem to understand that it's more of an emotional decision for me and keeps asking me for reasons why - something that is hard for me to provide a bullet pointed answer to.
I'm scared to death that if I don't have one, I will really regret it, and if he does relent and have one, it won't be a good experience for him, and he will resent both me and the child. I love him dearly and couldn't imagine life without him...but this is really starting to weigh on me. Because of our ages I don't feel that there's a whole lot of time to wait and see.
Any insights would help a ton - obviously there's no compromise on this issue. :O(
Oh Anonymous July 2, 2015,
You're human. We all change our minds about stuff. Maybe it is baby fever or a realization that the fertility doors are closing, but don't feel guilty. You can't help it. Sometimes I wish we didn't have so many choices. You sound very sure you want to stay with your guy and keep the relationship going. Hang on to that. You might have to stick with your original choice. Or maybe he'll change his mind, too. Either way, it will be okay.
I have read many articles recently about the pros and cons of being childless and being childless by marriage and I think I know what I want but is it the right choice? Basically, I am 27 he is 28. We have been together for 10.5yrs, we have brought 2 houses together and I love him very much, he's not like most men, comes across very miserable but he has a very dry sense of humour, it has taken time for friends and family to like him due to his personality. Within the early stages of dating he told me he didn't want children, however, over time we have spoken about the type of job I have to help with childcare/maternity (I work within the childcare sector), type of house we buy and children's names we both like. Now, he has said to me he doesn't want children as he doesn't want the responsibility, I know he had a horrible childhood, he told his mother at 10yrs old that he doesn't want to see her again due to the upset she coursed to him and his dad, his dad worked every hour under the sun to provide for him to the point his grandma brought him up.
He wants me to be happy and that's why he wants me to think long and hard about what I want, the thing is as a child I never thought of family life, marriage was a joke to me! Since being with him, I always thought that within time we would have a child, the thing is I have never seen myself with anyone else and looking to the future now I still don't see myself with anyone but him. He assures me that he still wants to be with me and that he loves me but due to his feelings on starting a family he doesn't want me to get 5-10yrs down the line and wish I had a child. Since he told me this, all I have thought, it's fine, I'll stay with him as I can only ever see myself with him and if we can still live a happy fulfilled life doing other things together then so be it, is that the right decision?
When I or others see him with children, he is fantastic! We have recently had a lot of pressure from friends and family about us starting a family, which I believe hasn't helped!
Hope this makes sense, would appreciate some guidance.
Anonymous,
You do sound compatible and you have been through a lot together. I do think you're making the right choice, but make sure you talk it all through. Let him know that he teased you with the possibility of children when he talked about houses and name for your potential offspring. But if you never felt driven to have kids and he says he doesn't want them, you may be a good match. I hope you can make it work.
I am also struggling with this issue. My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We talked about kids since the begginning of our relationship but I never said I want kids for sure. I have been thinking about it every single day and I am certain I don't want kids. My boyfriend keeps saying I still have time to get back on the right path..It feels unfair that I found the love of my life and knowing it could all end because of this. I really think he will choose having a child. We are 24 years old but we are both sure of what we want, unfortunatelly not the same thing. Life can get so complicated.
I'm recently 41 and have been married 16 months. My husband just confessed to me he does not want another child. He just turned 45 and has 2 children from a previous marriage. We thoroughly discussed this topic before we were ever even a steady couple and he told me he did definitely want more children etc. Just 6 months ago we bought new vehicles that would accommodate another child. I have been trying to get my home fixed up to sell so that we can move on to a home together that is larger. We've been together 3.5 years now and he tells me he knows this is a deal breaker so we should probably part ways. Umm it was a deal breaker 3.5 years ago. Now you've taken it from me either way. It is not as if I'm 31. I cannot just go and find another man next week and get married and pregnant by next year. I think he's panicked about finances perhaps and I am trying to get us to counseling. It's not our fault that we found each other in my late 30's. I love him. But had I known this I would probably have moved on in the beginning. I feel so robbed and misled. But now I have to decide is it a deal breaker. I have always wanted children I always thought it would happen. And I just didn't find the right man. Then I found him. Or so I thought. I'm just crushed by this and I know no one has the answer but me. But I just had to write this out. I'm hoping he'll go to counseling he has a lot of issues and a whole other list of things wrong with me and the marriage as well and quite honestly I don't know how it will turn out. The hardest part of all this is how little he values me or our investment in this. He just assumes this will work out the same lousy way his first marriage did and that's so unfair. Thanks for letting me unload this. Mac
Oh Mac, You're right. I don't know the answer either. But I'd like to punch your husband for being an idiot. It sounds like the marriage is broken, babies or not, but yes, he took away those last fertile years, then changed the rules on you. Not fair. You are in my prayers.
Hi, just stumbled across this blog and not sure what I'm hoping to get by writing on here but here goes...
Does anyone have any advice on how to make it work or at least come to a decision together?
I'm in the same boat as a lot of people on here, engaged, love of my life- the most perfect relationship that I never want to lose (we have no underlying or other issues) but I want a baby and he doesn't and it's not something you meet half-way on.
Has counselling helped anyone or is there anything we can try to help us understand each others feelings better? It's such an emotional and charged subject it's pretty hard to talk through together and I feel like I can't see the woods for the trees.
Any practical advice would be very welcome.
Thanks
I was deeply in love with an ex partner, but the kids issue did definitely destroy our relationship. I just couldn't see myself in a marriage without them- no matter how good other aspects were, it would become torture for me, forced childlessness by someone who was supposed to love me. Now, if someone said they didn't want kids, it'd be a breakup on the spot, regardless of how far into the relationship we were, regardless of how much I loved them. No discussions, nothing, it'd be over just like that. I would much rather marry someone I didn't love and have kids than marry someone I did and end up hating and resenting them for ruining my life and denying me children. I know it's different for everyone, but to me children are more important than being 'in love' with my partner.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years, together for 10 years. When we were talking marriage, we were both undecided about having children. Neither one of us has had that true burning desire. Now, I will be turning 37 soon and my husband is 39. We are both facing that mid-life freak out moment of "what am I doing with my life?" I'm more so feeling the desire to have kids and he is less so. His mid-life crisis is bringing him a desire to travel and start over on his career. When I've talked with him about possibly having children (numerous times with no conclusion,) he has either responded with, "we can have kids if you want them," or "if anything happens to me, I would rather you have our kid with you than be alone." His comments really do not persuade me that he would be happy with kids. I've been getting a bit bummed out that over the years, indecisiveness had turned to a clear no. A little background on my hubby: he is a very indecisive person, and he stays idle on things until it's too late. Most of the time I have to take command on daily decisions, but the choice to have kids should not be my sole decision. I feel like I'm having to face the fact that children is not in my future sadly because I married a passive (but great) man. I never want to live my life with regret, and herein lies the rub.
Anonymous Aug. 10,
I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I know you mean about having to make the decisions. But it sounds like your husband is saying it would be okay to have children. In this case, I would take him up on it.
What do other people think?
".....compromise is impossible, that the relationship is doomed. They say it is better to break up than to have a child you don’t want—or force a child on someone who doesn’t want to have children. Don’t date, don’t marry, don’t pretend it’s okay; it won’t work."
Hi Sue, unfortunately this is something I can relate to. My husband and I are 26, we've been together for 6 years and have always talked excitedly about the kids we would have. In the last few months he's given it more thought and doesn't think he wants kids. He knows I've dreamed of having children my whole life and understands if I choose to leave him. We're both so in love with each other, this feels like an impossible choice. We're scheduling couples therapy to help us through this. He had a rough childhood and I'm really hoping his change in tune spans from that. I pray that couples therapy will give him answers that he didn't know he needed.
Anonymous Aug. 18, I sure hope you can work it out. It sounds like you have a great relationship. Maybe he just panicked.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and half years and he has just decided that he does not want a child. I have always wanted a child and like many people here, I am completely torn between the choice of staying with him and having no children or moving on attempting to find someone I'd be as happy with to have children with. Previously we'd talk about having a child but I was always the one to bring it up and he'd agree that he wanted a child. We even talked about a name for a baby. Maybe because it's what I wanted or at least thought I wanted. He says a child is not right for him and that we could live a great life together taking care of ourselves and traveling. As someone who felt as though I was made to be a mother, surprisingly the option is weighing on me. I feel as though this as opened my eyes to a bigger question for myself as to why I wanted children. Part of me may be realizing that I've idealized having a baby not necessarily raising a child. Maybe having a baby is something I just felt was expected. I realize now these are things I need to sort out for myself and am considering counseling.
From the time we met, I felt such a connection and ease with him. We have done so many great things together, get along great, can never really stay mad at each other and I truly just enjoy the little moments in life with him. This is what makes me hesitate leaving for the opportunity to have a family with someone else. I'm just not sure I can picture the family with someone else anyway. But I know I need to be sure because the last thing I want to do is resent him for not wanting to have a child. He's 29 and I'm 28 so I do have time to make some choices.
Reading these posts have helped me realize I am not alone with what I have been feeling the past few days and has been somewhat of a comfort.
Anon. Aug. 18,you definitely have a lot of company with this problem. It's probably good that you're not married yet. It comes down to you having to decide whether he's worth giving up your dream of having children. He might not be.
My girlfriend of 8 years has just told me she does not want children. she won't even discuss it.
I'm gutted and know I can't stay with her. It is incredibly painful. She loves children and is great with them. Instead of even giving a reason she just says she is 'at peace' with her decision.
Anonymous Sept. 22, 2015,I am so sorry. This obviously needs more discussion but she's not talking about it right now. Maybe with a little time, she will be willing to explain her feelings to you. But if she isn't willing to budget and you really want kids, I suppose that's the end of it for you as a couple. What a bummer.
This is really interesting, You're a very skilled blogger.
I have joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your wonderful post.
Also, I've shared your site in my social networks!
Visit my blog post: wild raspberry ketones
I wish I could say that these comments are making me feel better. I wish this was that easy and black and white, but it isn't. My wife is 30 and me 35 and we have been together for 12 years. She had a very troubled childhood, so from early on in our relationship she was stubbornly aginst ever having kids. I was of the "wait and see" attitude since we were both young and the relationship was young too, but I always assumed that I'd father a child one day in a distant future. As we and our relationship grew, things changed and she at first became more receptive, and eventually in favor of having kids (this was about 2 years ago). By now, she was out of school and we have traveled the world and really enjoyed our 20's to the fullest. We decided not to start trying until we "got few things in order". We moved to another state and bought a bigger house. We got jobs that allowed great financial stability and ample free time.
However, now - a year later, we had a tearful discussion in which she admitted that she had recently came to a conclusion that she never wants to have kids. While she is great with kids and has spent a lot of time working with them, she values her freedom and our lifestyle too much and is not willing to give it all up. Most of our friends have children by now and we have both witnessed how much it changes everything in couples lives and relationships, so that influenced her decision as well.
For me, again, I just assumed that one day I'd have a child. The thought of it happening in the near future has always terrified me and I share some of the same sentiments that my wife has, but I am not sure I can close the door on the idea entirely.
The thoughts I'm struggling with are the possibility of regret later in life if I go along with her decision. The thought of leaving her is immobilizing to me, and I don't think I could do it, but I fear she would leave me in order to "be fair to me". I don't want kids with anybody else and I fear I would live a miserable life if I were to leave my wife for some unknown person and and a kid that hasn't even been born yet. On the other hand, I have always imagined our future with an offspring in it and it really pains me having to realign that picture.
I feel like I should say that I have been independently struggled with the kid idea and I can't honestly say that I am not 100% for it. I'd be lying if I said that the pressures of our friends and families hadn't slowly gotten to me, and I had been feeling sort of guilty for now wanting kids more than i do. I suppose I would be fine with not having any, but I didn't expect to have commit to it at this point.
Our talk is to be continued at some later date.do I am to figure out if having children is what ultimately want and then we would take steps from there. I'm not really sure what is the appropriate time frame for a "decision", or what the true options are. I feel like I will not leave my wife because of this. My instinct is to go along with it and quietly hope she would change he mind one day, but I know logically that that is not fair to her or me. I feel like I need to find a way to accept the situation - one that I'm not that opposed to anyway...
I wish this was as black and white in my mind as it is in one of Anno commenter's who said she would rather be in a bad relationship and have a child than in a childless but a loving one.
Reading back what I wrote, I realize that all of this sounds cold and calculated, but reality is that I adore my wife and we are really centers of each other's universe. I feel like that is worth preserving more than anythig.
There, against all odds, I think writing this actually helped.
Thank you for your post. I am in the midst of trying to figure out if my relationship is doomed over this very issue. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married 9 years. We are currently in our mid-thirties. As many couples do, we discussed before we got married the prospect of having children. He wanted one or two and I wanted somewhere between two and four. We figured that we'd agree on the number at a later date. The important thing (at least to me) was that he wanted children because that had always been a dream of mine. We both wanted to spend time getting our careers in order and enjoying each other. We travel frequently and generally enjoy each others company. About seven or eight years into our marriage, he began to throw things out suggesting that he wasn't sure about having kids and now, nine years in, he has given me an ultimatum that it is definitely not something he wants. I am completely torn. On one hand, my husband is a good man and I cherish our relationship. On the other hand, I feel as though I grieve daily over the prospect of never having a child. For a while now, I have been holding out hope that he'll change his mind again but I sit here and wonder if it is sensible to hold out hope for something that has a high likelihood of never coming to fruition. There will come a day when I am physically no longer able to have a child. I don't want to be resentful of him when that day comes and he was never willing to give me what I wanted. On the same token, I don't feel like it would be right to force parenthood on our relationship and have him resent me because it is not something he wants. I feel I am ultimately left with few choices, none of which have certain outcomes. I can choose him and our relationship over everything else and come to terms with never living the dream of motherhood. In a sense, I feel I already chose him, I just didn't know at the time that it meant giving up my dream. I am morally against divorce so this feels like the option I need to choose. If I were to choose motherhood over our relationship, there is no certainty that I would find someone else who would be a good husband and be interested in parenthood. I am not certain that I would want to take on that task by myself. It seems a shame to throw away eleven years of my life that I have spent cultivating a relationship with the man I love over this issue. However, this is a highly emotional issue with deep roots and it is very hard to simply let go. Furthermore, if I choose to attempt the exercise of letting go and giving up on my dream, I am highly confused on how to go about doing that.
Anonymous Dec. 10, I wish I could give you a solution to your situation, but only you can figure it out. Is your husband really aware of how much this is tearing you apart? Keep talking. I hope you can work it out.
I am glad I found this blog, reading these posts make me feel less alone. My boyfriend and best friend for the past 9 years years moved out a couple months ago because he decided that he wants kids. I will be 47 this year so having more kids is not an option and the two kids I do have are in college. This is one of the most difficult, heartbreaking things I have ever had to endure. When we first got together I asked him if he wanted kids, I was open to it but wanted to do it before I was 42. He said he didn't want kids. And for a long time being part of my kids life was enough but shortly after they were both off to college things started to change. People we knew were having kids, the younger people at the office were getting married, starting their lives together and it got him thinking about kids. I can't deny the fact that he will be a great father, he was wonderful to my kids. But I can't still believe he has left. We are both heartbroken but see no way of fixing this situation. We have been family for 9 years how do you walk away from that?
Anonymous Dec. 14, I am so sorry. There has to be a better way. You can't do anything about the fact that it's too late to have a baby. I hope you can get past this and move on.
This blog is an amazing find.
I've been with my husband for 5 years now. I'm 36, he's 49. His daughters from his first marriage are now 17 and 21. When we met, we discussed the child topic. We both were not interested in having any at that time. He because he was in the throws of co-parenting with his ex, and me because I had just survived a layoff. I'd never been married, so had never found myself in a position to have a child in the framework of a healthy, supportive marriage.
As his girls got older, and our nest emptied, I got baby fever. I shared this with him. We discussed at length. One day he surprises me by saying he wants to try. Remove the IUD, let's do this. We tried for 6 months. Made a list of baby names. He bought cabinet locks and baby shoes and told everyone in his family and work circle that we were on this amazing journey. He was ecstatic, and so was I. I let my guard down, allowing myself to trust in the hope that I really was going to get everything I've ever dreamed of. A wonderful husband AND a child of my own.
Until one day, he simply says that he can't. He doesn't want a child. Never did. But also somehow believes that he never mislead me. His reasons go back to his unhealthy first marriage. And that he simply doesn't want to start over again at this age. When I accuse him of dishonesty and ask how he could lie to me, he shuts down the conversation. How dare I accuse him of misleading me. As if I made the whole thing up. As if he never said he couldn't wait to see me as a mother and that he wanted a child with me so badly. Like I'm a crazy person and not a professional who makes logical decisions all day long for a living.
I've started counseling. He went one time, but doesn't feel like he needs to go back. Says I'm just trying to change his mind about a child. He scheduled a vasectomy for 4 days from now. Says it will give us closure so we can move forward.
So now I'm left with a decision to make. He's made it into a "take it or leave it" situation. I can either adopt as a single mom or stay in what I once considered an amazing marriage. It is hard to make a Pro/Con list for two uncertain situations! The whole thing is too surreal for words.
Yikes, Anonymous, was he inhabited by aliens or something during that period when he was all excited about having a baby? Or are the aliens in him now? This is crazy. You are down to that impossible choice so many of us face: stay with him and never have children or leave and hope you can do it on your own or with another guy? I'm not sure I could stay with a guy who changed his mind like that and now plans to have a vasectomy without considering how you feel about it. But it's your decision. I wish you all the best.
Dear friends,
I appreciate all your comments, but I urge you to move to the new site of this blog, http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com, where you will find more up-to-date comments and the latest posts.
Sue
Post a Comment