Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Is he worth it?

By the time Fred let me know that he didn't want any more children, I was in love with him and we were planning to get married. That left me with a difficult choice: stay with the man I loved or leave him in the hope I would find someone else who wanted children. I chose Fred.

It's a terrible choice to have to make. I interviewed another woman last week who found herself in a similar predicament except that they were already married. At first, neither she nor her husband had much interest in having children. However, she gradually changed her mind. He didn't. In fact, when she confessed her desire for babies, he stood firm, telling her that if she couldn't live without being a mother, she would have to find someone else. She chose to stay with her husband. Not having children causes her great pain, but she's certain she made the right decision.

Another woman told me she had left her home in another country to be with the man she loved. Only after she had said goodbye to home, family and job did he inform her that the daughter he had from a previous marriage was all the children he wanted. When I talked to her,she was still trying to decide what to do, knowing she was running out of time if she wanted to conceive a child.

Every woman I know who is childless by marriage has heard the suggestion that she forget her birth control accidentally on purpose and get pregnant. Once that happened, he would come around. But we all know that's not necessarily true. Besides, how could you trick someone you love on a matter that is so important?

Women are not the only ones in this predicament. Sometimes it's the man who wants children and finds that his wife/partner does not. So how do you decide? What do you think? Is it worth dropping an otherwise wonderful partner to look for someone who is willing to have children?

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was 38 yo when my husband would not give into giving me a child [his troubled teenager daughter fueled his feelings] At 38 I thought what were my chances of finding a nice man, get married and get pregnant in a few short year? Slim to none so I stayed. I do have me regrets and today is one of them.

Anonymous said...

I also left my home land, a good job and great friends to be with my partner. I've known from the start that he will probably never want to have children. It never used to bother me as I used to feel the same. But the older I get and in particular now that I'm living in a country where I have no family of my own and no close friends, I'm starting to feel slightly differently about motherhood. I would never pressure him to have a child with me to satisfy my needs. But sometimes I wonder if I've made a mistake. I do love him. What are my options? Stay with him and hopefully have a good life, even if childless, with him? Leave him, and perhaps find a man willing to have a family with me? How could I though when my partner is the one I love. I really thought I was more or less decided against the idea of having children. So why am I starting to feel differently...

tatawowdallacosta said...

Its a great time for me to be reading all of your words. I am about to move to another country to be with a man that is not ready for children. I am almost 'expired' (age:41). I have never had a strong urge for children, but lately I feel as if I will feel empty if I don't experience this. People with children seem to have that frantic survived-chaos look that adds 'life' to peoples lives. Whereas my life, while it may be rewarding, often feels i have to continuously ask myself 'what to do with my time now?'. Perhaps I am succumbing to 'bearing children = normal' syndrome. I have presented the boyfriend with my option B: have him impregnate me and stay in my country to raise a child on my own. Tough decision: enjoy a childless life with your potentially greatest love or raising a child alone?

torn said...

I am so glad to have found this website as all the other blogs seem all to tell me to leave my partner. I love him to pieces and so does he but is not considering having other children. He had an unwanted child at a very young age and does not feel he is capable of truly feeling in his heart that he wants to have another child. He says he prefers to not have another child if it is not something he truly wants as he knows how hurtful this would be to the child. He also feels like he has given so much so young that he wants to become stable in life before engaging into such a hard decision. I understand and I never really had the pull to have children before I met him. I don't know if I would have that desire with another man. So I am left with this dilemma within myself. What is more important, risking possibly wanting a baby with someone that I don't know that I would want one with or staying with the man that I love.At present, I am happy but I don't know if that will change. I guess the question is do I live for the present or for the future. I have made the decision to see a psychologist on this issue before making a decision. I hope you will all find peace with your decision.

Anonymous said...

We all need a crystal ball!
I had those thoughts at 30....35....36...39. Now I'm 42. Why didn't I listen to my inner voice? Trust me, your feelings will only get stronger. The older you get the clearer it becomes. It's too bad it works that way, as for me, by the time I figured it out, it was too late.