When the dog-child runs away

I sat under the tree in the backyard at midnight crying. My dog (the one in the picture, now full-grown) was gone. She ran out through a gate left ajar by the new gardener. For a while I heard her rustling through the forest that surrounds our house, but now I heard nothing but the ocean in the distance. it was a dark, cloudy night with no stars or moon showing. I had done everything I could to raise this puppy to adulthood and keep her safe, but now I didn't know if I'd ever see her again. Oh, how I cursed that gardener in my mind. The gate had looked closed, but he didn't hook the latch, so Annie must have pushed it open.

I wandered the neighborhood calling for Annie, swinging my flashlight around. The growth was too thick in most areas for a human to walk. When I didn't find her nearby, I drove my car slowly down the streets where we take our walks. Everything looked different in the dark, the trees gray and spooky, the houses dark and silent.

I was exhausted, but I couldn't go to bed without finding Annie. I feared she would be attacked by a coyote or fall into a ravine. If she got out onto the highway, she could be hit by a car as easily as the raccoons, squirrels and possums I see on the road every day.

No sign of Annie. No one to call at that hour. I was completely alone--except for God. I sent up a prayer and drove home. Once upon a time, when I had both Annie and her brother Chico, I used to be able to get them home by waiting in the open car. They'd think I was leaving and jump in. I parked my Honda Element in the garage and settled onto the tailgate with my flashlight, a box of Milkbones and the garage door remote control. In a few minutes, I heard twigs crackling. And then, praise God, Annie ran and jumped up beside me. Before she could think, I closed the garage door.

I gave her a big hug. "You're grounded," I informed her. My dog is my child. My only child. Thank God she's back.

Georgia O'Keeffe: childless artist

Georgia O'Keeffe never had children. A famous artist of the 20th century, she started painting in her teens and continued into her 90s. She lived a fascinating life. Married to Alfred Steiglitz, an art patron and her mentor, she wanted to have children but agreed with him that motherhood was incompatible with her art. She needed to focus all of her attention on her painting, and that's what she did.

Okeeffe was a strange woman who dressed in black and shunned the company of other people. She spent most of her life living alone in an adobe house in the desert. She became known at first for painting huge vivid flowers that seemed to some to be loaded with sexual imagery. Later she fell in love with the American Southwest and painted many scenes of the desert and of the bones and rocks she found there. Steiglitz proclaimed that she was the first to present a woman's view of things.

Did she wish she'd had children? Perhaps, but her art was everything.

I just finished reading a fascinating biography of O'Keeffe. Portrait of an Artist: A Biography of Georgia O'Keeffe by Laurie Lisle tells the story very well. One can find more information about the artist and her work at the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum website and at the PBS American Masters site. A Lifetime TV movie about O'Keeffe also tells her story.

This raises the perpetual question: Can a woman be a mother and an artist (writer, dancer, CEO) at the same time?

Let's Count Our Blessings

I pause at a rest stop on the way to Albany and see a young couple playing with an adorable curly-haired baby. I think, oh, I should have had that, but other visions make me glad I missed that stage of life.

I see a pregnant woman walking with difficulty to the restroom, a squalling baby in her arms. I see another pregnant woman in town, pushing her one-year-old in a stroller. She walks heavily, her face bearing the weight of the world. Is she wondering how she got herself into this?

At Fred Meyer, I get in line behind this attractive white-haired woman who has a child somewhere between 18 months and two years old her stroller. The kid is grabbing everything as she tries to put it on the conveyer belt. Grandma is flummoxed. She leaves stuff in the cart and forgets to pay for it, seems totally confused. She sends a bagger off to get her a Coke. He brings regular and caffeine-free, not sure what she wants. She says, "Oh I need the caffeine; I'm taking care of three grandchildren."

I plunk my light bulbs, tea and moisturizer on the conveyer belt, glad I don't have to deal with any of this. Sometimes I feel bad about not having children, but other times, I think, "Oh, thank you, Lord."

Think about it. As much as we might mourn our loss of children, there are some good things about not having children. Let's make a list.

I'll start:

1)I'm not wrestling a child at the grocery store.
2I can go to the bathroom in peace.
3)I'm not exhausted from being pregnant and taking care of a one-year-old at the same time.

What else should be on the list?

The Joy of Little Voices

I have been leading the children in song at our Vacation Bible School this week. I'm finding that it's fun. Somewhere along the way, I moved from seeing every child as a reminder of what I don't have to simply enjoying children wherever I find them. They're delightful, all jammed into the pews singing in their high voices, doing all the gestures, up, down, turn around, hands in the sky, hands to the ground, etc. Their young brains learn the songs far quickly than we can. Singing with them allows me to feel young and be goofy, too.

These little guys and girls have boundless energy, so I'm not sorry when they run off to their lessons and someone has else has to worry about keeping them from tearing the place apart. My music gives me a way to interact with them that fits my abilities and my temperament.

If you're grieving over not having children, I understand. I have cried so many tears over this issue, but believe me, it really does get easier. Meanwhile, love the kids around you and know that while you are not a mother, you can play a role in their lives, even if it's singing "Pharoh, Pharoh" to the tune of "Louie, Louie."

A Welcome Addition to the Literature

There's a new book out I wanted to share with you:


Two is enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living childless by Choice by Laura S. Scot,Seal Press, 2009.

Scott has made voluntary childlessness her mission in life. She founded the Childless by Choice Project and has conducted extensive surveys and interviews to present a clear picture of what it means to be childless by choice. Although a tad didactic--we don’t all care about the statistical details that she seems to labor so hard over--this is a well-researched and sympathetic book. Scott offers sound advice for those who have not yet made the decision of whether or not to have children. She also provides extensive information and resources, including books, groups and websites. Overall, Scott’s view is that we need to learn to accept each other, no matter what our choices are regarding parenthood, and this book is a good step in that direction. If you changed the theme from childfree to childless by marriage, this is the type of book I originally set out to write, although mine has changed in scope over time. Check it out.

Sex and No Baby

I just saw the second "Sex and the City" movie last weekend. To those who criticize its total lack of redeeming social value, I say, what's wrong with just having fun? But beyond that, it really grabbed my attention when the question of whether or not to have children came up. If you haven't seen the movie, I hope I'm not spoiling anything. Early in the movie, Mr. Big asks Carrie if she wants to have children, and she says she doesn't think so. Throughout the movie, she makes a point of their marriage being just the two of them forever. One couple reacts rather badly when she tells them that they aren't having children. I wonder now if Carrie says she doesn't want kids because she's pretty sure Big doesn't want them.

We can all guess what Samantha's views on motherhood would be: forget about it. Charlotte and Miranda both have kids. So we see at least two sides of the question of whether or not to be parents and how it affects one's life.

Is "Sex and the City" unrealistic and over the top? You bet. It's sheer fantasy. But even here, our characters come up against those who believe that the next step after marriage must be motherhood.

Comments?

New Childless Book

Australian author Justine Davies has put together a new book called An Inconceivable Notion. In it, 18 people who are childless not by choice tell their stories. They came to be childless in varying ways, but I think you will identify with what they say. Among the issues discussed are fertility treatments, marrying someone who doesn't want kids, dealing with relatives and friends who keep bugging them about having children, and feeling left out among friends who are all parents.

Davies, who has three daughters, is a freelance writer, blogger and author of How to Afford a Baby and How to Afford a Husband. For more information about the book, visit her website at http://www.justinedavies.com/Site/An_Inconceivable_Notion.html. You might also enjoy her blog posts on the subject at http://blogs.news.com.au/moneystuff/index.php/news/comments/being_childless_not_by_choice/ and http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/what-not-to-say-to-your-childless-friends.


An Inconceivable Notion, due out today, June 1, is available at bookstores and online from Finch Publishing at www.finch.com.au.