Is Childless by Marriage just for
women? No, definitely not. Sometimes it seems as if this is an all-girls site,
but I welcome men as well as women. Both men and women struggle with the same
issues about children. One wants them and the other doesn’t. One can’t have
them, and the other can’t imagine life without them. The relationship, the
engagement, or the marriage is in danger. Should they go? Should they stay?
Sometimes I wish we were back in the olden days when everybody who got married
had kids, and if they didn’t want children, they didn’t get married.
Of course men are not the ones who
get pregnant, and they are not the ones whose fertility ends in their 40s, so
that part is different, but their comments sound pretty similar to the ones I
get from women.
Let me share a few of the men’s
comments I have received lately. I encourage you readers to respond to each
other. I don’t have all the words of wisdom. You can find all of these comments
under the post, If You Disagree About Children, is Your Relationship Doomed?
Anonymous said...
Hello, I don't know if this post is
strictly for women but I'm a 37 year old male with 45 year old gf. We've been
friends since I was 27 but began dating at 30. I've never been married and I
have no kids, she has been married and has 2 kids which both are now married.
She has 2 grandkids, a 2 year old and a newborn. I didn't begin to think about
kids until her first grandson was born but she was 42 at the time. Now at 45 it
would be a high risk. Friends and co workers around us are having kids left and
right and I can't deny that it is eating me inside. She said that it's written
all over my face when we see a baby and or her grandkids. She wants me to be
happy and is willing to sacrifice by losing me, I just don't know if I'm
willing to lose her for the chance of having a child. Any thoughts greatly
appreciated.
Anonymous:
Hi,
My wife is leaving me because I don't want a second child and it's killing me.
I feel I am being punished for that decision. She says she always wanted two
but she never talked to me about it, so now I face becoming a part time dad and
I don't know what to do .
Anonymous said...
Hello everyone, I am going through a
terrible situation with my girlfriend. We have been together for 7 years now.
We are both immigrants (she is from Russia and I am from Brazil) who live in
Los Angeles. I am 32 and she is 35. Her mother passed away in 2010 due to a
brain tumor. Since then she has become addicted to the idea of having a child.
At the moment I do not feel that crazy desire to be a father. I moved to the
U.S. kind of late in life at 25 and I am just now transferring to a four-year
university to get a degree in business. I have a degree in Physical Education
from Brazil, but the hassle to get it validated here was so time consuming that
I decided to do something else. I am also not happy with my career because my
work is unstable and the pay is very low. On the other hand, she moved here
when she was 13 and had her whole education in the U.S. She is very successful
in her career and she is stable financially. Four years ago I asked her to help
me to pay for school so I could finish faster but she said she was not
interested to spend her money like that.
It made me concerned because if she
wants a family with me, how is going to be when the kid arrives? I have no
financial means to provide for a kid. Not even half of the bills for a child.
It really scares me that I may find myself in a situation where I won't be able
to support my son/daughter. I am feeling terrible because I cannot make her
happy. I can see that she resents me because she picks up fights all the time
for silly reasons. The other night she said that is better for us to go apart.
I just cried for the whole day and I am feeling lonely and worthless. It kills
me that I am not enough for her and that I cannot make her happy. She said that
she wants me to be a stay in dad, but I am very independent and I believe that
I must have a career. It would be better for both of us if I have one. I fear
that once the baby arrives she will just break up with me and leave in a
difficult situation. I would not be able to abandon a child.
I moved here on my own and I have no
family in the states. Our relationship was one of the main reasons that made me
stay in the country. I also understand that she is coming close to 40 and that
it might become harder to become pregnant, but she does not want to wait any
longer. Am I being a jerk or too selfish? It is just killing me that the whole
focus of my adult life is coming to an end. I just want her to be happy and she
deserves all the best. It just hurts that I am not good enough. I believe that
the best should be to leave her alone and not interfere on her life. I want her
dreams to come true. I wish I could have a normal job so I could help and give
her what she wants. I struggled financially since I got here. It took me 7
years to get a green card and now (after 9 years) things are getting better. I
just don’t want to struggle right now and I want to get my college degree before
a kid. What should I do?
***
Well, dear readers, what do you think? I welcome your comments.
11 comments:
Wow, every one of those is so hard. I empathize with them so much; their words bring such passion and depth to their heartache.
I don't have the perfect answer because it truly is up to each individual and their priorities.
I know that for me, being a woman of faith, I would have to pray and God to help me know what is the right thing to do FOR ME. I am responsible for me, my actions and my decisions in this life, no one else.
I read the book 'I'm taking my eggs and going home.' The author broke up with a man largely in part because he didn't want children & she did; years later HE married and had children. (While SHE remained infertile and childless.)
My point is that leaving someone to have children...well, I know it sounds like a good answer in theory .....but there is an underlying assumption that one CAN even have children to begin with, and 99% of people don't know for sure they can or can't have kids until they actually try to conceive and either fail or succeed. So in terms of these men one of my practical, logical suggestions is to see a urologist and have their sperm tested before exiting a long-term relationship so they know for sure they can or can't. I know that is kind of out in left field but perhaps I've known a lot of both men and women who battle infertility.
If the sperm test is normal, then it's time to make a list of positives and negatives about the relationship, pray for guidance, and perhaps visit a counselor/therapist once or twice to get a professional's perspective (aka the "bigger picture"**) and topics/subjects brought to light that one may not have thought of on their own.
** I have to say the "bigger picture" because I've been down this road for over 20 years, and can guarantee you that a person who wants a baby has chronic tunnel vision and tends to overlook the obvious sometimes. Male or female.
Hope this makes sense. Heartbreaking subject.
Ruthie, Thank you. You make a lot of good points. And yes, it is hard to see the big picture when you want a baby so bad that's all you can see.
Dear Anonymous #3,
It sounds like your girlfriend is not interested in a future with you. After being together for 7 years, you should be a solid team. If she's not interested in spending "her" money to help you go to school, then she's not investing in the future you would have together.
Sounds to me like she wants to use you as a sperm bank.
I'd have some discussions about planning for the future together (marriage, combining finances, life goals, etc). If she's not interested in any of those things, I think you need to move on. I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but it sounds as if she just wants to have a baby with you because she's worried about running out of time, not because she wants to have a future with you.
I wish you luck with your decision.
I was pleased to see this topic, and I am hoping to get things off my chest with this comment.....forgive my complaining, please.
I'm a 34 year old childless man. My wife has two boys from her previous marriage, and due to health issues is infertile. Though I've always wanted a child, I delayed it as some do, waiting for the 'right' time, financial stability, etc, etc. However, the older I have gotten, the stronger the desire has grown. Now, the powerful sadness of not having a child, of not feeling a real part of our family, and the resentment and feeling second class my step sons father and my wife as the biological parents has begun to consume me and bring about a depression that I didn't know was possible.
I have always had a great desire for us to be as close to a conventional family as possible. I've poured my heart, soul, years, resources, time into it, yet the results I hoped for always eluded me. The father pays no child support, and it falls to me provide, clothe, and care for the boys, which I happily do. But doing homework with them, but never allowed to a teacher conference, maintaining all responsibilities of a parent but I'm not and never will be called 'Dad', is a torture that I'm not familiar with. Simply, I feel resentful, hurt, and lonely from what I perceive my role to be: second class, outsider, not good enough.
No matter what I do, I'll never have the bond my wife does with her ex. I'll never have those experiences with her, and its hitting me for the first time that this is my reality. I love my wife dearly, which is perhaps an aggravating circumstance to my emotion. It's my own fault for making the choices in life I have. I just hoped for more, and I'm understanding that that hope was foolish.
Thank you for providing a venue to vent.....this has been eating me alive. I've browsed your blog and it helps to know that it isn't just me, that maybe I'm not completely weird in my feelings.
Thank you for sharing this, Mr. Anon Aug. 11. You prove that no matter whether one is a man or woman, this is a difficult and painful situation with no easy answers. You are not weird for feeling the way you do. I pray you can find some peace.
To the annonymous 34 yr old childless man@I am sorry for you but it seems you are carrying around the idea you must have a bio child to feel complete. Many people have children young and it doesnt always turn out well. Stop beating yourself up. Maybe you should sit your wife down and tell her these exact things.
I am the anonymous from 11 Aug. I appreciate both responses.
In the beginning I didn't feel compelled to have a biological child to feel I had a family or children. However, in retrospect, this may be because I had unrealistic expectations. I felt that in time, I would clearly be viewed as the father figure in my household. I do not believe this is the case in reality however. My wife and her ex husband are clearly the parents, and in the end when it gets down to brass tacks, I am
clearly not relevant in any decision making. They detest each other, and I think this may have created a territorial feeling in my wife regarding the boys due to the constant conflict between her and her ex.
Further, I underestimated the feelings, confusion, and trauma the boys have regarding their father. Though it was the father that left them and has had extended periods of neglect and absences from the boys, it has done nothing to lessen their desire to have a strong relationship with him (and far be it from me to interfere in such a situation). He is Dad. I am little more than a guy they live with that their mom is married to. Please don't misunderstand me.....things are not hostile. But it is nothing resembling a parent/child relationship. Having seen my friends and their step children, I hoped and expected to have the same. I thought that was normal. Apparently not in all cases though, as I am learning recently.
I can't control how the boys feel, and they have every right to feel the way they do. I had just hoped for more, and a much different dynamic. Such is life I suppose.
You might be surprised to learn that some men would prefer to marry a woman that is past the age of having children.
Anon, I can see that. No eggs, no drama.
Sue,
marrying a woman that is past the age of having children makes a certain amount of sense for someone that is sterile naturally or is sterile as a side effect of some medical treatment (such as hernia repairs, nerve blocks, etc.)
varicoceles, repeated cases of epididymitis, anejaculation are things that naturally occur in a certain percentage of the male population and a certain amount of us have multiple issues that make having children impossible and marrying someone else that cant have any for whatever reason makes a lot of sense.
I was very touched by a few stories I've read about where girls had premature menopause in their teens or twenties and didn't think anyone would every want them and wound up marrying someone who married them because they loved them and simply accepted them as they were.
Some fellows will marry someone who cant have children because of 'no eggs no drama' and some marry because of love and because other women wouldn't touch them.
Marrying for love and accepting someone as they are is the best. Two folks falling in love and realizing they accept each other when most of the rest of the world considers them to be rubbish brings those two people together in a very special way.
Anonymous Oct. 11, Thank you for this comment. It gives me comfort, and I hope it does the same for other readers.
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