Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Would you marry someone who is infertile?



We often talk here about couples in which one partner is not willing to have children. Sometimes they discuss it before they get married. Other times it comes as a rude surprise to the partner who wants kids. But what about situations where one partner, for whatever reason, physically cannot make babies? What if you knew that going in? Would you sacrifice children for love?

I’ve been doing a little reading about marriages in which a partner is infertile. Many of the listings that come up are religious discussions. As you might expect, the Catholics dominate. The main thought is that for a marriage to be valid, the couple must have a sexual union. That means if a partner is impotent, i.e., can’t have sex, and they know it before the wedding, they can’t have a valid marriage. If it happens later, that’s okay. But if the couple is infertile, that does not invalidate the marriage. If their sexual union does not result in children, they’re still married.

Some folks are using the same arguments in their debate about gay marriage. After all, a same-sex couple cannot  procreate without outside help. But they do have a sexual union. I’m not going to get into whether or not gay marriage is a good thing. I think if people love each other, they should be allowed to be together. Period. But it does underscore the question I am asking today: Would you marry someone who is unable to provide the necessary sperm or egg to conceive a child? Or is that a deal breaker?

In my case, I knew Fred had had a vasectomy, and I knew it had taken 16 years for him and his first wife to get pregnant. But in my usual unrealistic way, I figured we could overcome all that and pop out some babies while I was still in my fertile 30s. What if I had known that there was absolutely no chance? What if instead of saying he didn’t want more children, he’d said, “I can’t.” Would I have married him? I honestly don’t know. I think I would have. I really loved him and didn’t have other prospects. But I’d have been forced to consciously choose a life without the children I always thought I’d have. (Yes, we could have had the adoption talk and I would have learned that no, he didn’t want to do that, so the result would have been the same, but that’s a whole other discussion.) 

What if I were the one with the fertility problem? Would I expect a man to give up children for me? Would I be constantly afraid that no man would have me if I couldn’t give him sons and daughters? How and when would I tell the guys I dated? Would I feel guilty about depriving them of kids?

When couples disagree, that’s hard, but infertility is a whole other thing, full of sadness. It’s not a rare thing either. The U.S.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention web site lists statistics for infertility. The percentage of women ages 15-44 with “impaired fecundity” is 10.9 percent or 6.7 million. Stop and think about that. One in 10. On the male side in the same age group, 13.9 percent were surgically sterile (usually vasectomy), 4.2 percent sterile for other reasons and another 5.2 percent considered subfertile, meaning conception was possible but not likely. That’s a lot of guys, nearly a quarter of them.

So how do you feel about that? Would you marry someone you knew was infertile? I would love to hear what you think about this.

87 comments:

certainlydifferent said...

I Married an infertile since early childhood medications ruined his testosterone. He told me after we were engaged. I never thought the man I would love would either never be able to have kids nor would he want them. so it never came up before then. He knew for about 9 years before he met me, and I kinda wish he would have mentioned it before we got serious. But I love him and he is perfect for me in every other way. Adoption failed but mostly because we refused to do private adoption and he wasnt as keen for it as I was until it was clear it wasnt going to happen GAAHHH!!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Thank you for sharing this, Certainly. It's a tough situation, but you seem to be hanging together on this.

newmumover40 (to be!) said...

I met my husband when I was 38. He is 5 years younger. Before we married he had to consider the possibility that we wouldn't be able to have children together. At that stage, we had already been trying unsuccessfully for three years. He really wants children, as do I, and it was an issue he really had to work through. But in the end, he still wanted to be with me above all else. I am so very happy for that!!

Anonymous said...

I married a man who had had a vasectomy. I was 37 and he was 43. Right before I met my husband, I had just gotten out of a five year relationship that was very emotionally troublesome--I knew I could never move forward with him but had the most difficult time leaving him. I wasted most of my 3os. Before this, I wasted a big part of my 20s being in another wrong relationship. In between those times I wouldn't settle for anyone who didn't meet a criteria. I turned down many opportunities with marriage and family potential...more wasted time and all my fault. Back to the man I married, which was six years ago now. Two months after we married he had a vas reversal that was unsuccessful. I am realizing now that I won't have children and I am having such a difficult time with this. I experience anxiety and depression thinking I am going to die almost daily because I feel I am worthless and inferior to other women now. I never was like this before...I don't feel like a woman. I don't want to be miserable about it any more. I want to feel empowered like I once did before it was important for me to have children. I don't think I will ever be ok with this. I have regrets of marrying my husband because I feel I still had time at 37. At the time though, I was looking to escape a life that I couldn't free myself from. My husband is a loyal and dependable spouse though and I don't believe it would be right to leave because I couldn't have children with him. I have much anger toward myself. I have tried to find a counselor without children who is not younger than I; it is difficult to find. All of my friends have kids and they don't understand one bit. I don't know what to do anymore.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

I guess I struck a nerve with this one. Newmum, congrats on your happy marriage. I'm not sure I understand how your name connects with the situation. Are you still trying to conceive? Anyway, I'm happy you are happy with each other. That's a wonderful thing.

Anonymous Aug. 27, this is just the kind of pickle I was talking about. You love him, he can't father children, you want children, now what do you do? Somehow I think you have to accept the situation and be glad that after a series of bad relationships, you have found this wonderful guy. He had the reversal surgery, which proves he would have kids with you if he could. You're right about the difficulty of finding counselors who understand. Mine has kids, too, and that's an area in which she is absolutely no help. But please hang in there. There is much to be enjoyed in life even without children.

Catherine said...

I read this with great interest as I can't have children. I had to have a hysterectomy and now can't have children obviously. I do fear that I am not good enough for someone who wants children-that I would not be worthy of love over having a child. Who would really love me despite this? I do have a long term friendship with someone but haven't done anything about being more because I know he wants to have children and I can't have them so I just figure that is not in the cards for us or if it is, can I ever let him love me despite this?

I do see a counselor and it's great but I still do wonder what is out there for me? Someone with kids who lost a wife or is divorced? Maybe, maybe not.

I struggle a great deal seeing my coworkers doing all the things one thinks they will do-get married and have kids but I am worried I will never let anyone really love me and why would they since I can't have kids. Clearly, this is an issue for me and I do talk with my counselor a great deal about it but it is still a downer most of the time.

But, I tell myself it's all for some reason and I hope someday soon I know what the reason is and much good comes from it. Some days are easier than others of course, but there are days that I do wonder if I will ever know that reason. I sure hope I know it soon.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh Catherine, tough situation. This is exactly what I was talking about. So hard. I'm glad you're working with a counselor. Don't give up on men. I know we all get tired of hearing it, but there are possibilities, such as adoption or surrogates. I wish you all the best.

Karam said...

I think marriage is based on Love and love doesn't see fertility or infertility. But actually all it depends upon the couple to couple.. Some don;t matter and some do...

Savannah said...

I was a month past my 18 birthday when I married my husband, who was barely 19. His parents fought us tooth and nail through the entire engagement telling us how "young we were."

And yet, after being married for 6 years, we finally learned the hubs had a zero sperm count. When we mentioned it to his mom she said, "oh ya, its because of that steriod drug you took for your kidney infection when you were 17."

That was the FIRST time this came up!

I've always wondered why they didn't try to use that in their campaign to stall our marriage. Really, its probably because their religion believes in no sex before marriage and they didn't want us "fooling around" if we knew we wouldn't have a pregnancy scare.

But really, 6 years after we were married this finally came up!

But even if she had told us when we were young, I still would have married him. I love him that much.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Savannah,
You nailed it in your last sentence: "I love him that much." That's what it takes to overcome the no-kids situation. I can't believe his parents didn't say anything all that time. That's just not right. Thank you for sharing this.

Anonymous said...

I am a 32 year old woman, who for medical reasons cannot have children. I have known from a young age and after some of the obvious problems of coming to terms with that, I am fine about it.
My personal feeling is that in the world there are many children who are born whose parents are not able to care for them and who need adopting. I have always told myself that this is the reason why I was born the way I was, and that is why I have always planned to adopt.
When I met my partner, I told him early on that I could never have children. He had two children already. But for me, to not adopt would negate all that I had ever hoped for. I told him that I couldn't be with him unless he was prepared to adopt. He was behind the idea, but I would have left him if he wasn't prepared to adopt. It would have been very hard.
We are now married and looking to start the process.
Everybody deals with infertility differently. For me, the idea of hiding it from a partner is impossible to consider, but telling a partner is also very hard.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain Catherine. I did feel this way at some point. But I believe the way you feel will pass.
I am infertile and was born this way (with no womb) and yes at first I though, 'how will anybody want me?'
But people will fall in love with you regardless, like my husband did with me. The important thing for me was to become satisfied and happy about who I was. Ok, so I couldnt become a biological mum, but I could adopt. So this became my way of having kids and I accepted this as my role in parenthood.
I hope your work with your counselor is helping you accept that you are a wonderful and whole person in spite of your infertility, and that it helps you realise that there will undoubtedly be somebody you will meet who you will love and who will love you in return, irrespective of infertility.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous 1 and 2, Thank you for these comments. They give hope to all of us. I know we wish we had our own biological children, but I admire how you have accepted your situation and made plans to adopt and how you made your partners understand that adoption was part of the deal. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I found your blog. I'm married for about 17 months now (9 years together) and just found out my DH has zero sperm count.
I love him so much, can't imagine I ever leave him.
Our only chance on having a biological child is if they find sperm through a micro deletion tese. But chances on that are max. 30-50%.
Besides that suffers my DH a disease and I'm so affraid of being alone some day. No kids, no husband. Just a grieving widow in a very silence house. I can't handle that idea.
And because of that I hope he will open up about the donating idea so we can parent some kids. But I realize that's a very hard thing as well, accepting it's not biological ours...

It's the first year ever I'm not looking forward to the Holidays and seeing all pregnant familymembers.

Thanks for blogging!
Regards from Europe

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Oct. 13, I glad you found us. I'm so sorry you and your husband are in this situation. It may take him some time to get used to the idea, but hope you can find a way to have children. As a childless widow, I can tell you the silence is pretty bad sometimes--but most of the time I enjoy my life. I have my dog and my work and lots of great friends. It's not the end of the world. But I know what you mean about the holidays. I dread them. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

It's my birthday today :/ I'm 38. My boyfriend of 2 months just told me he's been thinking about how he doesn't want to string me along because he knows I want kids and he is not sure if/when he will. He had a vasectomy 3 years ago but reassured me he could have a reversal and the odds of it being successful are good by his standards.
I'm at a crossroads and I just need some strength. Thank you for your blog.

Anonymous said...

My husband has been diagnosed with Sertoli cell only syndrome. Since his dx 6 momths ago, I have been sad and angry. I am seeing a counselor but dont know how to get past this. Just tonight, he told me he wanted a divorce because I can't seem to get past this. I love him but maybe he's right.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Nov. 10, to clarify for everyone, Sertoli cell only syndrome means he can't produce viable sperm. I'm so sorry for you both. Now it comes down to deciding which would be more unbearable, life without your husband or life without children. It's a terrible choice. Dare I suggest adoption? I hope you both can find peace with this situation.

Anonymous said...

I would be happy to find out that husband is infertile actually.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon Jan. 16, Why do you say that?

superorduffer said...

hi Anonymous,
Am a male infertile since childhood with aero sprem count an indian, read your blog ...was used to be depressed as i know i will not marry because what i used to think that no girl can understand this...( as i had talked this matter to my previous girlfriends and after listening to this they dump me...as i never lie to any girl with whom i want to marry) ....but after reading all blog writers i feel that love do exist...and i will now look for a women who is infertile so that we can adopt kids and will again believe in marriage.

Anonymous said...

Hi, my partner has 4 children- I have 0 children. He had a vasectomy reversal and it failed- not 1 sperm was found in the sample :-( anyway we are planning to get married next year. I love him but it's hard watching him play happy families with his children when me and him will never share that experience. I think things would be much easier for me if he was childless too or maybe I'm being selfish? I love him but can't help having sad days when all the questions flood my mind.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Of course it's hard, Anonymous 4/16. How disappointing that his reversal failed. And it is going to be hard sometimes, but if you really love each other, you can make it work. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sue, I ran into your blog after asking the almighty Google if men marry infertile women (haha!)

I don't usually read blogs let alone comment on them but the subject and the stories folks' have been sharing really struck me.

I am 23 years old and after 3 years living with hot flashes and a vacant menstrual cycle I went to see a doctor. After getting the runaround I was informed that not only do I have a thyroid disease but I also have 1-3 other diseases that result in infertility (waiting for test results).

I adore children and have been struggling. I am currently not in a relationship but now that is all I think about. When do you tell the guy? How do you say it? Do nice guys marry infertile women? So many questions.

All of a sudden my life feels like it is going to be very long and very lonely!

Anyway, thank you for opening up the subject on this topic-I am finding out it is vastly overlooked and misunderstood.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon May 8, I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm suddenly thinking about my own thyroid disease and wondering if I could have gotten pregnant if I'd had the chance. Too late now. As for your question, I think you can see by reading here and at other childless sites that a lot of men don't want children and would be thrilled to find out that wasn't an issue with you. So don't give up. There are ways not to be lonely.

Anonymous said...

i am 23 and recently i came to know that i am having non obstructive azoospermia. i am going through a lot of community group but all i am seeing is couples which their partner is having problem and not able to conceive a child. i think at least they got each other to support. i think i will be left alone and its not so easy to find such kind of love these days. i am from India and tradition comes first here so no one will accept me as a husband or as son in law and all this thoughts are really killing me everyday. i had lot of dreams about my future but now it seems like i have none. those who have this blessing can say simply that this is not a problem, this and that, but i only know how i am feeling it, suffering it. i am unlucky or didn't have that blessing and unfortunately i am not married or didn't even fallen in love to anyone yet and now it seems like i won't forever. hope is the one thing that fuels life to move forward and dreams are the ones that motivates life and what if we lose both? sometimes it all seems like funny to me. i hoped and dreamed something and life taking me to another. Whatever it is i am a living disaster now and i am good at one thing always putting smile on my face and making others laugh even though i am breaking inside.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I am so sorry you are going through this. At 23, you are very young. Don't give up hope. There is someone who will love you and support you.You will find her.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jane Smith said...

I am sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. I can understand!!! I married my husband at 39. We met at 38. At that time the Dr said I had above average AF count. My thyroid and AMH normal. The Drs where surprised by my fertility health. The average AF ct for a women of 35-37 had my count at 39. I learned during my engagement that my husband of 42 was diagnosed with Sertoli Cell only. He has a zero sperm count. I have never had the opportunity to even try for 1 yr to have children. It is a sad situation. We tried 3 times with frozen donor sperm with failure. We rely on my income and I can't miss a lot of work and every month I miss my chance of having a baby. It is killing me. Both me and my husband work with women all around having babies. Four women at my husbands office and 1 at mine are all on maternity leave. My husbands mother asked me if I'm too old to have kids. I have to lie for him and deal with stigmas due to his infertility. I have never had an STD. My tubes aren't blocked. I don't have endometriosis. I have no past or pre existing medical conditions. I have always tried to maintain a healthy life style. I even floss;) My husband has a past history of STD that he developed while being in the military in his 20's. He dips and had a sauna. He is very handsome but he is considered overweight. He did so much wrong for his fertility. I am resenting him. He behaves as if we have forever to get pregnant. He is a very educated man but like many he

Jane Smith said...

Cont.. Sometimes I'm fine. At work when I'm focused things seem to disappear. When I'm reminded I want to reach for a gun to kill myself. It is very difficult. No one believes that I am so healthy besides my mother and the Drs and my husband who know my results. I told my husband I could deal with things easier if they told me that I could not have children but to know I am above average with my reproductive health and have no one to help me have a child fills me with hopelessness and pain. I will try not to lose my faith . Just hang in their bc you are NOT alone.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Jane, what a bummer. Why doesn't your husband tell his family he's the one who's infertile? Then at least they'd get off your back. Would you consider using sperm from another source?
I hope you find a way to figure this out.
And nope, you're not alone.

jerald gonzales said...

Have you find the solution to your problem my friend? I thnnk I could help

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Superorduffer,
I now this must be terribly difficult in a society where so much emphasis is placed on having children. I hope you can find someone who will accept you just for yourself.

Anonymous said...

I am 25 , came to about it one year ago , till now I am taking testiviron 250 ... But its not showing its result .... I am still look like a kid of 16 to 18 having less facial hairs. In India there is a tradition of arrange marriages . for me life is like hell .. Actually I dont know what is the purpose of mine on this earth I don't have girl friend . In India the age of getting married is 25 - 29 . my family also thinking the same .. I am very practical person, all I know is one thing that I will not ruin any girls life , and I also don't want .. I know my whole life is lonely ... Actually from last one year I am aimless . you know I love to smile, I also love kids so much , and see what god gave me as a gift..

Anonymous said...

As a guy I see no problem to marry an infertile woman who is qualified as my right life partner. To me it's not obvious that as married couple we have to rise up our own biological child or even any child at all. As the greatest creature of creator we have a lot of positive things to do together whenever possible in order to ulfill our life and make it successful.

I personally don't feel any obviousness in children or future generations. However, all people don't feel and perceive in the same way.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am an Indian girl (27) and due to some medical problem even I cannot have children. It was heart breaking news...I felt incomplete and whenever I see couples around me happy and enjoying I become sad because I feel why cant live a happy life. I want to marry and very honestly I told this to the person whom I was seeking but he refused. it really feels bad. I want someone who can complete me, who can love me. I am optimistic on this that one day I will get someone.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry for your troubles. I hope you can find that special someone someday soon.

Anonymous said...

Thanks sue

Anonymous said...

Hi..m 27 indian girl. I ws reading about u..i can understand. Even i hv sm prblm so gng frm this nly.

Anonymous said...

as a male in his early twenties most people don't take me seriously when I say I don't want children ever it's always "oh one day you will see" or "oh you will change your mind" I wont, so really for me a girl who is infertile would be just fine, if i were infertile,I would have no issue with it but i also would not adopt or try artificial insemination or a surrogate because i dont like kids or want them so to the question yeah for sure I would marry someone who was infertile as long as they understood my position as well (if i believed in marriage) and secondly to those who cannot have children and do want them I am sorry and I hope that medical science one day holds a better fix for this than they have now

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous male, thank you for your comment. I hope you're upfront with women you date about your feelings. There are a lot of women who feel the same way you do, and it would be a relief to someone who is infertile to find a guy like you who doesn't want children. I wish you the best of luck.

Karla Miller said...

I am 39 and my husband is 45. He has a 14 years old child from a previous relationship. He got diagnosed with male infertility - low sperm count and low quality - before we got married. We knew that it would be difficult and we only had a chance with ICSI. So far we had 3 failed ICSIs and I find it harder and harder to see him with his child. Seeing him beefing happy family with his child and not being able to give me a child just breaks my heart every time I hear them talk or laugh. I don't know how to deal with this anymore and how to forgive him for what this is doing with me. I love him and leaving him wouldn't be an option. Adoption or donor sperm neither because it will be like - he has his child and I have mine - it wouldn't work. I don't know how to get out of this. I feel more and more depressed and hate the days his child is here. And that is often. I like his child but nothing more. I really don't know what to do anymore about my broken heart ... :(

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Karla, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You have the double whammy because of your infertility and having to deal with your stepchild. Is there someone you can talk to about this? It sounds like you need to step away from the situation for a while and get some perspective to figure out how to deal with it. I hope you can find some peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

Well yeah that's wrong infertility is not a end there are many other ways of having kids.. best one is adopting one this way u give life to a orphan too.

Depressed but Hopeful said...

Dear all,

It is really sad for such a situation to exist. Infertility is just like any other medical problem anyone would have. I'm infertile too, and have been rejected by guys for marriage because of this. I'm 24 and parents are worried whether is marriage destined for me or no. It is depressing indeed to know why infertile men/women cannot be accepted as they are capable of leading a normal life too, just cannot produce children that's all. There are so many children who do not have parents too, it can be easily balanced. Would request and urge anyone to not see this as an issue, as I would not want anyone to go through the heartbreaks that I have gone through. I have hope and faith that the best is in store for me, and I will wait for that moment to occur, even if it takes a lifetime.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Hopeful, thank you for your comment and for your positive attitude. I hope you find Mr. Right very soon.

Anonymous said...

My situation is a little different than most above. I'm 18 and have know for a year that I'm infertile. I hardly know when and how and if to tell my friends let alone men I'm seeing. It's hard, I have so many questions. Will I be able to find a good man who is willing to accept the fact that we may never start a family? Or someone who will be able to understand and willing to handle my moments of disconnect?

I just finished first year University for teaching, I know my career choice will bring hardships but it's all I've ever wanted to do. I have a bond with children, I see special things in them and them in me.

How can I expect to find a man to cherish me when I'm not always up to that same task?

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous May 14,
That's a tough situation. I don't think you need to broadcast your infertility, but certainly before a relationship gets serious, the guy needs to know. I guess you'll need to initiate a conversation about children. Maybe someday when you're watching other people's kids, you could say, "I wish I could have one of those," and then when he responds, explain that you can't. I don't envy you, but at least you won't be indecisive about it. You already know. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

hi guys, it was interesting to find that such a blog existed... I am 34 yrs old woman and after a string of relationships with the wrong guys finally met someone really special... he is all I have ever wanted in a partner and I was so happy to have finally found him, until the moment he told me that cos of a leukaemia treatment in his 20-ies, he can not have children of his own now and said that if he can not have children which are genetically his - he simply doesn't want to have any... he also sometimes suffers from erectile problems, which I know now are also a result of that aggressive chemotherapy he had to undergo back then....
for now I am afraid, I put the relationship on hold but I think I am gonna completely end it.
I would appreciate other opinions on this one, but I want to have children and this news absolutely killed me. he is the most adorable man in the world and makes me so happy, he's simply the perfect man for starting a family with, but I think I have to be honest - this happiness is going to disappear very quickly with the time, especially if we try with frozen sperm and so on and it eventually doesn't work. I just can not imagine life without having proper family with kids and I think if I stay with him now - am gonna either hate myself for the wasted years and opportunities later or will hate him for not being able to give me a child. which is obviously not his fault and something he told me about at an early stage of our relationship, which I very much appreciate.
but the truth is, as much as I love him and the absolutely amazing and caring man he is, I think with the time the relationship will end in a very ugly way and with a lot of blame on both sides if I stay with him and we don't manage to get children (frozen sperm for example) in the next 2-3 years. I cried for 2 days before taking this decision, but I think it is the right one and for the best for both of us. I do not want to get to the stage where my fertile years and chance to have children are gone and I hate him and blame it all on him.
he simply doesn't deserve such a bad treatment and I do not seem to be able to come to terms with the idea of not being able to have own children and to have to pump myself with hormones and other crap and some unknown man's sperm just for the sake of having ANY kid... or have to look for sex somewhere else cos his erectile problems have become bigger....
and we are not 50+ years old, where the marriage is less sexual and doesn't have to be about having babies....
am crying while writing this, but I just don't see another way for both of us to be happy in the future...

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry. It sounds like you have made up your mind on this. That's probably good, although it is possible you won't find anyone else you'll love as much. It's a tragic situation. I pray you both can find your way to happiness somehow, whether separately or together.

Looking For Someone Special said...


I just saw your post (AnonymousJanuary 12, 2015 at 12:22 AM) and (Depressed but HopefulApril 2, 2015 at 3:44 AM) it seems like we are near to each other's age, am a guy facing the somewhat same problem I been like dead body, a body who is only breathing but not living all my dream was to have a family with a loving women but my dream is all broken now.. now i.just think about that how lonely my life will get once my parents is gone.. no one gonna accept me for what I am.. as my last hope.am trying this online things.. Am young,educated and ear.. I just want someone special... if someone thinks love in life is more important than other things do reply I hope we can be friends and may be things takes good way

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Looking, I probably should have deleted this comment. This is definitely not a dating site. But I guess I was feeling lonely. If anybody wants to respond, go for it.

Looking For Someone Special said...

Thanx sue for posting up my words..
I know it's not a dating site even am not taking it as one.. it's just if a means can work as blessing for 2people to find someone for their life nothing could be better than it.. may be your blog will bring blessings in life of people.. you know I live in a culture where not even a single women gonna accept it and I even can't think about living my life all alone till the day where I even won't be able to get up from my bed and there will be no one to hear me at all... it's like end to the life bcz of something which have solution.. but people don't understand so I thought may be someone will understand who is on the same boat as like me..

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Where do you live, Mr. Looking for Someone Special?

Looking For Someone Special said...

Well am from Delhi (India) but yeah boundaries is not a problem for me at all..
I really don't know what am gonna do in my life am young and this problem and having a problem like this means only one thing u are supposed to spend your life all alone bcz no will accept u for what you are.. even though it's a modern era people have become somewhat educated but still there are certain things they can't understand it's because they never have experienced it so it's hard for them to understand how it feels like being in a situation like this where the only feeling u keep getting is just end things.

Dorothy Grees said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I have been through the mill on these emotions myself over the last few months.

I had a vasectomy when I was younger and had it successfully reversed. There were plenty of sperm, but what they don't tell you is that there is a high risk of sperm antibodies being present after the reversal which kill the sperm before they get to do their job.

My partner of 8 years, now 36 aged with her body clocking ticking split as a result of her desire to have children her 2 sisters and brother have at least 2 each.

The most important thing is that because of my love her I had to let her go. I find myself hoping that she is lucky enough to have children in the near future.

If you can find forgiveness and understanding, knowing that it's the right thing everything else becomes easy. My thoughts go out to anyone experiencing the pain that I went through. Love cannot always conquer everything.

Paul

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Paul, thank you for sharing this. So many couples are trying to decide whether to stay together without children or split so one of them can have children. It's good to read what one couple decided. Also, it's not common knowledge that the sperm might not just rush out and happily hook up with eggs after reversal surgery. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am 17 about to turn 18. It has not been proven, but there is cause to believe that I have Endometriosis. It causes me so much pain that it is unbearable. Recently I looked up the effects that endometriosis can have on your body, and when I saw infertility on the list I froze. I have always wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I am a virgin, and I am saving myself for marriage, but I am scared that the one thing I really want I may not be able to ever receive. I am scared that no man who loves children like I do will ever want to marry me if I cannot have children. It has not been proven yet, but it still scares the day lights out of me that I may never get to be a mother. When people see me holding babies or when I babysit everyone always says I will be a great mom one day, but what of my day never comes. That really breaks my heart, and I have cried so hard and prayed so much that I can just have a baby one day, even by a miracle.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Sept.6, you need to get checked out by a doctor who can give you solid answers about your chances of getting pregnant. It may be that you're getting all worked up over nothing. And maybe there's something that can be done about the endometriosis. See a doctor, please. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I am 21 yrs old my husband and I have been married for almost two years. I learned a couple of months into our relationship that he had a vasectomy after his second child in his previous marriage. I played it off as it wasn't a big deal bc I had already grew attached to him, although it hurt and I was very confused on what to do(move on with our relationship or end it) well I grew hopefully after finding out that it could be reversed, what I didn't know is how expensive the procedure was. I also didn't know that alot of his income went to child support ($1000 a month) which kinda made it nearly impossible to afford a reversal.
Anyways the more I grow in our marriage and the more I fall for my husband the more I want to make a child with him, when I see the way he interacts with his kids and their bond, makes me so jealous and I feel less of a person, less apart of him, less connected to him bc I can't share something so amazing with him. It's really breaking me into pieces because he is my world but I'm afraid I will never feel whole until I get to experience motherhood. And I'm afraid we will never be able to afford to have the reversal due to prior obligations his kids, the attorney fees bc his ex was keeping the kids from him, the stress of that alone makes me want to run away and hide. I just don't know what to do I made a commitment to this man but I don't want to go on with my life depressed and regrettful I'm still so young and I want to experience having children like he got to. Im so sorry for venting but I was so hopeful finding this page I have no to talk to about this whom will understand the pain completely

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous, Oct. 21, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are so young. My situation was similar in some ways, but I was much older, which made it easier. I already had a lot of life behind me. I wish I could tell you what to do. You have to decide whether you love him enough to stay with him even if you never have kids together and to help him try to find a way to get past this money problem to get the reversal. I wish I could give you a hug.

Anonymous said...

My fiancee revealed to me that his body produce no testosterone level, also his spemrs count are low normal and the abnormal shape is 95% so i know it's really hard to have children even with IVF. I was shocked and didnt know what should I specialy that there might be a risk with his erection not only the infertility problem so i left him... And my heart is really broken but i was afraid that he would feel inferior all the time, any word i say or any look i have for a child in our family he missunderstands..and our marriage would be a hell. Also i do love children
I really miss him so much, am i that cruel?? :(

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous Nov. 26, I'm sorry you're going through this. I suppose you have considered sperm donors and adoption. If leaving him is the only option, then that's what you have to do. You're not a bad person. I hope you find peace.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous,I am in the exact same situation. He is good in every sense but also cannot give me kids. We have been ttc for almost 4 years. I am now 29 and feel as if my fertile years are passing me by. I broke up with him for a number of times but we got back together because I care for him. But I am at a point where I feel I should leave him for good to avoid regrets.

Anonymous said...

Feels good to read all the comments and know I am not alone I am a 25 year old girl and I belong to the bohra community, I'm an Indian and in our culture not being able to conceive is a direct no from families for the girl. Have been through alot of rejections, and alot of pain for no fault of mine. If I am infertile due to a genetic problem, or whoever is infertile, it is not their fault. Marriage is between two souls, two people, and children is very imp in the long term but should not be made the basis to choose a life partner. It takes alot of courage for a boy/girl to tell this to the person who they are going to marry, its not easy believe me. Do not lose out on a good person just coz he/she cannot give you children. Children are gifts from God, for normal couples even, till God doesnt wish they cannot conceive. Miracles happen, have faith, and there is always adoption if nothing else works.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to do.
I'm 19+ and my boyfriend is 25+. We've known each other for 5 years and we've been having sex carelessly for 10months and nothing ever happens.
So, last night I told him that we are lucky and he said thats not it that he is infertile, I told him to stop joking around and said he wasn't, that wasn't the 1st time he said it,it was a year ago: he asked me if I would leave him if we get married and he can't get me pregnant, I thought the question was strange but I didn't really think about it and I told him that I wouldn't. 5months ago I thought I was pregnant and I told him but, he said its not possible and then I saw my period that month he said I would since he was infertile, I took it as a joke... But yesterday he really was serious. I love him so very much and I wanna have babies, I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Oh anonymous Jan. 27, I'm so sorry this happening. You are both quite young to make such permanent decisions. If you are truly thinking about marriage, he needs to get checked out and be specific about why he's infertile and whether can be done. If he really is, you should talk about adoption and other options. If you really want children, you need to be very clear about that. I hope you can work it out.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your reply, he hasn't been checked but, he has never gotten anyone pregnant and he said he remembers sometime when he was like 5-6years old he had a disease around his groin( and he had a surgery and stuff), he said his sperm is not normal( I don't know I've never seen anyone else's sperm, I don't even know what a normal sperm should look like). And he wants to adopt if nothing can be done about it, I don't know what to do,I'm fine with adoption but, I want to go through what biological mothers go through and I don't wanna be selfish. Well, you're right we are both quite young but, young or not we will get there someday and I'm scared, would it be worth it? And should I just let him know how I feel(confused) or what? Thank you for what you're doing.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much, I hope we can work it out too

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anon, I think you should always be honest with each other, although maybe you don't need to tell him you're thinking about leaving--especially if you're not. It's great that he's willing to adopt. So talk about it, get all the facts, and proceed together.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am also in a similar situation, looking for a friend to start with some sort of companionship, would like to know you how can we get in touch?

Shaunak Narayan said...

Hey, I am very much in a similar situation as you are. I can understand what you are going through and would love to know you. I am really happy that you are optimistic about your situation here and s am I. I hope I can get to meet you sometime. Contact me if possible.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Dear readers, I need to tell you two things. 1) This is not a dating site. If you want to try to find each other, that's fine, but I'm not turning this into match.com. Also, I'm not sure the last few comments I have received are not spam. So be careful. 2) This site moved year to a different web host, and the newest posts are at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. Please go there to keep up with the latest. Thanks.

miki2 said...


no i cant.coz to have my own child is important for me even i cant have my own

Anonymous said...

I am a 39 year old woman who married her first love. We have been married now for 18 years. I never wanted children in my twenties, I wanted to get a family home, have a job, then have the kids I always dreamed of. I got pregnant and had my baby, and I remember holding her for the first time and thanking God that the birth went well so I could go on and have more children. It has never happened again and it's wrecked my marriage. My husband has virtually no sperm and the docs couldn't believe I got pregnant naturally. I was desperate to conceive again and even got to ivf but then he lost his job and we couldn't afford the treatment so I had to stop. I now work 50+ hour weeks in two jobs to make ends meet.

If I had known this would be my story I would never of married him. Infertility is very hard to deal with, but unemployment and not being able to care properly for the child we were blessed with is a terrible thing. I was brought up as a catholic and seeing everyone with their kids and their husbands that can support them is tough. I don't feel like I am normal and getting my periods every month is heartbreaking.

I don't think I do love my husband. Reading these stories and how much people say they love their infertile partner is making me realise that having kids is more important to me than being with him. But I can't leave him - I feel I need time out to rest and get my head together - he refuses to leave and I have no where to go, plus his unemployment means financially I have no options - I go to bed most nights wishing I would never wake up.

You read all these stories about miracle babies and I just am so shocked that I cannot have more children, I don't think I will ever accept it. And I feel so guilty because I was blessed with one and I still feel so unfulfilled

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous May 8, I'm so sorry things have worked out this way. You do need to be thankful for the child you do have and love her with all your heart. If your husband is unemployed, things wouldn't be much different financially if you left him, would they? Is there someone you can talk to? It might be good to see a therapist to deal with those feelings of not wanting to wake up in the morning. I hope you can figure it out.

Anonymous said...

As a 39 year old woman that has been trying to have a baby for nearly 8 years, I regret staying with my husband who is infertile. I really thought that I loved him, but a future without children seems the worst thing that could of ever happened to me. I wish I had left my marriage sooner, and I realise I should have put myself first and been stronger. I am now about to turn 40 and am trying desperately to draw a line under my desperation to have a child but there's a massive hole left inside me and I will forever blame my husband for it.

miki2 said...

hi Anonymous
i feel very sorry for the things that is going on and i understand how hard it is. the thing is it is better to think all the blessing god gives you then the bad things we have.i am 32 and i know am not going to have baby while i am 15 years old. you are not alone.And GOD created marriage first then child.so marriage , your love is much much important then having a child as god planned, i think you have to keep your marriage.GBU

Anonymous said...

Responding to Paul,

Hey man, I am in a similar situation. Got a vasec in my 20's after working at an orphanage in Bolivia. Have never been able to afford the reversal and after so long the chances of it working are very low. I have had three or so failed relationships in a row on about year 5. The last one I am almost certain failed because no kinds showed up. I am 41 now and she is going on 37, clock just ticking away. My own desire for kids woke up around 36 and since it has caused me a great deal of stress, feelings of helplessness, frustration, rejection, loneliness, you name it. It is finally calming down, and I have started to feel more at ease about it. I am enjoying my time, getting a lot done and feeling alright. Exercise I think has been the key to the whole thing. If I can go for a long, hard run and a swim in the lake after, about once every three days I do alright. Also getting on a regular sleep schedule has helped which took a force of will seeing that the alcohol intake had gone up. So less drinking now, getting up on time, cooking, gardening, playing a lot of music, going o see bands. It really does take a long time to have all those inner-voice conversations, before things start to even out. It has been a hard road and a hard fight, but I'm starting to clear the worst of it I think. At the end of the day, I am in good health and have interesting work, so I do alright - but sometimes its just barely. Just writing to say there are others out there. We all need a witness sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I am a 25 yr old female. Recently started reconnecting with an old family friend who is 38 yrs old. He is divorced. He openly told me he couldn't have kids which was the main reason for his divorce. What's funny is that I had a crush on him since I was 14, and I never thought he would be interested in me. We lost contact for around 7 years and a lot has happened in both our lives.

I've been reading a lot about how infertility would affect ones life, and it's almost the same for someone with an STD. Which I have. Genital herpes. I was diagnosed around 5 years ago. I was young and didn't know how to handle it. I went through the toughest years of my life and I'm not quite over it yet.. After my experiences informing guys about it before any potential relationship or sexual interaction, I'm afraid of his reaction. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of going through everything I've been through before which is why I've been single for a while now.

I want to talk to him about what he feels about his infertility. I don't know if I want kids or not. The idea of childbirth terrifies me! He said that he has cut out the idea of ever having kids. He doesn't want them. ( After reading a lot about it, is he just saying that because he's upset and I don't ask to try? I would try if he wants to...) I can feel what he would give anything and everything to make me happy ... I'm just afraid it would change once he finds out about me... I know Im writing on an infertility blog not an STD one but I'd like to know what someone in his position would think of this whole situation.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Anonymous June 30, You've got to tell him. He needs to know for health reasons if nothing else. You can't blame yourself. STDs happen. I don't know from your comment how far this relationship has gone, whether you're having sex, talking marriage or just enjoy some good conversations, but if it is going anywhere, you both need to talk about your issues. If it is a dealbreaker, better to find out now. I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

I would have definitely married the infertile as sex is only about 10-15 years. if a person gets married at 25, sex or attraction, glamour will only be there for sometime maybe 10 years. After that you would need to look at the long term. What is required the most for the infertile person is - the support. People in the olden generations like my mother's elder brother had no children and they are close to 75 now and still living together. They were supportive of each other and always make a point to go out together, not leaving the other behind. So the most important thing for a marriage to survive despite childless is the support, love, caring and being affectionate etc. If this understanding exist among a couple, then life would become much simpler.

Anonymous said...

I am a 33 old male and my wife, 4 years younger. We are married for 7 years and after initially trying to have a baby and failed, I found out that I have non-obstructive Azoospermia and cannot become a biological father. I took all sorts of medicine for 4 years but there was no improvement and finally now she has applied for a divorce and she cannot digest the fact that why was this not communicated before to them. As far as I know, these cannot be known before as I am from India and it is very wrong to have a physical relationship before marriage. So now I feel more depressed and dejected and have a lot of suicidal thoughts and cannot live without my wife. But she could never understand my feelings and wants to start her own family. So like all the comments posted, there comes an unbearable question - which is more difficult in life - life without husband or life without children. Ultimately, women cannot stay without a family of their own and my wife chose to leave me. I am very stressed out and don't feel I would be accepted by anyone else since even my wife rejected me. There is no solution to this and just have to live on like this forever

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

I'm so sorry, Anonymous July 5. I hope you can find someone for whom this is not an issue.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to find someone to have a future together with same concept of adopting kids..

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I'm 31 DH 37.
DH suffered from a testicular torsion at the age of 14, had to have one testicle removed. His dr at the time told him he should not suffer from any complications and should lead a fertile life.
Fast forward 1 year ago we find out he has NOA (zero sperm) not 100% sure if the 2 were related or if it was a coincidence.
We had been married 2 years when we found this out. We were heartbroken. And I fell into a terrible depression.
I feel like a terrible person because as much as I love him I also hold a lot of resentment towards him as well. I look at him as less of a man. I know this is wrong of me, but yet I can't seem to break the resentful feelings I have towards him.
We have and still continue therapy to help us cope.
I hope one day we can come to terms with the thought of using donor sperm or adoption.