Friday, December 14, 2012

Childless dreams about babies--and other things


I wake up a little before 6 a.m. and start stewing about what to write in this blog today. It’s too early, so I fall back asleep, and I have this crazy dream.

This woman, a new author, is excited to meet me and has invited me to her house. I think it’s going to be a quick exchange of books, but discover she has gone to great trouble preparing for my visit. I’m looking through her gorgeous book, which, unlike mine, has full-color illustrations, and asking her about how she wrote it and produced it. She’s flitting around preparing lunch, something fancy like crab bisque and shrimp-stuffed croissants, served on expensive china with cloth napkins in a perfectly decorated room filled with sunlight.

Suddenly I realize I never finished getting dressed. I’m wearing a dirty purple bathrobe on top of a white shirt, and I have no pants on, not even any underwear. I don’t know if I even combed my hair. Oh my gosh. I want to take the robe off but then my bare legs will be out there, along with my bare tush. I am so embarrassed, but my hostess, who has written about childlessness but has a teenage daughter standing nearby, seems oblivious to my naked bottom and filthy robe. Maybe she thinks this is what successful authors wear.

I wake up in my nightgown in bed, thinking, no, I can’t write that in my blog. But here it is. I’m hoping it made you laugh.

Dreams are crazy. Over the years, I have had many dreams in which I was pregnant. They were so real that when I woke up and found that my belly was flat, I was devastated.  I also dreamed about having an infant I was nursing or a toddler I was teaching how to sing. Sometimes in my dreams, somebody would take the child away. Always, when I woke up, weeping, I had no child, just a dog.

How about you? Do you dream about babies or children or being pregnant? Do you dream about showing up someplace with no pants on? I’d love to hear about your dreams. Please share in the comments.

4 comments:

thebookishstudio said...

Thanks for sharing your crazy dream! It was a good one! I am childless (partly by choice + it just happened + now my husband has decided he doesn't want one) and some days I'm totally fine with it and some days I'm not. My dreams on this run the gamut as well - cuddling a little baby, crazed because I lost a baby, confused because I have a baby, shocked at discovering I am pregnant, etc). Sometimes I wake up relieved and sometimes I wake up terribly depressed. Why can't I make up my mind either way? Anyways, thanks for you blog and helping me feel less alone.

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

Thank you, Bookish. Dreams are fascinating, aren't they?

KayaAmari said...

Hi Sue, many years ago when I was single (before childlessness was an issue) I dreamt about finding a baby girl, she was wearing a pink woollen hat and was growing out of a plant like a flower. She had eyes just like me, it was a lovely dream that I haven't thought about for years. I never thought all those years ago that I would end up in my late 30s and still not be a mother, or have any hope of becoming one. More recently I dreamt I had a completely different husband, lived in the tropics, and had an adorable little girl. That dream has haunted me. I was so relieved when I found your website. Finally women like me! I have ordered your book and eagerly await its arrival. I'm grieving for the family I don't have. My husband is content to remain as we are. But this has been an issue for 5 years, and has caused me depressive moods for 3 years. I keep reading that you need to face your grief and deal with it. How? what does that mean? i went to a counsellor for a few weeks, to help me accept things in my life that I could not change, but after he kept telling me that it was my god given right to have children, I thought it was pointless to continue seeing him. I know it is my God given right!! I know!! But I am not prepared to be a parent at any cost, ie - the cost of my marriage. How can I force that on my husband, when he DOESNT want a family as much as I DO want one. Should he be the one seeing a counsellor? I'm getting by day by day (though I am surrounding by increasing fertile people) with the help of St Johns wort and ignatia amara. I talk to a couple of friends about how I feel, although there is one friend I can't get too deep with on the topic now as she is 14 weeks pregnant and the last thing I want to do is make her feel bad because luckily for her, she and her mate are in agreement about having a family.... I can't wait for your book!!

Sue Fagalde Lick said...

KaraAmari,
Thank you for ordering my book. I hope it helps you. I have been in counseling for a long time. It took a while to find the right one. A good therapist would not talk to you like that. Maybe you could find another one. Or not. It's okay to talk about this to people, even your pregnant friend. If she's really your friend, she'll know it's hard for you without you saying anything. It sounds like you need to find a way to become comfortable with your decision to honor your husband's wishes and stay with him. That's not always easy, but it's okay. I wish you peace and happiness.