I was sitting at dinner with three other women all talking about writing. Soon they were comparing numbers of children. One had four, one had three, one had two. I have dogs. In the context of the conversation, I felt lucky to have more time to write and freedom to travel. With my husband in a nursing home, I don't need to rush home anymore. But once again I felt left out of a very important part of life. I also felt it more important than ever to write about what it's like to be childless, especially in a situation where if I had chosen a different man, I could have been a mom. I have to live with that fact forever, and I have to live with those moments where I'm the only one without children.
On Halloween, I played piano for the 5:30 p.m. Mass. Attendance was light. It never occurred to me until someone mentioned it afterward that folks would be busy escorting their trick-or-treaters around the neighborhood. I have never had to costume a child and worry about whether he would be spiderman or a pirate or some critter I don't even know about because I'm not up on kid culture. After Mass, I went to a grownup party with grownup drinks and no kids, just dogs. Sometimes it feels as if children exist in an alternate universe.
Know what I mean?
4 comments:
Can't wait to read more about your life without kids. My husband and I have been diagnosed as infertile and I don't know how to picture life now...
The worst place for feeling left out has to be on facebook. I'm 31 and at my age its just nothing but people posting baby pictures. I had to block or delete a couple of people because it was just to painful to look at everyday. I should just delete my profile altogether but there are a couple of people who use it as a way to reach me by email or with their iphones so I had to keep it. I just try no to check it because I know it brings me down.
I was a little worried about Halloween and feeling sad about not having kids to take out trick or treating, etc. but it worked out okay. I went out for dinner and drinks with my husband and another couple. They are a few years younger and not yet married so they have been good companions for us since they are still free to go out and have fun.
Now on to figuring out the best way to deal with Christmas....
The worst place for feeling left out has to be facebook. At my age, 31, its nothing but people posting pictures of their new babies. I had to delete or block some people because it was just too painful. I should just get rid of it altogether but there are a few people that I actually want to be in touch with who use it often as email so I was convinced to keep it.
I thought Halloween would be rough this year and Id be sad about sitting home and giving out candy with no little kid to take out trick or treating but it actually worked out okay for me too. I went out for dinner and drinks with my husband and another couple. They are a few years younger than us and not married so they are good companions for us right now since they are still free to go out and have fun.
Now on to figuring out how to deal with Christmas...
Erica,
You are so right about Facebook. So many kid pictures. But I've seen it in various forums, too. In fact, one of the main reasons I quit the Alzheimer's support forum was that the other women kept posting pictures of their children and grandchildren. You'll see that my picture has my dog. A substitute for kids? Maybe.
Take care.
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