Some scientists think so. Craig Kinsley and Kelly Lambert's studies oncampus.richmond.edu/news/nov03/motherhood.html with rats showed that the flush of hormones that comes with pregnancy, childbirth and lactation cause permanent changes in the learning and memory capacities of mother rates compared to "virgin rats." They were able to find food in a maze more easily, catch live food more quickly, and they seemed to have enhanced sensory powers. They're also braver. In other words, as Kinsley put it, the experiments showed "mom rats kicking virgin rats' butts."
These and other studies are detailed in the book The Mommy Brain by Katherine Ellison (Perseus Books, 2005). Overall, it shows that while mothers make think their brains turn to Jello when they spend all day with their babies, they're actually learning skills that will help in all aspects of life.
The experts theorize that these gains in brain power develop to help mothers protect their young and keep the species going. They may not seem to be learning anything, but the need to be constantly responsible for another being and learn on the job how to care for them not only makes them smarter but makes them better able to multi-task, prioritize and get along with other people.
Do you buy that? The general stereotype of a stay-at-home mom is that she's not as sharp as childless career women. A mother I talked with the other day just laughed when I mentioned this study and said, "Hah, where did you get that? My brain is mush."
About now, you may be wondering a) if this is all B.S. and b) if it's true, how can you catch up. Well, there's no way to get all those pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones without having a baby, but changes have also been found in rats—and people—who spent a lot of time with infants or caregiving in general. The intimate contact leads to some of the same changes in both mothers and fathers.
So, maybe mothering my puppies makes me smarter. It certainly makes me quicker on my feet. Maybe caregiving elderly relatives is teaching me lessons I might have learned as a mother. Or maybe those years I spent caring for a live-in stepson did the job.
What do you think?
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com.
All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it
would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Puppies again
Okay, those last couple posts were too sad. So let's talk dogs again. The puppies are three months old and all legs. I swear you can see them grow as you watch. They can reach things our old dog never even though of reaching for. They're smart. They can open doors and get into covered wastebaskets. Swear to God. This morning, they tore their unused pee pad to smithereens and scattered white fluff all over the laundry room and back yard. It looked like it had snowed. What do you do? By the time you discover it, dogs don't remember what you're mad about. So you cuss a little and clean it up. The wisdom offered in the dog books is that if they tore something up, you should hit yourself on the head with a newspaper for leaving it in their path. I guess this is their way of saying they don't need pee pads during the day anymore.
But oh the joy of watching them run so fast they almost fly, the giggles watching Annie poke her head out of the tarp over the wood rack, the pure pleasure of sitting with one dog on each side sharing love, and the fun of watching them discover the world now that they've gotten over their fear of going for a walk. Everything is new and exciting to them. And if they greet me by jumping all me with muddy feet and nipping at my clothes, that's because that's how they greet each other, and I'm one of the pack.
I'm looking forward to starting doggy school next month. I want to get beyond come, sit and stay. I want them to really learn "Off!" When people ask how they are, the answer these days is always, "Big!"
It's like raising children on an accelerated schedule. They'll hit puberty at five months and be fully grown in a year. And eventually, please God, they'll calm down and we can trust that if we bring them in the house they won't bite through the TV cables or potty on the floor. Meanwhile, I'd better go see what they're up to now.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Watching a family grow
Last weekend I attended a Celebration of Life for my aunt and uncle, who both died recently. In addition to feeling sad about losing these pillars of my family who have always been there, I was struck by the sheer number of people their union has created. My cousin put together photo collages of the five children, seven grandchildren and three great-grandchildren. Many of them were there in person, astoundingly grown up. The photos included group shots of everyone together. It was quite a crowd.
I think the moment that sticks in my mind is when my cousin Denee, who is a year and half younger than I am, grabbed up her grandson, swung him around, bobbing for kisses on his pudgy cheeks, and shouted, "Grandma doesn't love you much, does she?" She laughed. Denee's a grandmother twice over. Her daughter's a beautiful 30-something school counselor. My cousin has extended the family tree and taken her place as a future matriarch. Her four brothers have done their part, too. There were far more photos than we could fit on the walls.
I came early with my dad to help set up. More and more, when it comes to family events, it's just the two of us, the widower and the childless cousin whose husband has Alzheimer's. Yes, I have stepchildren. I invited them to join us, but they didn't come or call. When it comes to hardcore family, they're not part of it. Eventually my brother and his kids came and I clung to them like they were water and I was dying of thirst. After they went home, I spent a few more hours with Dad, then flew back to Portland on the late plane, alone in a crowd of strangers.
Why am I bumming you out with this? Take it as a warning. Oh ye who are considering never having children, think about the long-term consequences and how you, too, could be the lone cousin when everyone else has created a tribe of their own. Perhaps you'll be fine with it, but I predict you'll wish you could cover the walls with pictures of your own tribe.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
I think the moment that sticks in my mind is when my cousin Denee, who is a year and half younger than I am, grabbed up her grandson, swung him around, bobbing for kisses on his pudgy cheeks, and shouted, "Grandma doesn't love you much, does she?" She laughed. Denee's a grandmother twice over. Her daughter's a beautiful 30-something school counselor. My cousin has extended the family tree and taken her place as a future matriarch. Her four brothers have done their part, too. There were far more photos than we could fit on the walls.
I came early with my dad to help set up. More and more, when it comes to family events, it's just the two of us, the widower and the childless cousin whose husband has Alzheimer's. Yes, I have stepchildren. I invited them to join us, but they didn't come or call. When it comes to hardcore family, they're not part of it. Eventually my brother and his kids came and I clung to them like they were water and I was dying of thirst. After they went home, I spent a few more hours with Dad, then flew back to Portland on the late plane, alone in a crowd of strangers.
Why am I bumming you out with this? Take it as a warning. Oh ye who are considering never having children, think about the long-term consequences and how you, too, could be the lone cousin when everyone else has created a tribe of their own. Perhaps you'll be fine with it, but I predict you'll wish you could cover the walls with pictures of your own tribe.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Who will organize my memorial service?
This weekend, I'm flying to San Jose to attend a "Celebration of Life" for my aunt and uncle, who both died recently. Their five children are organizing it. One is doing food, another is putting together a slide show, another is doing decorations, others will make sure everyone is invited. Ironically, it's being held in the multi-purpose room at my old elementary school, which is a senior center now.
It's a sad occasion that my cousins are trying to make less sad by remembering the good times. Meanwhile, they'll be cleaning out their parents' house and arranging to sell it. They'll also be handling the endless paperwork that follows someone's death.
I have seen my parents do the same for their parents, and my husband and I have done similar tasks for his parents and my mother. It seems a natural duty for the children of the deceased.
So the question on the table is, who does this stuff when you don't have any children, especially if you don't have a husband who can take charge and you're short on siblings? Can you really count on your friends? Even if they wanted to, they probably won't have the legal rights to pay for a funeral with your life insurance money, to dispose of your things, or to close out your bank accounts.
I have one brother whom I have designated to do everything, but what if he isn't able to handle it when the time comes? It seems the only answer is to make preparations for yourself. Even though we all think we're going to live forever, hire a lawyer and do the paperwork. Write down what you want and make sure the people who are close to you know what to do. Childless by choice or by circumstance, we may well find ourselves on our own at the end. If you want a Celebration of Life,either pay somebody to make sure your wishes are carried out or start getting closer to those cousins or nephews you don't know very well. Otherwise, there'll be nothing but a two-line death notice at the bottom of the obituary page.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
It's a sad occasion that my cousins are trying to make less sad by remembering the good times. Meanwhile, they'll be cleaning out their parents' house and arranging to sell it. They'll also be handling the endless paperwork that follows someone's death.
I have seen my parents do the same for their parents, and my husband and I have done similar tasks for his parents and my mother. It seems a natural duty for the children of the deceased.
So the question on the table is, who does this stuff when you don't have any children, especially if you don't have a husband who can take charge and you're short on siblings? Can you really count on your friends? Even if they wanted to, they probably won't have the legal rights to pay for a funeral with your life insurance money, to dispose of your things, or to close out your bank accounts.
I have one brother whom I have designated to do everything, but what if he isn't able to handle it when the time comes? It seems the only answer is to make preparations for yourself. Even though we all think we're going to live forever, hire a lawyer and do the paperwork. Write down what you want and make sure the people who are close to you know what to do. Childless by choice or by circumstance, we may well find ourselves on our own at the end. If you want a Celebration of Life,either pay somebody to make sure your wishes are carried out or start getting closer to those cousins or nephews you don't know very well. Otherwise, there'll be nothing but a two-line death notice at the bottom of the obituary page.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mother's Day again
How many of us want to hide under the covers until this Hallmark holiday is over? I have no children of my own and my mother and mother-in-law are dead, yet people automatically wish me a happy Mother's Day. I got tired of correcting them long ago.
This morning at church, a friend started to wish a parishioner Happy Mothers Day, then stopped herself. "I'm sorry. You don't have kids," she said. I was aghast. Once you've started, you don't take it back that way, like sorry, you don't qualify.
Anyway, with the music director out sick, I led the choirs and played the piano through three Masses. Three times I stood up as Father Brian went through his Mother's Day spiel. Actually, it wasn't bad. He included not only birth mothers but foster mothers, caregivers, and any woman who nurtures somebody. Moms were supposed to bow their heads for a blessing. The first Mass I refused to lower my head, but this morning, after particularly difficult night caring for the pups and the husband and being reminded that I have had three stepchildren for 23 years, I bowed. I accepted the blessings and prayers. I need them.
It's about 2:00 our time, and I haven't heard a word from the stepchildren, not even an e-card. But the puppies love me.
I hate this holiday. After Mass, I went to McDonald's, thinking I might get a peaceful lunch there, missing all the Mom's Day brunch crowd. Wrong. There were dozens of little kids with their mothers and balloons and gifts and all that nonsense. Me, I got hit on by a crazy man from our church who decided to sit with me when all I wanted to do was read my magazine and enjoy my sandwich.
Ten more hours to midnight PDT. Then we'll be safe for another year.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
This morning at church, a friend started to wish a parishioner Happy Mothers Day, then stopped herself. "I'm sorry. You don't have kids," she said. I was aghast. Once you've started, you don't take it back that way, like sorry, you don't qualify.
Anyway, with the music director out sick, I led the choirs and played the piano through three Masses. Three times I stood up as Father Brian went through his Mother's Day spiel. Actually, it wasn't bad. He included not only birth mothers but foster mothers, caregivers, and any woman who nurtures somebody. Moms were supposed to bow their heads for a blessing. The first Mass I refused to lower my head, but this morning, after particularly difficult night caring for the pups and the husband and being reminded that I have had three stepchildren for 23 years, I bowed. I accepted the blessings and prayers. I need them.
It's about 2:00 our time, and I haven't heard a word from the stepchildren, not even an e-card. But the puppies love me.
I hate this holiday. After Mass, I went to McDonald's, thinking I might get a peaceful lunch there, missing all the Mom's Day brunch crowd. Wrong. There were dozens of little kids with their mothers and balloons and gifts and all that nonsense. Me, I got hit on by a crazy man from our church who decided to sit with me when all I wanted to do was read my magazine and enjoy my sandwich.
Ten more hours to midnight PDT. Then we'll be safe for another year.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Puppy update
For those who are sick of dog stories, you can skip this, but Chico and Annie have just about doubled in size in the five weeks since we brought them home. As of yesterday, Chico was at 21.5 pounds and Annie was up to 18. At the vet on Monday, we mentioned that the breeders had said they'd top out at about 35 pounds. The vet just laughed. No, they're going to be bigger, much bigger.
Fred and I kept looking at each other and the dogs on the way home. Oh my God! Forget buying that second medium-sized crate. We're going to need a large. Good thing we like big dogs. But that's a lot of puppy chow!
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
When you're not in the Mom Club . . .
You don't necessarily make friends with the women who have children. That became very clear yesterday when I sang at a funeral for a 43-year-old mother who was very popular at our church. She died of cancer at such a young age, leaving a daughter about 10 years old and a husband who appeared sedated to the point of barely being able to sit up.
Nemia taught in the children's religious education program, so all the parents and most of the kids knew her. They sat there wiping away tears. Even Father Brian choked up during his long homily.
But I remained dry-eyed. I didn't know the woman, still don't even know what she looked like. I searched the old church directories when I got home, but she wasn't in there, and there was no photo with her obituary.
When you're not a mother, you have no reason to interact with the mothers, and most of the mothers are too busy to get involved in anything that doesn't include their children. It's a divided world. Mothers' lives revolve around school, sports, music lessons, pediatrician visits, religious ed, and other stuff I don't even know about. Not having children, I find myself hanging out with older people, other childless women, and the few parents who cross the divide to sing in the church choir.
It was a very odd feeling singing for a woman I didn't know in front of a church full of grieving people who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't tell you their names. It was the Mom (and Dad) Club, of which I will never be a member.
God bless Nemia; I wish I'd known her.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Nemia taught in the children's religious education program, so all the parents and most of the kids knew her. They sat there wiping away tears. Even Father Brian choked up during his long homily.
But I remained dry-eyed. I didn't know the woman, still don't even know what she looked like. I searched the old church directories when I got home, but she wasn't in there, and there was no photo with her obituary.
When you're not a mother, you have no reason to interact with the mothers, and most of the mothers are too busy to get involved in anything that doesn't include their children. It's a divided world. Mothers' lives revolve around school, sports, music lessons, pediatrician visits, religious ed, and other stuff I don't even know about. Not having children, I find myself hanging out with older people, other childless women, and the few parents who cross the divide to sing in the church choir.
It was a very odd feeling singing for a woman I didn't know in front of a church full of grieving people who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't tell you their names. It was the Mom (and Dad) Club, of which I will never be a member.
God bless Nemia; I wish I'd known her.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
No one in line behind me
My Uncle Don, Dad's brother, died recently. I'll be heading to San Jose for a Celebration of Life for him and Aunt Gen later this month. Today I found myself inviting my stepson to join me. Not like it's going to be fun, but I suddenly really wanted a son or daughter keeping me company. You see, in the usual scheme of things, life goes in a circle. The old ones die, but young ones take their places. In middle age, we watch our grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles die and we are sad, but there's a whole new generation behind us to give us hope for the future.
That's not the case for me. My family is shrinking. There's no one coming up behind me. I looked through our wedding album the other day and realized that many of the people who were there have died. So many. I look for the next generation, and no one is there because I never had children.
I didn't mean to make this so sad, but it's a sad time lately. Too many people in my life are dying or terminally ill. With no children to give me hope for the future, I turn to stepchildren and puppies. It's not the same, but it's something.
My uncle and aunt had five children and seven grandchildren. They created a small dynasty which will continue to grow. Fred and I have not done that. He had three children, but none of them are mine, and only one has ever had any children. The others don't plan to marry or procreate. It's their business, but they have no idea how lonely it will feel as they attend all those funerals and take up fewer and fewer seats.
Taking a deep breath, we have to accept that some of us are the trunk of the family tree and some of us are the ends of the branches. Most of us have a choice which we want to be. Choose carefully. You get more sun at the tip of the branch, but it's lonely out there.
BTW, my stepson said no.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
That's not the case for me. My family is shrinking. There's no one coming up behind me. I looked through our wedding album the other day and realized that many of the people who were there have died. So many. I look for the next generation, and no one is there because I never had children.
I didn't mean to make this so sad, but it's a sad time lately. Too many people in my life are dying or terminally ill. With no children to give me hope for the future, I turn to stepchildren and puppies. It's not the same, but it's something.
My uncle and aunt had five children and seven grandchildren. They created a small dynasty which will continue to grow. Fred and I have not done that. He had three children, but none of them are mine, and only one has ever had any children. The others don't plan to marry or procreate. It's their business, but they have no idea how lonely it will feel as they attend all those funerals and take up fewer and fewer seats.
Taking a deep breath, we have to accept that some of us are the trunk of the family tree and some of us are the ends of the branches. Most of us have a choice which we want to be. Choose carefully. You get more sun at the tip of the branch, but it's lonely out there.
BTW, my stepson said no.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This blog has moved. Please switch over to the new site at http://www.childlessbymarriageblog.com. All of the old posts have already been transferred over there, and it would make life easier if you would comment at that site. Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)