Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Should you stay with the guy who doesn't want kids?

In looking for what to write about today, I keep going back to the comment I received over the weekend on a post titled, "He said he didn't want any more kids." 

Anonymous said...  
My boyfriend and I have been dating for going on five years and he has said repeatedly that he does not want anymore kids. He has two kids from previous relationships and basically refuses to even talk about what would happen if we have an accidental pregnancy. I do understand where he is coming from, he lost his daughter in a horrendous and long custody battle after his divorce, and although we see his son on a regular basis, he simply doesn't want anymore children. I very much want to be a mom at some point, and though I'm only 25 (he is 33) I know I want a child of my own too. I love his kids but it's heartbreaking and makes me incredibly envious and even a smidge resentful. I have nightmares about being pregnant and him leaving me because of it. I'm terrified of the possibility of becoming pregnant because I love him more than anything and don't want to lose him, but what if I do get pregnant even while on birth control? I want to know he won't leave me in that circumstance, but he won't give me any reassurance on the issue. Any advice would be appreciated!  

Oh boy. As I noted in my reply, my gut instinct is to tell her to get another boyfriend. If he would leave her if she got pregnant even by accident, come on, that's not right. At least that's my opinion.

I know what it's like to be in a relationship that is not good in some ways but still feel like I would absolutely die if he left me. More than once. And you know what? Eventually these men dumped me. Maybe I was too clingy. Maybe I scared them with my dreams of marriage and children and a nice house in the suburbs. Maybe they were just jerks. I'm no expert on relationships, but it does seem to me that if you can't discuss an issue as important as whether or not to have children, the relationship won't last. Also, if this guy is so anti-children, why doesn't he get a vasectomy so there won't be any accidents?

I would love to hear other opinions on this situation. If you read the other comments on that post, you'll see that this particular anonymous writer is not the only one struggling with this. It all comes back to the same question: Do you love this person so much that you're willing to give up having children for him or her?

Please comment.


Anonymous said...

In this situation I'd say to start looking for a new man who can fulfill your dream of being a wife and mother. Don't sell your life short to a man who doesn't care enough about your wants and desires to help fulfill them and be happy and proud to do so. Would you be "happy and proud" to give up the dream of being a mom just so he can be happy? Does he (and his kids) give you enough joy in life that you desire nothing else than to be with him/them? It's a hard choice I know, but at age 25 you've got time to find a new relationship that can be better matched to you.

Another angle is to ask why he doesn't want kids, for most men it's about money/child support. So if it's just about the money, work on 'your' finances, find a better job, etc. and then afford the baby with or without him.

Anonymous said...

I am in my mid forties and been married for 14 years. I'm not happy with having no children but it is now not possible for me to have them with my husband or anybody else. I love my husband and I married him before we knew there was a problem. So I'm sticking with it. If I was 25 though and it wasn't a bio problem I think I would see it more as "we are not suitable life partners". I know it is not easy as I could leave my hubbie to adopt (which he doesn't want to do). I have considered this long and hard and was tempted but couldn't bring myself to do it. At 25 though - there is a lot of life to be unhappy.

Anonymous said...

Leave him and find someone who shares your desire for children. You are too young to give up on your desire for children just to be with a man that is too selfish to give you a child. Trust me, you will REGRET spending all of your childbearing years with a man who won't give you a child.

I have been with my husband for 14 years. I am 38, and my resentment about not having another child grows stronger by the day.

You are young enough to find someone who shares your desire for children. Don't give this selfish man all of your childbearing years. You will deeply regret it in the end.

Anonymous said...

I would tell her to find another boyfriend. If he doesn't want kids then let him never have sex with her again. Because any kids would NOT be an "accident".